Tag: TMI

Too much info

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Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy – #5

Wait, wait, wait. Where is #4? you may be asking. Remember, I tricked you and called it “The first time” instead. Duh.

Before I get started, though, how are all you mamas-to-be holding up in this heat wave? Especially those of you so near the end? I hope you’re staying cool and as un-swollen as possible. Is that even a word? Eh, it is now. I totally lucked out last summer – it didn’t really get super hot until right when D was born, so I was able to hole up in air conditioning permanently with good excuse. The heat and the lake did make an exquisite combination this morning, though. As I was driving over a bridge, it must have been the cool air coming in off the lake that made almost an envelope of fog over the end of the bridge. Kind of like you were driving straight into a huge cotton ball. Very cool.

So anyway, this one can be summed up in 2 words: Mucous. Plug. Yep, you read that correctly. Mucous plug. Holy hell, SM, you get more disgusting by the minute. Whaaaat? It’s not my fault. Blame nature. Or evolution. Or something. It’s just one of those things, those nasty beautiful things the female body does while pregnant. I warned you from the get-go that this little series of posts was not for the faint of heart. So quit your bitchin’ and follow along here. Seat belts fastened? Good.

First off, what is it? Basically it’s just a big wad of snot that builds up in your cervix while pregnant to make sure everything that’s supposed to stays inside and everything that’s not supposed to stays out. Very scientific explanation, yes, but you get the gist. So by the end of a pregnancy as the cervix starts to shorten and thin to prepare for delivery, the mucous plug is no longer held as tightly in place, and eventually SLURP! Out it comes.

Ok, now here’s the thing. I had read about the mucous plug while I was pregnant, and knew full well that I might meet it toward the end of my pregnancy. Even armed with that knowledge, however, it still scared the living shit out of me when we finally did come face-to-face. Because I was soooo not ready for such an early sign of labor when it came out, 16 days before my due date. 16 days?!!? No, not fair, not fair. We desperately needed those 16 days sans baby to keep working on our house. For we were in the throes of a full kitchen remodel when D was born. And I just kept praying to that little baby (we didn’t know she was a “she” until she came out) inside me to just stay in there, just stay in there, pleeease just stay in there until your due date. Mommy and Daddy need to get more shit done! Actually, I secretly made a deal with it (yes, i called her an it before she was born because constantly typing or saying him/her and he/she is really annoying) – just stay in there until August and we’ll call it a deal. I guess she heard me, for sure enough, August 1 rolled around and out she popped (which ended up being 8 days after the mucous plug did). I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain very well though – we still didn’t have any counter tops in the kitchen at that point.

I think one of the reasons I freaked out when I saw my mucous plug on the outside of my body, was that you really have no idea how quickly things will progress once it happens. Once I saw that huge glob of snot in my underwear (and yes, that is exactly what it looked like. huge and snotty) I immediately looked it up online to see what happens next, right after I started breathing again when the panic attack subsided. And that was no help whatsoever – everywhere said it could signal labor in the next 12 hours, or it could signal labor in the next 2 weeks. Well what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Go to the hospital and tell them hi, my mucous plug just fell out so I need to sit here and wait for oh, maybe 2 weeks? Yeah, didn’t think so. We did have a family picnic to attend up in Sheboygan that afternoon, though, so I told R we might want to think about skipping it and sticking close to home just in case, since I’d just had my very first labor sign. We kind of gave each other the “holy shit, we’re having a baby” face, but decided to go to the picnic anyway. I was having no other signs of labor, no contractions of any sort, so we figured it’d be fine to go. Turns out that may have been the one time in our lives when we were right about something.

So yeah, the mucous plug. You might see it when it falls out, or you might miss it if it just heads straight for the toilet water when you’re doing your duty. If you do catch a glimpse of it when it comes out, though, you know you’re approaching go-time. Unfortunately you just don’t really know exactly how much longer you’ll have to wait. At least you’ll know that you’d better get that bag ready, and you’ll probably perfect your “holy shit, we’re having a baby” face.

 

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When I’m tired, personal hygiene is the first thing to go

Sounds gross, I know, but it’s true. And I don’t mean like I don’t put on deodorant or change my underwear for weeks at a time or anything like that, but when I’m really tired, simple toiletry tasks just annoy me.

Take, for example, today. I was bone tired and not feeling that great all day, so by the time I picked up D, had her first parent teacher conference (yes, in daycare! silly, but it was actually pretty cute. don’t worry, she’s never been sent to the principal’s office 😉 ), and got home after work, the last thing I really felt like doing was getting in the shower. However, I didn’t shower yesterday, so today I was due. Ever since D was born I’ve adopted a one-day-on, one-day-off showering routine. Sorry, I know some of you super cleanies are thinking, “Oh my god, she doesn’t bathe daily? That’s disgusting!” But when D was a newborn, getting a shower in every other day was a victory. And if I don’t workout and get all sweaty in a particular day, I really don’t get that dirty or stinky. And since my good heavy sweat-inducing workouts have been few and far between since that glorious day last August (i’m working on that, i promise!), I’ve just continued my every-other-day schedule. As far as I see it, why waste time and resources showering if I don’t really need to?

However, if I try to go more than a day in between showers, my hair starts to look like I’ve been working next to a deep fryer too long. I can sometimes stretch it to 2 days, but then I need to start getting creative with the hairdo so as not to look like a total greaser, and that’s the absolute most even I can stand. That usually happens when a weekend is involved, too. I try not to subject my coworkers to such atrocities.

