Tag: Parenthood

Because I’m a mom now

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An apology to my son

Dear Morrison,

I owe you an apology. And it’s for something of which I’m sure you have no notion nor will you ever have any recollection whatsoever. But I still feel I need to tell you, from my heart to yours.

I’m afraid I haven’t been a very good mama to you for much of your infancy. And yes, you’re only 9 months old so still in your infancy, but it’s mainly the earlier and mid-infancy months of which I speak.

I don’t think I’ve been the mama you deserve. Because you deserve the absolute very best, my sweet boy, and that has not always been me.

Don’t worry, I have loved you from the very second I knew I was pregnant with you, as you are my child and part of me. But there were times when I honestly did not like you very much. And trust me, it makes me feel terrible to even say that.

And the reason why makes me feel even worse, because it’s not just an “oh he’s crying, I don’t really like him right now” or “oh he’s not sleeping again, which I don’t really like” kind of not liking you. Although I’m sure the sleep deprivation didn’t really help matters. I really, truly didn’t like you, my very own son.

Because you were a boy.

And because I had wanted another girl and therefore thought I wasn’t capable of loving a little boy.

And that I couldn’t love a little boy as much as I love your sisters.

And that I wasn’t a “boy mom” and never could be.

I know, it’s absurd. I fully, 100% recognize and admit that fact. And that’s why feeling this way about you has eaten me up and made me feel like an absolute miserable parent. Who in their right mind would feel unable to love one of their own children as much as any others for any reason?

Me. And I’m more sorry than you will ever know.

But for some reason, over the past month or so, this feeling has lifted. All of a sudden one weekend I had so much fun with you and realized how utterly idiotic I had been feeling and probably acting. For although I never treated you poorly or worse than your sisters or badly or anything like that, I felt like I was subconsciously doing so due to my irrational mind-set.

It’s totally stupid, I know, believe me. Because I love you with my whole heart and soul, just as I do your sisters. And I never ever want anything less than the best possible things in life for each and every one of you. That I’ve always known.

And now I also know that there’s no such thing as a “boy mom” or a “girl mom.” There is simply mom. And I am one.

I’m yours. And I’m your sisters’.

And I am positively the best mama there ever could be for you. I promise to keep acting like it, now that I’ve finally started.

So please forgive me, my dear baby boy. You are my little lovebug. You always have been and you always will be.

 

Love,

Mama

 

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Almost 4 no more

Seeing as #3 could easily arrive any day now, I wanted to get at least 1 non-pregnancy-update post down before that happens.

Knowing our third child might be here momentarily, I’ve been trying to savor these last few days with just the 2 girls as much as possible. Watching each of them as they play and do whatever it is they’re doing alone. Usually that’s Lana setting up tiny tea parties and Della coloring. I’m just soaking up their respective essences even more so than usual as much as I can.

Today we spent the afternoon and evening across the street at our neighbors’ house for a little Memorial Day BBQ, so the girls didn’t have naps. Of course this is no big deal for D, but poor L was exhausted by about 6. She had a little meltdown at the end of our stay, which prompted our departure. I knew she was just beyond tired and there was nothing we could do about it, so as soon as we got home I got her in pj’s, brushed teeth, got her diaper on, and got her ready for bed. All the while with her screaming hysterically at me for no reason whatsoever other than that’s all she knew how to do at that point.

I darkened their room, turned the music and nightlights on, and sat down with her to rock. Within minutes her frantic thumb sucking slowed, her mile-long eyelashes were down permanently, her breathing slowed, and she even let out a couple little sleep squeaks that assured me she was out cold. I knew that was all it would take, but I kept rocking anyway.

I smelled her hair, watched her beautiful little face, cradled her tiny body, and loved every second. I don’t rock the girls often anymore, but I knew this one was special. It’s beyond rare that she’s tired enough to ever fall asleep in my lap, let alone while she’s still the baby. Della even came in at one point and asked why we were rocking so long. Finally, after about 10 minutes, I stood up and laid her gently in bed, tucking her in and giving those sweet baby cheeks a kiss.

