Tag: Rants

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Validation

Both good and bad, I guess.

Last night I went to a Jockey Person2Person clothing party at one of my good friend’s houses, and it was awesome. I was completely unfamiliar with that line of Jockey, but the clothes are fantastic. High quality, beyond comfortable, stylish and flattering for a woman’s body, and washable/dryable without shrinking or pilling – excellent! I ordered a pair of black modal active bootcut pants and I can’t wait until they arrive. I could seriously live in those things if it was socially acceptable to never change your pants. And what could be more fun than sharing a couple bottles of wine with girlfriends while trying on a bunch of new clothes? Yeah that’s right – nothing.

(side note – if you see anything you like in the catalog in that link above, or if you’d be interested in either hosting one of those parties or becoming a rep yourself, let me know. i’ve got the hookup)

So anyway, as we were tossing around shirts, workout tanks, dresses, and other various articles of Jockey clothing, of course the conversation turned to boobs. Why wouldn’t it in a house full of topless women? Most of us there have swum together for years, so we’ve all seen each other in more stages of undress than just bared to our bras. One girl had just had hers beautifully lifted after having her babies, and can I just say they looked spectacular!! I was of course envious of her gorgeous rack, and was lamenting the current deflated state of my own micro-rack and the fact that none of my bras fit properly anymore. Then one of the other girls said, “Thank you! That’s exactly how I felt!” Sweet – I’m not crazy or the only one who thinks her post-baby boobs have turned into little tiny niddlers! (name the movie that has that description of boobs in it and i’ll give you a cookie) The universe hasn’t singled me out with this punishment, it does happen to others! We both said how now we have to have all these different sections of bras in our collection – pre-pregnancy, pregnancy, nursing, then post-nursing. Bleh. I may as well just be wearing a training bra at this point. Again – who’s got suggestions for comfy, properly-fitting bras out there?

On the flip side, here’s where the bad validation came into play. Well not bad bad like I’m now thinking harmful thoughts or anything, but it totally cemented my notion that these things really have shrunk. This past weekend as I was vomiting out everything that’s been tumbling around in my head to R, of course I landed on how I hate the current state of affairs on my chest. I’m like seriously, there wasn’t much there to start with, but now what little I had has even disappeared in recent days. He said oh yeah right, and I’m like no, really, feel. So he did, and you know what he said? “Well, maybe they are a little smaller.” See! See?! I told you. I told him I need a boob job now when we’re done having kids and he just laughed and said don’t be silly, maybe they’ll come back. What?! Why would they just decide to come back once more tiny mouths have sucked the life out of them? I might have to get the number of my friend’s doctor who did her work, see if she also specializes in miniature versions.

I’ve heard so many women say that their boobs just kept getting bigger and bigger with each successive child they had, and I was so hoping that would be the case for me too. Ha! Yeah right, SM, you should’ve known better. That’s not how your luck works.

Boobs – you didn’t think I could talk about them so much, did you?

 

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Brain drain

This post may seem kind of rambling, crazy, and pointless to many, but that’s just kind of how things are rolling around in my head right now. Lucky you.

Now that I’m done breastfeeding and the milk has completely dried up, my boobs are utterly and totally lifeless. And I hate it. I think back to how full and nice they were while they were producing infant life force, and it makes me sad to look at the shells that have been left behind. They were certainly nothing special to begin with (emphasis on the nothing there), but now I swear they’re even less so if that’s at all possible. And for whatever reason none of my pre-pregnancy bras fit right anymore. Maybe I’ve just forgotten how underwires feel after not wearing one through those 9+ months of nursing, but damn if they aren’t uncomfortable! I used to avoid bras without them, but now I can’t seem to find one in my drawer that I like. I’m debating going to have an actual bra fitting done, but I’m afraid the woman will just laugh in my face and say, “Hon, what are you thinking? You don’t even need a bra!” The only one I’ve ever had done was while I was pregnant, and I was actually wearing the correct size at that time. But now I’ve lost that cup size I gained and it seems like every other aspect is out of whack too. Hmm – anyone have suggestions on comfortable bras they like?

