Parenthood – Jocelyn Rau

November 15, 2023

Fall Ball Champs!

Morrison’s Minors team won the Fall Ball playoffs! I couldn’t believe it! He was on the Dodgers this fall after starting his Little League career on the Marauders in Pee Wees this spring/summer.

Minors started off so much different than Pee Wees, it was almost disheartening. Kids on the team made fun of his stuff, the coaches were far less engaged than the ones in Pee Wees were, and I was afraid it was going to turn him off from baseball completely. I came to find out this unfortunately isn’t unusual in Minors so it wasn’t just Morrison, but that’s still stupid – it’s kids’ baseball! But in typical Morrison fashion, his kind heart and sweet attitude triumphed and he did awesome. When he told me about the dumb comments, I told him how sorry I was that it happened and that generally when kids make fun of other kids, it’s because they’re actually jealous so don’t even listen to them. And that turned out to ring so true. He said he didn’t let their comments bother him, he just ignored them and focused on the game, and all he wanted was to have fun. I about cried when he said that, because that was all him. A heart of gold and spirit of pure joy this one has, and my pride is endless.

He is SUCH a natural athlete, it’s incredible. His Pee Wees coach said he was by far the most improved from the beginning of that season to the end on their team, and he just kept getting better and better this fall. His confidence was through the roof, and when his teammates realized that the new kid was ready to kick their butts, they quickly shut the F up. Go Morrison!

So that was a fun and very unexpected end to his first Fall Ball season. The playoffs were a one-day, three one-hour-games event. They won their first one and I was like oh fun, we’ll just stay up here and I’ll get him a cheeseburger for lunch from the ballpark grill (which he’d been wanting all year!), then we’ll see what happens in game #2. Then they won that one, too! By this time I saw his Pee Wees coach and told him how they were doing and he came over to cheer Morrison on during his at bat, which totally made Morrison’s day. Then they tapped a keg of local beer for all the parents, so that was awesome, too. And then they won the second game! I was giving Ryan the play-by-play the whole time, and he got too superstitious so said he’d better not come up to the park so he didn’t jinx it. But by the end of game #3, when it looked like they might actually win the thing, he hopped on his ebike and got up there as fast as he could. He arrived just in time to see them win it all! I don’t think we’ve ever seen Morrison smile so big and so hard. They got medals, they got ice cream, and his young life was made.

This kid fills my heart, and everyone who knows him can feel the happiness he carries through life. Great job, my love! We are SO proud of you and can’t wait to see the greatness that lies ahead of you on the baseball field and off.

December 31, 2019

2020 ~ The next 10…

It didn’t dawn on me until just a couple weeks ago that ringing in 2020 will not only start a new year but a whole new decade. What?! For some reason, that struck me hard. Woah, a new decade! It sounds so… big.

So then I started reflecting, something I rarely have time to do. The 2010s were pretty significant for me:

I started them at 30 years old; I’m ending them at 40.
I started them pregnant with our first child; I’m ending them with my pregnancies behind me.
We started them with 0 kids; we’re ending them with 5.
I started them having no clue what it meant to be a parent; I’m ending them as a pretty confident one.
I started them thinking having kids meant simply adding a baby to your family; I’m ending them knowing exactly how life changing having kids is. You’d better be prepared.
I started them working full time in the world of Wall St.; I’m ending them not working full time again for quite awhile, possibly ever. And definitely not in that arena; once I have the need/desire/time to go back to more time-consuming work, I will be looking for more freelance opportunities in my current editing field.
I started them putting myself first in pretty much all of my endeavors; I’m ending them knowing how to put others’ needs first constantly, namely those of 5 very small humans who live in my house. This past decade was definitely a lesson in selflessness and humility. Having kids can do that to a body.
This blog didn’t even exist in 2010; now it’s 9 years in.

So. Our family is complete. Our house is nearing completion (that’s been over a decade-long project!). We are all healthy. And I’m happy. Simple joys, but ones that are important to me.

Looking into the 2020s, I do have some feelings. And I say feelings, not goals, because that’s not how I roll. I don’t set tangible, hard goals or deadlines. I live by how things feel. It’s much easier.

I feel like getting to do some traveling with our brood. Doesn’t need to be elaborate or far, just exploring and seeing new places with the kids is fun.
I feel like getting to know our kids as growing individuals will be great. I spent the last decade, the whole of my 30s, having babies; now I’ll spend this one raising them. Hopefully I’ll do it right and they’ll be good people, assets to humanity, not a bunch of little turds.
I feel like these will be years of doing – finishing our house, enjoying where we live, watching the kids grow and thrive, living life as a big family.
I feel like getting to do some things my way, not just doing everything as governed by a baby. Or two.

2020. It sounds so futuristic, yet it’s here. The 1920s are the one era I always say I’d love to go back to if I ever got to time travel. Will the 2020s be my roaring ’20s?! Thank you, 2010s, for all you gave us. Now cheers to 2020 and the next new decade!

December 8, 2019December 8, 2019

My boy

Morrison has been my little buddy since the day he was born, but it’s shown itself even more this year since he started school. I like to think it’s because he misses me during the mornings while he’s at school, or maybe it’s because I miss him during the mornings while he’s at school.