Then I came out and colored with Della in her Hello Kitty coloring book. It’s been her favorite lately, and every night she’s a coloring machine. It’s one of those color wonder books where the markers are essentially clear and only show up on that particular paper, which I absolutely love. I don’t have to worry about it getting all over her or her clothes or the couch or the floor. So we took turns coloring a couple pictures, and I just loved watching her enchanted by the pages. She’s such a smart and wonderful kid, it warms my heart to be with her. I sometimes feel like I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with her, so I adore that she wants me to color with her these nights. I watched her concentrate and played with her pigtails, curly from all her playing today.

After coloring, she read a couple books with Ryan, another one of her favorite activities. She is getting so good at reading, it amazes me. When I put her to bed I didn’t mind at all giving her the extra back rubs and resting leg pats I do that she requested. Her yawns and sleepy eyes told me that she is probably well on her way to the land of nod already. I’ll go in and give them both one more tuck in and kiss before I go to bed. I still find nothing better than watching my beautiful children sleep. Ever since day 1.

With the impending arrival of #3, I am much less worried about “sharing” my love than I was when Lana was about to be born. I now know that the love in my heart for my children automatically increases exponentially as soon as they are born, so any fear that I couldn’t possibly love another as much as who we already have is completely unfounded. That hasn’t even been a thought in my mind this time around. In fact, I’m actually excited to see just how much I can love all 3 at once. And I know watching the girls with their little brother or sister is going to be magical. So in that respect, there’s a level of calm surrounding this coming birth that is nice.

I have made no bones about the fact that I would love to have another girl this time around, which is one thing I never said with the first 2. When we started having kids I always wanted a little girl, but as long as they were healthy, that’s all that mattered to me. But now that we have 2 incredible little girls, a third would just be so easy – we have all the girl clothes and the girl stuff and I know little girls. I know nothing about raising little boys. And I’m fearful that I’d be a terrible little boy mom, because I hear they’re constant balls of energy and movement and we all know I tend to be lazy. I mean less energetic than is probably necessary for a little boy at this point. Right.

So since that is out there in the universe, I’m sure #3 will be a boy. Who I will of course love from the start and make everything I just said sound utterly ridiculous. But that’s what babies do – turn your world upside down and prove just how much you can love. And quite often prove you entirely wrong when you’re just starting to think you know what you’re talking about and doing.

I think that’s about it. All the thoughts I’ve had running around in my head that I wanted to get down before #3 is here. Because once he/she is, my time on these pages I’m sure will be even more limited than it is now. But things here are in pretty good shape for baby’s arrival, too. The girls’ swing set is sanded, stained, and in place; this week I cleaned the entire house in preparation; this morning I cleaned up part of the garage, got the infant car seat adapter hooked onto the stroller, and steamed the floors; so now we’re just waiting. We do still need to pick names, but I’m sure we’ll get that done.

We’re almost 4 no more. And I pray that we thrive as a family of 5.

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Dear #3

{written on September 30, 2014}

Dear Rauling #3,

I just found out I’m pregnant with you this morning, and I could not be more shocked and excited. It took a much shorter time for you to get in there than it did for your sister Lana, and I was just assuming you would take even longer than she did. So to know you’re around already is a wonderful surprise.

Today has been kind of funny. I’m waiting until Daddy gets home from work to tell him by having Lana wear the “Big Sister” shirt that Della wore when I learned I was pregnant with Lana, so you’ve been my own personal little secret since this morning. I can’t wait to tell him and everyone else, but it’s been kind of special when I remember that I’m pregnant again and only you and I know it. But soon enough the world will know, and we’ll all be eagerly awaiting your arrival.