Work sucks. There, I said it. People always ask, “How’s work going?” because they know my company has gone through round after round of layoffs the past couple years, and I have been fortunate to survive them all. Trust me, I know how fortunate I am, and I’m definitely not taking my employment for granted. And I usually answer that question, “Oh it’s fine. Work’s work,” but to be perfectly honest I get more and more restless every day. I like my job and all, but I just keep feeling useless. Like, what am I doing there that no one else can? When is the next round of firings going to come with my head on the chopping block? Fortunately I think we are past that point in the survival of our firm, but I still can’t help but wonder. There really isn’t a career path for me much past where I am now, which is actually totally fine. I’ve aimed to get where I am now my whole time in this industry so far, and I’m perfectly happy in my current role. But I always feel like one day someone is going to expect me to want more, and when they realize I’m content where I am now they won’t be able to understand that and run me over for the next hungry young guy (i say guy because this is still a fairly male-dominated industry, even though there are very many extremely talented, smart women in it. ok, hungry young guy or girl). I can’t help it, though – I get a paycheck, I have excellent benefits, I am good at what I do, I don’t need more and more responsibilities to feel validated in my career, and I enjoy the flexibility that I have now to leave work each day at a pretty reasonable hour and go home to be with my family. For that is what’s most important to me now – my family. And I just feel that so many people in my office make their life revolve around their job that I get further and further removed from that mindset every day. Maybe it’s just because things are a little slower at work right now, my mind has time to wander into this dangerous territory. I don’t know. I know I need to keep my job to help sustain the livelihood of our family, but I just really don’t want to. Isn’t that terrible? I should be considering myself lucky that I even still have a job as great as mine, and here I am complaining. I’m such a brat. (which in itself doesn’t help my feeling of uselessness either)

When are we going to have more kids? Woah, there’s one for ya. I swear every other second I start trying to figure that question out, and it’s beginning to drive me a little crazy. See, here’s the sitch – I know we want more (one, maybe two more, probably definitely no more than that), but when should we get to work on that little side project? Maybe it’s because now my body’s getting back into its groove and I know that project is possible again, or maybe it’s all the awesome babies coming into the world right now, or maybe it’s just because. Who knows. All I know is that it’s fairly constantly on my mind right now and I just don’t know the answer. And I don’t like not knowing. I originally thought it’d be great to give D a sibling about 2 years younger than her – have them pretty close together so they’d grow up close, plus if we decide to go for more after that I’d be that much younger when the time comes to work on #3. But then I started thinking wait, is that fair to D? Should we give her another year or more where it’s just her, so she can enjoy having all of our attention and love a little while longer? Would we miss out on precious moments and memories with D if we decide to go for it sooner rather than later and have to focus a chunk of ourselves on a new baby? And I have no idea how to answer that. I can see the pros and cons in both, and I feel like I’m about to tear in half when I try to come up with a solution. I teeter back and forth between leaning strongly one way, then the other, then I get all messy when I try to reconcile my feelings. Ugggghhhhh. Why is this worm eating away at my brain right now? And why won’t it tell me the answer? And when is it going to stop making me itch?

Well we’re still on our mini-vaca, so maybe some of these things are getting resolved as you read this. And maybe not. But throwing them out of my head for once helps it feel a little better, so thank you for letting me do that.

 

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One of those days

You know, the days where you feel like you just can’t win. Like whatever you do, it’s not good enough, or you can’t get it done fast enough, or it’s just not right. Yesterday turned into one of those days when I got home from work.

All I wanted to do was sit and relax in the sun for half an hour when I got home, while it was still shining on the back part of our driveway. I’m feeling seriously vitamin D deficient after this miserable “Spring”, and I was exhausted. Well I had to take D out there with me because R was working on something, so I grabbed one of her books, her water cup, and a little container full of Cheerios, and I strapped her into her stroller so she couldn’t boogie away from me. This worked well on Monday – she played in there for quite a while as we grilled and ate dinner outside – so I figured it’d be a fine alternative to hauling her playpen outside again, especially since I was only going to be out there for 30 minutes. Of course not. She played with her stuff for a minute or two, then got totally fidgety and everything started being thrown overboard. After about the fourth time of retrieving and replacing her Cheerio tub I just left it. Whatever got thrown out and onto the driveway stayed there, while she contorted her body into every angle possible trying to launch out of the straps. R came out to take out some garbage and I think could sense my growing frustration, so he took D with him when he went inside. Thank you! Too bad my quiet sun-filled glory that I so desired was short-lived, because after no more than 2 minutes I heard D start screaming. Good lord, now what? She’d apparently fallen into the side of her playpen holding her water bottle and I think scared herself more than anything, but either way my chance to relax outside was now thoroughly shot to hell. And only 20 minutes later, a good portion of which was spent picking up baby paraphernalia. Hmpf.