Another one that I can get lazy about is brushing my teeth before bed. I’m really pretty good about oral care, so again, if this happens it’s usually on the weekend – we often watch movies on weekend nights, during which I have a tendency to fall asleep, so when I wake up to stumble into bed the last thing I feel like doing is waking up more to clean my teeth. It all depends on which I want less – to brush and floss, or wake up with little furry coats on my teeth. Honestly, sometimes my teeth just seem cold and get to wear the little coats. And hey, they haven’t fallen out yet.

Washing my face before bed? Another thing that starts to take on “chore” status for me sometimes. I never skip this entirely though, because my skin is oily so it needs to be cleansed in some fashion. If I haven’t worn makeup that day, I might just use a facial cleansing cloth or a cotton pad with toner instead of a full-on washing. And those also tend to be weekend days. Hmm… maybe it’s just weekends when I get hygienically lazy.

So now that I’ve revealed some more of my dirty little secrets (ha! get it? dirty? i’m hilarious), I totally won’t be offended if everyone goes running for the exits in horror. I promise, though, I’m really not that revolting – I did take a shower today, after all. 🙂

 

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I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I just can’t help myself

** WARNING: This post contains WAY too much tmi (and yes, i know the “tm” in tmi already stands for too much, so you should get the picture). So if you have no interest in knowing anything about the marital act in our house (wink, wink, if ya know what i mean) then stay away! 🙂 **

Now that my little full disclosure statement is out of the way, let’s get onto the main event…. I’ve been going back and forth in my head all night and day about whether to post this one or not, and I finally decided to take the plunge. What the hell – I’m opening up with you about all other aspects of my life, so why not this one too? R might want to strangle me if he knew I was telling you guys about this, but I’m really not disclosing anything too personal. It’s not even embarrassing in the slightest, just something funny that occurred when we both happened to be naked. 😉 (oh come on, you all know we have sex. we have a kid, duh)

Let me start by saying that when you have an infant, getting it on usually takes a back seat to the bazillion other things you have to do to take care of said infant. At least it has in our house, anyway. (ok that might be a little embarrassing, letting you know the status of our sex life since having D, but whatevs, it happens ;)) R and I have talked about it lots of times too – it has nothing to do with not wanting to engage in the act, we’re just always busy or tired or busy and tired or tired of being busy…. We’ve even tried to make sure we designate a day each week as “the day” to make sure we, how shall I say, keep in touch like that. Yeah, that usually fails too. (some of you may be thinking really, SM, only 1 day a week? yes – see above about all the busy and tired and baby. 1 day a week. if more, awesome! but right now we shoot for 1. wow, this is getting more embarrassing by the second after all! :))

Well last night D was super cranky after daycare because she hadn’t taken an afternoon nap, so after I fed her once we got home she konked out. Success! And apparently R found my opening the dishwasher to try to get the clean dishes put away before she woke back up enticing, because he suggested a little “nap nookie”. At first I was like what, really, right now? But then I was like yeah, really, right now! Duh. Let’s move this little game to the bedroom.

Now here’s the part that made me want to write this post. I got a new box of condoms the other week that touted something about “her ecstasy”. Yes please, I’m all about that. And yes condoms, because although I’m not yet back to “normal” in that monthly-ish cycle way due to breastfeeding, it doesn’t mean I can’t still get pregnant; and we don’t want D v.2.0 just quite yet. I didn’t know what all the “her ecstasy” in that box entailed, but it was good advertising on Trojan’s part. Well when R opened the box last night we both about died laughing. He pulls out the slew of condoms and goes, “They’re huge!” And dudes, they were – they were gigantic! There was a row of enormous shiny purple wrappers just laughing in our faces. I was like what in the world did I buy?? R said, “What, are these Magnums? I must have been fooling you all these years because I’m not that big!” Omg y’all, we were seriously in hysterics. I kept saying no way, I swear they’re regular size, I didn’t see anything about XXL on the box when I bought them! So I grabbed one of the packages and felt the contents, and it seemed to be the normal size, so we couldn’t figure out why they looked so much bigger than the other kind we’d always gotten. Well screw it, let’s get one of these open and give it a whirl, see what the deal is. Sure enough, it was the regular size and worked like a charm, so I still have no idea what was going on with the wrappers. Besides causing some sexy time hilarity, there really was no reason for the humongous pouches. Inflation I guess – add more packaging to give us less bang for our buck? (ha, get it, bang? i’m so funny)

And the “her ecstasy” part must be the super lube factor on these. Which I am also all about right now. For since I’m still breastfeeding D, that is one of the pleasant side effects I get to experience. A little *lack of moisture* in the lady area, if you will (gross, that just sounds gross, but “dryness” makes me think of a desert). Oh, they didn’t tell you that? Yeah, it’s fantastic. Sorry – I warned you – tmi. I’ve never had to deal with that one before, but now I know why there’s a whole aisle full of lube at the drugstore. So if these condoms take care of that part for you, sweet! Another side effect I had read about while pregnant but wasn’t sure how accurate it would be is the decrease in sex drive you might experience while breastfeeding. Hmm, maybe that’s true too and may account for some of the reason why our mojo has waned a little. I’ll have to work on that one. 😉 You gotta love all these hormones and stuff the female body goes through to make a little person!

So there you have it – a glimpse into the bedroom of SM. Fascinating, ain’t it? 😉 Hopefully you weren’t too shocked and awed and will continue to come back and read. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t make these kinds of posts a habit. Unless you’re just dying for more, that is…. 😉

p.s. This episode just goes to show the difference between sex after 5 years of marriage and a baby and sex while dating. Can you imagine pulling out ginormous condoms while trying to be all coy and sexy in the courtship phase of your relationship? Instant mortification! But now? We just flop on the bed and laugh at ourselves. 🙂