By the end of my pregnancy with your sister Lana, I said if we have another baby I definitely want to find out the gender to make the whole planning process easier, especially with other kids in the house. But now I think we’ll be surprised again. Della goes back and forth between wanting another little sister and a little brother, so she’ll be just as excited as anyone if we wait until you’re born to see who you are instead of finding out early (fortunately she has trimmed her sibling order down from 2 sisters and 2 brothers to just 1 more after Lana, so we might be good here). I must admit, I would love to have 3 little girls, but obviously you will be loved absolutely no less if you are a little boy. I’m sure your sisters would love to have a little brother to play with. Hopefully you’ll humor them with all the Hello Kitty and Frozen gear we have.

Now, I will apologize to you right now. Being the 3rd little one to join our family, I might not write about you quite as much on here. Actually, I probably won’t write a whole lot on here period once there are 3 of you to look after, but such is life. I will be enjoying my days home instead of worrying about a computer. I will, however, make sure to take note of all your milestones and accomplishments, as I have for your sisters. You’ll have your own page on here, too; it just might not be as full. I did say the same thing about Lana’s page, though, and she’s gotten a pretty good amount of entries.

Your baby book might not be huge, but it will definitely get filled. Actually, Lana’s isn’t as big as Della’s, not because I didn’t fill it in, but simply because that’s how it was made; there just aren’t as many pages. Which worked out perfectly, because I’m able to fill everything in without trying to find time to fill so many superfluous pages like in Della’s. Not to say that Della’s is a waste, because being the first kid she had a lot more pictures taken to fill those pages. Sorry, that’s just life. We get more of you guys, we get busier. But we get happier and happier, so never doubt that for a second. But back to my point, you will get a baby book.

You’ll probably wear a lot of hand-me-downs. Actually, that will be a wonderful thing if you are a little girl, because your sisters have some really great clothes. If you’re a boy, however, you probably won’t wear any hand-me-downs. So never mind – clothes will be a win-win for you either way.

Being #3, you’ll also get toted around a lot as your sisters grow and become busier. Della will start full-day kindergarten next year, so you and Lana will be my sidekicks. I hope you’ll enjoy running and walking in the stroller as much as they have, because chances are I’ll try to start jogging as soon as I’m allowed next summer. Have no fear, though, this does not mean you are any less important or any less present in our lives – you’ll simply be part of the flow of our family immediately, since your sisters don’t slow down for much. When Della was born it was all about her, since it was only her. When Lana was born it was a little more evenly split, because I was staying home and trying to figure out life with 2 little ones. Now for you I’ll have to perfect the child trifecta, but I can’t wait. I think this is going to be a lot of fun. An adventure, if you will.

One thing completely unique to you, however, is that I went for a run with Lana in the stroller today. I can definitely say that running was not something I did on the day I found out I was pregnant with either of your sisters.

But even though you will be #3, you are already playing a huge role. You might be my last pregnancy, so I will try to savor every minute (will you make me nauseous like Lana did? will you totally mess up my sense of smell like Della did? whatever you do, i’ll just know that it confirms you’re in there growing away). This might be my last labor and delivery, so please be as fast and smooth as your sisters were. You might be our last newborn, infant, toddler, 4-, 5-, 6-, and up-year-old, so I will cherish every sweet, sweet, second with you. As I do with your sisters, of course, but I think the baby of the family always carries an extra-special place.

I still can’t believe this is really happening, even after sitting here typing this whole letter to you. Your sisters are napping and Daddy won’t be home for another hour or so, so we have a little more time just the 2 of us before anyone else knows. Thank you for coming to us so soon, little one. I’m so thankful and ready for this journey with you. It’s just so hard to believe I’m pregnant again! This is pretty good timing on your part, though. Right now I think my due date will end up being sometime in early June next year, which is just in time for you to join the wedding party in Auntie Arianne’s wedding! Maybe Della and Lana can pull you down the aisle behind them in a tiny wagon.

I love you already, my dear. I hope and pray that all goes well in there for you and that this is another healthy, full-term pregnancy for me. I can’t wait to be your mother, too, and to be a family of 5!