Last night I also wanted to get a load of laundry done and D’s and my clothes packed for a mini-vacation we’re taking this weekend. After the playpen crying, though, she was all upset and cranky, so I decided it was time for some supper for her. And then, oddly enough, she was covered in food and sticky whatever leftover in her hair from daycare, so she needed a bath (no, i don’t bathe her every day. babies aren’t that dirty, but this child was pretty filthy last night). I finally got a chance to get the first load of laundry in the washer after her bath, and I could tell she was getting sleepy and ready for her bedtime bottle at that point – it was 6:45. So I heated up her milk, got situated with her in my arms on the couch, and almost instantly her eyelids became heavy as she drank down the moo juice. Just as she was about to konk out completely, R shouted out from the bathroom to get him a towel since I’d thrown the ones that were in there in the laundry. What?? You’re joking, right? Just step on the mat to dry your feet and walk out to the hall closet to get one yourself (our hall closet is approximately 4 steps from the bathroom door). And of course I didn’t want to shout that I couldn’t come running at that exact second because I didn’t want to disturb D as she was falling into slumberland. So after the third bellow from the bathroom, I tried as hard as I could not to jostle her and carried her into the hallway with her bottle to get a towel to throw into the bathroom. Failure. She was totally awake and then ready to play once she saw Daddy. Back into the living room we went.

It took 3 tries to get her to bed last night, for each time she’d doze by the end of her bottle something would grab her attention and it was playtime once more. Boo. Then when I finally did put her in her crib, she began another screaming session, which he haven’t had for months now. Why can I not please this child?? Ear infection back? Sickness of some sort (she was kind of pukey last night)? Just mad at the world (hey, i know the feeling kid)? Whatever it was it was not helping the mood of my day. Thankfully R put her to sleep that time with a little rocking, so I could switch the loads of laundry (when i was only expecting to do one in the first place) and get something to eat for myself. Just as I was finishing my sandwich and getting ready to simply sit for a few minutes, which was all I’d wanted to do since I’d gotten home, D started crying again in her crib. Silly Mommy, you don’t get any down time. So I went in there after a few minutes when it was obvious she was really awake and not just doing her little sleep cries where she puts herself back to sleep, and picked her up to rock her. Then she barfed on herself. Then she barfed on me. And it’s no longer just the little spit up of sweet-smelling breast milk, oh no. It is now curds of foul-smelling sour whole milk and whatever else she’s eaten that day. Lovely. So I had to change her onesie, and fortunately through all the screaming and crying I could tell she was still wiped out tired, so it only took a minute of rocking after that and she was zonked out for the night.

Okkkkk, now where was I with the rest of the shit I wanted to get done? Oh that’s right – NOWHERE. By then it was 9:30 and I had to start the dishwasher, get the second load of laundry out of the drier and fold everything, then go to bed. My exhaustion from earlier in the day certainly hadn’t magically worn off, and I wanted to get to bed early. Failure again. And the packing I wanted to at least start? Didn’t even get the duffel bag out of the attic. Mm-kay, fun. So my lack of progress there, coupled with the unexpected trials and tribulations of D at bedtime, more laundry than I felt like doing, and late bedtime once again made for one crabby SM.

But things always seem better in the morning, right? Wrong. D woke up crying 15 minutes before my alarm went off, and of course I was the one who got up with her. Of course. Sorry, R, that’s why I slammed the door this morning. I just wanted those 10 extra minutes of sleep by the time I actually got out of bed to go into her room. So the mood to begin today picked up right where it left off last night – shitty.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot the best part. For the first time in 19 months my body is doing that thing. That thing that women’s bodies do monthly-ish? Yeah, that thing. Oh sweet, let’s have a parade. On one hand I’m actually glad to see it again, since it means my body is getting back to normal after the whole experience of pregnancy, child birth, and breastfeeding. On the other hand it could be contributing to this funk. I’ve never been a “PMS-er”, thank god, but man if I’m not in a mood right now. And I just feel bleh – my body looks gross to me, the milk machines are done and now back to their original non-existent state, I need to do more exercise, my skin has decided to give me the gift of breakouts, and I’m still tired (crazy, i know!).

And now I get to add packing to my to-do list for tonight. Joy.

 

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Last post on this, I promise

This article was published yesterday about the Bernie Brewer lawn ornament disaster, and it made me feel so much better about the whole thing. I didn’t know there was a “grand prize” Bernie, but I was beyond ridiculously happy to read this story of who found it.

