Tag: Who is JR?

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100 years

That’s how long I want to live. Longer, actually. Some people think getting that old would be terrible – your body may be failing you, you’ll probably have experienced much loss by then, life may be completely different than you used to know…

But if I’m lucky enough to live that long that will hopefully mean I’ll get to spend 70+ years with my children. God forbid one of them goes before me. I don’t think I could handle that.

One of my friends said the other day that she has always wanted to live to be 100, and it stuck with me. I do too.

Watching Della grow and learn each day is amazing. I was coloring with her in the basement tonight, 2 things which I don’t really enjoy, let alone put together. But I actually had a great time. Crouching down there on the floor with her coloring in her Strawberry Shortcake book and seeing how much fun she was having made me forget that it was not high on my list of things to do.

And Lana. Well I could just stare at my babies all day long if allowed. This one especially. Those giant blue eyes are enchanting.

My sister posted this on her Facebook page today, and I love every single word. It is so true. One hundred million percent true.

*****

“We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of “starting a family.” “We’re taking a survey,” she says half-joking. “Do you think I should have a baby?”

“It will change your life,” I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

“I know,” she says, “no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations.”

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, “What if that had been MY child?” That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.

That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of “Mom!” will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby’s sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy’s desire to go to the men’s room rather than the women’s at McDonald’s will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter’s relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.

I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter’s quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. “You’ll never regret it,” I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter’s hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Moms. May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.”

~Author unknown

D Li love these little goonies more than i ever imagined i could.

 

 

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An update. And pictures!

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but just haven’t found the time to actually sit down and do it. Imagine that with a toddler and infant in the house. Odd.

But fortunately things are feeling much better than they did a few months ago, when I wrote this post. The fog of not feeling like myself has finally lifted, and thankfully I think I’ve regained my parenting mojo. I no longer feel like having 2 kids is going to suffocate me; rather I feel like each day gets better than the last with these 2 little ones.

What has happened to changed my outlook? Well, for one, I got a job. It’s not a new career by any means, more just something to get me and the girls out of the house and interacting in society again. I work part-time at the front desk of the Wisconsin Athletic Club, a gym to which I belonged for years and at which I continued to work out with my trainer until she left just a few weeks ago.

I work anywhere from 2-4 days per week, 3-4 hours at a time. The girls and I get free memberships out of the deal too, but the best part, by far, is that they get to come with me while I work and stay in the kids care room for free. Free daycare?! That cannot be passed up. Now it isn’t an actual licensed daycare center, more just glorified babysitting, but still. Della gets to play with all the kids, they do story time and gym time, she takes her favorite “new lunchbox” every day; and Lana gets fed her bottles, diapers changed, tummy time, etc., so it’s absolutely perfect.

It gives me a nice little break from the parenting responsibilities a couple times a week and the girls get taken care of well, so it’s working out very smoothly right now. And I finally don’t feel like I’m about to lose my head trying to rush us out the door each time we go, so that helps too. Those first couple weeks I seriously felt like a complete whirling dervish every time I had to get the 3 of us ready to go in the mornings. Practice makes perfect, I guess. Or at least better.

Having a paycheck again is nice too, but the pay is definitely not why I’m there. A little is better than zero though, eh?

What else? I guess Lana getting out of the newborn stage has helped as well. I don’t feel completely tethered to a screaming baby anymore, which I think would make anyone happy. She has certainly mellowed in the past couple months, and I don’t have a tiny screaming head in my face so much anymore. She’ll give a good wail here and there still, but nothing like the early days when I almost went deaf a few times.

She’s getting easier, I think Della enjoys being around kids more often again, and the combination of those just makes my days all around better. I don’t feel trapped, I don’t feel anxious, I don’t feel like a terrible mom, I don’t feel like a terrible wife, I don’t feel like not me. I feel good again, and that feels great.

I do still need to work on the exercise part, as I haven’t been able to get in a good routine with timing workouts with my shifts at the gym, but hopefully I’ll get something going soon. I usually work from 9-noon or 9-1, which doesn’t leave enough time for me to get in as long a workout as I want before having to get Della home for her nap, and the kids room doesn’t open until 8, which doesn’t give me enough time before work either. So we’ll see what I can finagle there.

Also, it’s Spring. Even though the temperature belies the season right now, I am happy that the sun is at least shining. I started taking vitamin D in liquid drop form this winter to actually help slow my postpartum hair shedding, but I think it helped me feel better overall instead. It didn’t necessarily give me more energy, but I didn’t feel so run-down and tired all the time. I don’t think it did anything to help my hair stop falling out so much, though. That will just take time to get rid of all the built up pregnancy locks.

So there you have it. And for being such good listeners and readers, here are some recent pictures of the most adorable children ever created. What? I’m biased.