 

Love,

Mama

 

Stats:

Beginning weight: 146.0 (lower than with both Della and Lana)

5 weeks: 146.0

6 weeks: 147.0 

7 weeks: 147.0

8 weeks: 148.5 (i can see my trying to quell the miserable nausea with food is starting to take effect…)

10 weeks: 151.5

13 weeks: 157 (so up 11 lbs. in the first trimester – much more than recommended, but similar to both your sisters when food was one of the main things on my mind. the weighing game ends here with you, though. i’ll check back at the very end to see how much we gain in total, but probably not again before that.)

 

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An answer, but still questions

I’ve finally figured out what’s been making me so ill at ease about this whole school thing with Della. It’s not the school or the teachers or the kids or their parents or the logistics or any of that.

It’s 100% me.

For pretty much as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt different than everyone else. And I’ve never known why. Still to this day, I have no idea what causes these feelings.

I don’t know if it was growing up with such a weird name (if anyone can tell me how to pronounce Picl, i’ll give you a hug), always being so much younger than the rest of my classmates (i would have been young for my grade with a may birthday anyway, but then i skipped a grade on top of that), always being a “smart kid” (though my friends were always smart and got good grades, too, so that was definitely not unique to me), or what, but I always felt like there was just something weird about me. I was different somehow.

In my mind, anyway.

No one ever bullied me or told me they didn’t like me or I couldn’t join them or they wanted me to go away, but I always felt like I didn’t quite fit in. Like I was always kind of the odd girl out. Like just a little bit I didn’t belong. Like people were always talking about me or somehow making fun of me.

I was never really the one everyone asked to do stuff with or be in their group or come to their party or go with them wherever, but I certainly wasn’t shunned either. I was much more of a homebody anyway, preferring to stay home with my family on the weekends instead of being at every party thrown around school, so that actually suited me just fine.

I always had good groups of friends growing up, too, so that even confounds me more as to from where these feelings stem. I don’t think I ever didn’t fit in, that’s the strange part. At least no one blatantly told me I didn’t, anyway.

I still kind of get a surge of this same feeling today, especially in new group situations. I’m a pretty shy person until I know you, then you usually can’t get me to shut up, so if I’m in a group setting where I know no one, I tend to be by myself, a little removed, waiting for an invitation in. It’s much less so than when I was a kid, but I can still feel it a little sometimes.

And it is exactly this that I never want our daughters to experience. I’m sure every kid is shy sometimes and may take a little while to warm up to new faces and places, but I never want them feeling left out or weird or different in a bad way. Because they aren’t.

They are the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing people I know, and it makes my heart ache just thinking that they might feel these same emotions of mine someday. So I really hope they never do. I want them to love being in school with new friends and doing new things and learning new lessons and ideas.

Unfortunately, being clueless as to what causes this in me, I’m not sure how to prevent it from churning in them as well. But I’m hell-bent on doing my best.

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The blink of an eye

That’s seemingly how long it took us to get here…

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Della started K4 on Tuesday, and I still can’t believe it’s really happened. Each year as the girls age, I say it doesn’t seem as if time has completely flown by to get to that point. I feel like it really has been just over 4 years that we’ve known Della and almost 2 that we’ve known Lana.

And I don’t mean that in a bad, oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-take-another-day-with-these-two way. I mean that in the absolute best way possible – that even though time in general feels as if it flies by most of the time, my days with these girls haven’t felt so. This time has felt just right, something for which I am grateful.

But this whole school thing? Hoo boy, has it crept up on me something fierce.

Not once in her lifetime until just recently, and especially not even when I started staying home with Della and then both once Lana was born, did I realize that their school years were going to approach so quickly. It felt like we had eternity to be together at home, on our own schedule, doing whatever we wanted and whatever the days allowed.

Why, I have no idea, because all along I’ve fully known at what age kids go to school. And around here I’ve always known that K4 is included in our school system, so our kids would naturally be going to it.

But here we are. Back to school.

And I don’t really like it.

Yet.

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I know this will be a wonderful experience for her and for all of us, but it’s just going to take me some time to get there mentally.