And apparently the hoarder issued an apology too. That’s big of her and all, but saying you didn’t know you were only supposed to take 1 because you just followed what you saw on Twitter and didn’t read the official rules? Nice try, but Bernie tweeted numerous times to share with other Brewers fans if you found many of them and only take 1 for yourself. Try again next time, little Miss Hoardy McHoarderson, and learn to play fair!

Completely unrelated, but equally as heart-warming (or should i say, belly-warming?), check out what we had for dinner last night. I saw these online last week and couldn’t believe we hadn’t had them before! So R, being the absolute gem that he is, grilled them right up for us. You can read his synopsis of them over at TinySausage.

 

The Hamburger Fatty - yes, those are grilled cheeses for the bun

 

Inside the Fatty

 

 

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Leave it to people to ruin it

The Brewers have been running a promotion called “Where’s Bernie?”, Bernie being the team’s mascot. Over the past week or so they’ve been hiding mini-Bernie lawn statues in county parks around the state, and today was the day the hunt for them began. Starting at 5:00 this morning you could go out in the parks and look for the “stach”-ues (Bernie’s got a big handlebar mustache), taking one if you found them. They were placing 1,400 total – 400 of them were spread out across all the parks they chose and had prizes attached (game tickets, game-used merch, zoo passes, etc.), and the remaining 1,000 were all in one location which was not announced until this morning. Bernie had been leaving clues on Twitter as to what parks were going to contain the “stach”-ues, but the location with the big 1,000 lot wasn’t revealed until 5:00 am today.

Now here’s the kicker. The 1,000 Bernies weren’t supposed to be available to get until 7:00 am today. They announced the location at 5:00 when the rest of the scavenger hunt began, but you couldn’t grab these Bernies until 7:00 (the 1,000 Bernies did not have any prizes attached, they were just plain). As I was getting ready for work I checked out the Brewers site to see where the secret location was, and I was excited to see that the 1,000 Bernies were going to be placed in the lakefront parks downtown, really easy to get to from our house. Sweet! No way were we getting up at 4:30 to try to find a park to start looking for lawn ornaments at 5:00, but we’d said last night that if the big stash happened to be near us and we could stop on the way to work we’d give it a shot. So we hurried to get ready, dropped D off at daycare about half an hour early, and headed down to the lakefront to nab a Bernie. We got there around 6:50, plenty of time to spare, and we even saw a Brewers van with a guy in it. Awesome! We’ll get a Bernie for sure.

Um, not so much. We stopped by the Brewers van as another man and his young son were talking to the guy in it, and R hopped out to see how this was going to work. Well, turns out they’d already given away all the Bernies. And it wasn’t even 7:00 yet! What?? That’s not fair – all the press on this explicitly stated in bold and underlined that the 1,000 Bernies were not available to grab until 7:00 am (bold and underlined?! that means it must be so!). That totally sucks! So we drove down the lakefront a little further to where a big Brewers truck and Bernie himself were stationed. A big truck – they must have more Bernies there! Nope, they were gone too. WTF??

We were so annoyed. I mean, I know it’s not a huge deal; they are just plastic lawn ornaments after all. But it would’ve been a fun Brewers souvenir to have (not in the yard, mind you!), and we followed the rules like they’d asked! If I read it once I read it a million times throughout all the tweets and clues leading up to this – you won’t be able to pick up Bernies from the secret location until 7:00 am, and if you find more than one please be nice to other Brewers fans and only take that one. So who played nice? Apparently no one, not even the Brewers people themselves! If you’re going to hype this all up, make these rules, and then emphasize them so much, at least follow them yourselves so the rest of us who are trying to play your game have a shot at success. Don’t say ah well, people are already here early and trying to cheat so we may as well just let them win. That’s not how it goes. I don’t care if there was a camp of 8,000 people overnight hoping they were in the right spot for the secret 1,000 Bernies. We followed instructions, we looked up the location, we were there before 7:00, and yet you catered to everyone else. Way to instill trust in your fans, shitheads.

And the worst part? People already have these up on eBay. I just saw one for sale for $500! What?! These things were free you greedy bastards!

So the Brewers get a big thumbs down for their “Where’s Bernie?” game. What could have been a really fun community event was turned into a big fat failure by all the cheaters and those who allowed them to cheat. If you were one of the lucky ones who actually followed the clues to a park to find a Bernie with loot attached, or got down to the lakefront half an hour early to grab a plain Bernie when the jerks gave them out before they were supposed to, then bully for you. But leave it to people to ruin it for the rest of us. *sigh*

The elusive Bernie "stach"-ue