L1 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6

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Out with the old, in with the new

First off, thank you all SO MUCH for your amazingly kind words on my Lost post. Knowing that I’m not alone or entirely crazy is a tremendous help.

Secondly, I know New Year’s was a few days ago, but that’s ok. I still want to wish you all a happy, safe, prosperous, and peaceful 2013. May each year get better than the last…

NYE

 

 

 

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Lost

“I just don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore…”

I’ve often heard people say things along those lines and could never really understand what they meant. What do you mean you don’t feel like you? That doesn’t make any sense. Until now.

I just don’t feel like “me” anymore.

I don’t feel like Jocelyn; I just feel like a random “her”.

I spend my days at home being a mom right now, but that’s all I do. And I don’t think I’m a particularly good one much of the time either, so that’s a kick in the ass. I’m sure Ryan would rate me pretty low on the scale of wife-dom too, since most of the time he’s home after work I’m wrangling one or both of the kids and spending the entire evening dealing with bedtimes and cleaning up messes. Do I feel like talking about anything once that’s done? No. Lovely.

When I look in the mirror I see tired, boring, plain, not necessarily unhappy, but just un-. Where did I go? I used to see really happy, pretty, fun, if I do say so myself.

Lost.

How do I get un-lost?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for all that I have – a great husband, 2 incredible daughters, a home, food on the table, a wonderful family, our health. Which actually makes me feel worse – like how dare I get down on myself when I have so much that’s good? What do I have to whine about?

I don’t know when I got lost either. Fairly recently, I guess. Maybe it’s not having a job to make me feel like I contribute? Maybe I’m no good at having a toddler and an infant at the same time? Maybe it’s my growing dislike of winter? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t gotten any real, heart-pumping exercise in months (which definitely needs to change now that i’ve gotten the all-clear after having lana)? Maybe 33 is the age where I just start to suck in general? Who knows.

I don’t feel depressed in the clinical sense, so please don’t send me a list of meds or therapists. I don’t not want to get out of bed; I don’t not get stuff done that needs to be done; I don’t not.

I just don’t feel quite like me right now. I feel an overall sense of blah, if you will. Unfortunately, it’s not becoming on me.

So maybe it’s a good thing 2012 is on its way out tonight. Besides the birth of our second daughter, the beautiful Baby Lana, this year can suck it. I lost my job, and now I seem to have lost me.

I hope I find her again in 2013.

 

 

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Exhale

Christmas tree

Here I sit at 9:30 on a Thursday night. Folding the last of the day’s laundry by the light of the Christmas tree, Lana drifting off to sleep on the couch beside me. Her snuffles and grunts on the pacifier are slowly becoming quieter the closer she gets to the night’s slumber. Not that folding laundry is a particularly sentimental activity, it just happened to be what I was doing when the mood to type struck. I don’t mind it either. I’d much rather be folding laundry than ironing. Bleh. And have you ever folded size 2T/3T underwear? The fact that they even make butts that tiny is hysterical enough to make the activity almost enjoyable.

Della has just gone to bed and fortunately didn’t pull another round of crying as soon as I shut the door. That’s been her trick lately. Well, that and throwing a crying/whining fit before bed to try and avoid it all together. “Me sit Mama baby.” No, you already sat with Mama and Baby Lana. “Me sit Dada.” (increasingly whiny and teary) No, you already sat with Dada. “Me watch Do-do” (a.k.a Dora) Hell no, child. It’s bedtime.

I did just hear a thunk against the wall, though, which usually means she’s out and has rolled over to knock one of her million stuffed toys into the wall next to her bed. It’s probably the light-up ladybug that projects stars and the moon onto the ceiling and walls, which is her new favorite. A gift from one of Ryan’s cousins for Lana actually, but D has commandeered it until L needs it. Which, my guess is, will be never, or at least until D gives it up willingly. So, never.

This has been a week for the record books around here. All 4 of us have been simultaneously sick. Urg. It started last weekend, when both Ryan and I felt the early twinges of sore throats and headaches. Fortunately mine progressed from there, as it usually does, into just a full-blown head cold. Unfortunately Ryan and D bore the brunt. Ryan has been home sick the past 2 days, which I think is a record for him, with fever, aches, chills/sweats, all over nasty. D barfed Monday and yesterday, but now seems to be on the mend with just the remnants of a runny nose left so far. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, however. L has gotten super congested again, but thankfully I think that is the extent of her cold. I hate when infants get sick, because what can you really do for them?