I will admit, having these first 2 half days under our belts does make me feel a little better. Like ok, we really can do this. But tomorrow is her first full 3-hour day, so I have to get us up, ready, and out the door to be at school before 8:15. Good luck.

And I did meet some new parents today who seem really nice and easy to get along with, so that made me infinitely more at ease about this whole 14-year process. Yes, 14 years. That’s how long she will be in the public school system now. Class of 2028, anyone? I about die every time I hear that.

There was 1 thing, though, that did make my heart soar when I heard it. Today as we were walking home, Della said, “I love going to school.”

And exhale.

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Early onset empty nest syndrome

Della starts school in just a couple weeks, and I won’t lie – I think it’s giving me major anxiety. Yes, it’s only K4, and yes, it will only be 3 hours a day in the mornings, but still. I don’t want her to be gone!

It’s so strange picturing my days here without her. What are Lana and I going to do all morning? Della is my resident babysitter for Lana when I need to get stuff done, whether it be work, cleaning, or just general stuff that doesn’t involve direct interaction with one of my children. Honestly, I can’t picture the days without her. I have a feeling it’ll take actually having her gone those hours before I can wrap my head around it.

I know she’ll be fine, and I’m sure she’ll thrive, knowing that incredible little mind and spirit of hers. Thankfully, our school district is one of the better ones in the state, so I’m not worried there either. It’s all me.

I’m going to miss her, though. She’s my first child, and I never even thought about the fact that her school days would be here so soon. 4 years? That’s all I get with her like this? 4 years?? I feel like we have so many more days we need to play and have no schedule and just be here together. But, sadly, they are quickly running out.

The notion of now being part of a school system for the next 20+ years is a little unsettling, too. Supplies and teachers and new kids and lunchrooms and that smell. Don’t all schools smell the same, or is that just me, too? I’m definitely not looking forward to like 700 new kids and their parents. What if I can’t stand all the parents of Della’s new classmates and then we’re stuck with them for 12 more years? Ugh. Or what if they feel that way about us? Ugh more.

I guess my memories of school days are not all sunshine and rainbows, and maybe that’s why I’m dreading this new chapter so much right now. Not that school was bad for me, I just don’t look back and think wow, those were the absolute best times of my life. I was so ready to be done with school and out of Peoria by the time I graduated high school, that that’s pretty much the main feeling about school that I remember. Sure I can tell you all about my elementary and middle schools, but overall, I just wanted to be done.

So I really hope Della enjoys her school days much more than I remember doing and doesn’t necessarily want to bolt out of here as soon as she can. Because I want her to always want to stay. Which is ridiculously selfish, because of course she won’t want to. But hopefully at least she’ll always want to come back.

I just don’t like this feeling that my baby girl is going to be in this giant sea of other students pretty soon, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want her to go, but I know she can’t stay here forever. And as much as I’d love to keep her here, I don’t think there’s any way I’m cut out for homeschooling. What, you don’t want to do your homework today? Ok cool, neither do I. Let’s go outside. Yeah, I don’t think they’d get very far with my classroom curriculum.

Is there any cure for this knot I get in the heart of my soul every time I think of her tiny little self walking through those huge, looming school doors? Or will it only be cured with time and seeing that it’s really not so scary (i hope) and watching her grow?

We did take a practice walk to the school today and played on the playground, so I could get a feel of how early our morning routines will have to start come September. It’s not too bad, but I’m sure I won’t be able to take them in the double stroller. Even in K4, who wants their mom to walk them to school in a stroller? Am I right, or am I way overthinking this? I just assumed being dropped off from a stroller would be a little too babyish. So I’ll probably push Lana in the single stroller and Della will just walk with me. Fortunately the playground there is awesome, so I know she was really excited about exploring that and climbing all the new monkey bars.

I simply can’t believe (nor do i want to believe) that this beautiful little piece of my heart is not going to be mine for parts of the days anymore. Somebody better send me 18 boxes of Kleenex for that first day, because I’m sure I’ll be a mess.

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