So we are anxiously awaiting the return of health within our walls. Needless to say moods will be improved all around when it comes. Not that we’ve been mean to each other, but being in the throes of the flu doesn’t really lend itself to robust conversation. Grunts and phrases have been our main modes of communication this week. Fortunately Ryan was feeling better today than yesterday and was able to help me take care of the tinies, but he’s still struggling and going to bed well before either of their bedtimes. So it again falls to me to get them ready and asleep, then finish up everything I need to do around the house. At least I was able to eat dinner before 10:00 tonight.

I do still need to clean up the kitchen. I actually cooked dinner tonight! It was a slow cooker beef bourguignon over egg noodles, which I thought was pretty good. Ryan said it was bland, but whatever. See, moods need to improve soon.

Right now, though, I think I’ll get L into her crib. Before she was born, I read a very helpful newborn trick for cold weather babies – put a heating pad in their crib to warm it up before you lay them down (remove it when they go in there, obviously), and they won’t be awakened so much by their head hitting a cold sheet. So far it’s worked wonders for L. She almost never wakes when I put her in there at bedtime or after her nightly feedings. And fortunately she doesn’t need this pacifier anymore once she’s asleep. She does get a little frantic looking for it when it falls out before she’s totally out, but once the eyelids have drooped for the last time she doesn’t need it to stay asleep or need it put back in if she wakes in the night. Hallelujah. That was one game I was completely unwilling to play – find and replace the pacifier. No way.

I know I should go to bed immediately once the kids are asleep, but these night time hours when I have the house to myself (who am i kidding – i mean the tv to myself) and everyone else is quiet are when I can get “me” stuff done – work on L’s baby book, clean up whatever messes have been left from the day, eat if I haven’t gotten around to it at regular meal times during the day (which is almost always these days), breathe. They help remind me that these peaceful times far outweigh the bad ones in this crazy, exhilarating, frightening, amazing thing we call parenthood. They help remind me why we are not one of the species who eats their young, but rather one who loves and embraces the next generation we have bred. For these tinies right here are going to grow up to be wonders. Our wonders.

See, just look at that face. A precious person in the making…

L

 

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6 weeks

Lana turned 6 weeks old yesterday, and I thought I’d give you a peek into how I’m doing 6 weeks postpartum.

  • Weight:  Down 30 lbs. so far. I started at 149.5, gained 36 lbs. to 185.5, and was back down to 155.5 yesterday morning. So 6 more lbs. to go until I reach my prepregnancy weight. I’m in no rush. It’ll come off when it comes off. So far I think breastfeeding has been responsible for 100% of the weight loss.
  • Activity:  I haven’t gotten back to any sort of formal exercise. I’ve taken the girls on a couple walks with Della in the stroller and Lana in a carrier, but unfortunately it’s a colder season than when D was born when I was able to take her on a good hour walk almost every day. My walking speed has gotten back to normal, though. The first walk we took 5 days after Lana was born was slightly excruciating. I forgot how slowly I had to go. But now everything is fine and I can cruise as before. I did try to rake the front yard really quickly last week before the leaf truck came, and I was definitely more tired/weak than I expected to be by the end of that. My cardio endurance is obviously not back in shape. Fortunately I think my ability to go to the gym once a week with my trainer until almost the very end of this pregnancy helped me keep strength up better than I did when I was pregnant with D, because muscle-wise I feel a lot stronger than I did after she was born.
  • Sleep:  Lana is creeping closer to only waking up once a night, which helps me a ton. On her long sleep nights she’ll go to bed around 9:30, sleep until 4-4:30, then sleep again until 7-8 usually. That is much better than waking at 2ish and 5ish, as she had been doing once she dropped that 11ish wake up as well. She still does have 2 wake up nights, but thankfully they are becoming fewer and farther between. I just need to work on going to bed when she does instead of staying up an hour or two later. That time at night when they’re both asleep and silent is just so nice, though… And fortunately my carpal tunnel syndrome is gone, so I don’t wake up in misery and have to shake my arms out anymore. The night time pain disappeared almost immediately after delivery, but the weird nerve twinges and numbness lasted for a couple weeks. I’ve just noticed recently that those seem to finally be gone as well.
  • Sanity:  Not too bad. Once I survived the first week at home alone with the 2 of them, I felt much more confident in my ability to keep all of us alive. Each day gets a little easier, too, as I get more and more used to this routine. It sucks that the weather will be cold soon though, since D won’t be able to get outside to play. Not that we’re outdoors running around for hours on end each day or anything, but when it’s nice I try to take them on a walk to the store or to the park or play outside with her in her playhouse or just let her run around the yard for a while. Hopefully I don’t go stir crazy this winter when we’re cooped up inside constantly. I’m terrible with arts and crafts, too, so I need to work on filling our mornings with some sort of activity so she doesn’t just plop down in front of the TV or computer.

So that’s about it. We’re all still alive, clothed, and fed, so I’m calling that a win. I haven’t totally lost my shit yet either, which is encouraging since we’re potty training D right now too and L doesn’t like to be put down. So she just spends a lot of time in the bathroom with us.

I don’t have my official 6 week checkup for another almost week and a half, but I don’t think she’ll find any complications or anything. The bleeding and general goo exodus ended at 5 weeks, just as it did after D, and I’ve felt really good since Lana checked out of the womb hotel.

And I know how much you miss looking at my belly, so here’s a triple comparison shot. Left is the first pregnancy picture I took this time (4 weeks and change i think), middle is the day before L was born (39 weeks exactly), and right is me yesterday (6 weeks postpartum, same pants as the 1st pic for comparison). Enjoy!

 

 

 

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Looking back

I meant to write this post before Lana was born while I was still pregnant, but, oops.

I basically just wanted to take a minute to look back on this pregnancy and remind myself how it compared to my first one:

  • Symptoms were a little different, appeared sooner, and seemed to be more pronounced.
    • I really had no morning sickness with Della, whereas this time I was plagued for a good 2 months. Fortunately I only barfed 1 night (all night long, ugh), but that horrible nausea stayed with me for a solid 8 weeks, from about week 6 to week 14-15.
    • I did get sick during the early weeks of both pregnancies. With D I got just a really bad cold with a cough that wouldn’t quit. This time I again got what I thought was a horrible cold/cough combo, but it turned out to be an upper respiratory infection. Then the penicillin they put me on exacerbated the nausea. Hoo boy, that was fun.
    • My sensitivity to certain scents wasn’t nearly as severe this time as it was with D. There are honestly some things that I smelled during my 1st pregnancy that made my stomach turn so terribly that I still can’t stand smelling them to this day. I experienced a little of that this time around, but not nearly as badly as with D.
    • My sacro-iliac joint pain cropped up early on in this pregnancy with a vengeance, while I really only remember being bothered by it during my 3rd trimester with D.
    • I had that horrible carpal tunnel syndrome this time, mainly in the last 2 months, where I never had it with D. I do think it helped prepare me for this newborn stage again, though, since I was pretty much used to not sleeping by the time L was born.
    • All the other all over aches and pains just seemed a little worse this time – I felt more tired by the end, my body felt more sore by the end, etc.
  • My 2nd trimesters were almost identical, though. Felt great, pains weren’t too terrible yet, decent energy, plus it was summer so we were out and about a lot just enjoying the days and nights.
  • My weight gain seemed different this time, too. I gained 33 lbs. with D, and I gained 36 lbs. with L. In looking back at the pictures, I think I gained it more all over with D, whereas this time it seemed to really go mainly to my belly. My face, arms, and butt all looked much fuller/bigger when I was pregnant the first time than they did this time. Why, I have no idea, especially since I gained a couple more pounds this time.
  • I didn’t focus nearly as much this time on “being pregnant” as I did with D. That’s due to the obvious fact that we had a toddler to focus on, so pregnancy wasn’t as new, unknown, and front and center as it was the first time. That’s not saying we didn’t care that I was pregnant this time, it just didn’t seem to have the “wow factor” that it did with D. Yes, I did the weekly pictures, kept track of milestones, stuff like that, but most of the time I was just focused on normal daily life with Ryan and D. Plus losing my job and transitioning to being home was in there this time too, so I think I just had a lot more on my mind period.
  • I was able to exercise almost the entire pregnancy this time, whereas last time I was put on a no exercise restriction for 6 weeks around 4 months in, then never really picked back up after that was over. This time I think I did my last workout at the gym with my trainer around 36.5 weeks pregnant. I really think it helped me with recovery, just having that little bit of exercise each week to keep my body moving.
  • I don’t think we were nearly as anxious about having a baby this time as we were last time. I remember before D was born I had all the nursery stuff set up super early, baby clothes that we had washed and in the drawers, all the extras in place and ready to go, stuff printed out from the online birthing class I did to get ready for labor, all this extra crap that we never even touched in the hospital bag, etc. This time we were obviously nervous about just the whole unknown of when labor was going to happen and how it was going to be adding another little person to our family, but the day-to-day stuff was a no brainer. Nursery furniture? It’s pretty much all there and the same stuff, we just moved the crib into our room when we got D a big bed. Baby clothes? No sweat – I brought what newborn and gender neutral stuff we had down from the attic, washed it again, and made room for it in D’s dressers. Diapers/wipes/necessities? I just added some smaller sizes to our monthly Amazon delivery – easy peasy. It just didn’t seem as scary. We’re having another baby – excellent. Not OH MY GOD WE’RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!!!

I think those were the main things I had in mind. Will there be a 3rd pregnancy to compare/contrast someday? Who knows. We’re not there yet – let’s make sure #2 survives first.