He absolutely adores playing with the twins, which is the most heartwarming thing I could have hoped to happen when we added 2 more kids to our family at once. There has never been an ounce of jealousy from him or any feeling of isolation when attention focuses on the twins. He jumps in and tries to help in the ways he knows how. Which can sometimes be a little much when I’m just trying to get them to stop screaming, but which are usually spot on. And it’s obvious that the twins love him to the moon and back. The 3 of them chase each other around laughing uncontrollably, and no matter how crabby I may be in those moments, I can’t help but just laugh right along with them. The cuteness is overwhelming. And of course his heart swells when he plays with his big sisters, whom he adores equally as much. He’s the middle.

He has a heart of pure gold. His teachers have told me numerous times how wonderful he is at school, how sweet he is to everyone, and how good of a friend he is. He is particularly helpful with one of the special needs friends in his class, and his main teacher told me how amazing he is with this student in particular – always making sure he’s included and can get to or do whatever everyone else is doing; always helping him in their little groups; always sharing. She thanked me for raising such a great kid and said to keep doing whatever I’m doing, but that’s just it with Morrison. I’m really not doing anything – this is all him and his beautiful little spirit.

He’s one of the happiest, most cheerful kids I’ve ever known. Sure he has his meltdowns and still cries sometimes when he doesn’t get his way or his sisters aren’t letting him do whatever, but in general, he is incredibly joyful. He comes out of their room every morning with a sleepy, “Good morning, Mama,” and a hug for me. Except that one morning after a night Packers game where my daily greeting was replaced with, “Go Pack Go.” I’ll let that one slide. 😉 But he is constantly giggling, laughing, bouncing and skipping around, and his little smile is ridiculously infectious.

He loves school with his entire being. He had no hiccups starting this year whatsoever, and I think it’s because he was already so familiar with the place, having been going there literally his whole life. Now it was finally his turn to get to go in with his sisters, and he couldn’t wait. He comes bounding out the doors every day with an excitement that hasn’t wavered since the very first day in September. I get the best running hug you can even imagine.

He has an amazing knack for numbers that has developed these past couple months. Just tonight he counted to 115 for me and didn’t get one number wrong! He rattles off address numbers as we drive down the street; he loves sports (he just started tennis lessons, too), always asks if there are any games on to watch that day, then constantly updates you on the score of the games; he keeps track of the time on any clock with precision. It’s really impressive, and I’ve taken to calling him “Stats” because of it. But man, for a 4 year old, he is so good. He knows double- and triple-digit numbers, knows some addition and subtraction already, and is always surprising me with how much he knows.

This boy. Morrison John. My boy. For as much as I fully expected a third girl to come out on his birthday, I cannot imagine life without him as him. It definitely wouldn’t be as special as it is now. I love him with every single fiber of my being and feel so lucky to be his Mama.

December 4, 2018

Gobble gobble

I took the kids to Peoria with my mom for Thanksgiving this year, and it was a most excellent visit. We got to spend time with both sides of my family, which is always so much fun. The kids got to see relatives they know well and those they only see a couple times a year, and they loved playing with them all again.

Ryan didn’t have as many days off as the girls so he couldn’t join us again, but hopefully he can make it next year.

Thanksgiving has long been my favorite holiday, but now with kids, I can’t help but feel the Christmas spirit get stronger again every year. And this Thanksgiving celebration, full of laughs and the love of family, was the perfect way to kick off this most magical season of the year.

September 19, 2018September 19, 2018

Back in the saddle again

School started for the girls right after Labor Day, so we’re fully back in the school days swing. K5 for Lana and 3rd grade for Della; Lana even wore the same dress for the first day of K5 that Della did. My loves! I must admit, the first week was a little mind numbing for me. It took me all 4 of those first days to figure out exactly when I needed to get up, when I needed to wake the big 3 up for breakfast/clothes on/teeth brushed, if I had time in the mornings to make lunches or if I should do them the night before, when the babies would wake up and if they’d need to nurse again before school, what time we needed to be out the door, etc., etc., etc. See? Orchestrating 6 bodies in the morning while preserving a modicum of my sanity takes talent.

But once we made it through that first week with all the first-day morning and afternoon pictures and a couple more days to smooth out our system and schedule, I felt much better. Last week was pretty easy and harmless, and now it’s fairly smooth sailing. The girls are loving their new classes and teachers, and so am I. I’ve already had great communication with both teachers, something that’s very important to me. I like having a good relationship with their teachers, since they’re in charge of huge pieces of my heart and soul all day long.

But before we started packing the backpacks and lunchboxes again, we had a lot of fun in those long, glorious summer days. We weren’t able to make it up to Canada for a vacation this summer, so I made sure the kids got to do plenty of fun things around here to make up for it. I inflated our backyard pool and kept it filled pretty much the whole summer for the first time. It was a really hot summer this year, so that worked out well.

We went to the zoo, Bookworm Gardens, the beach to hunt for sea glass, a pool/water slide park right near our house, did the library reading program again, and the big 3 played outside with neighbor friends as much as possible. One of the neighbor girls babysat them so I could run with the twins a couple times each week, which they loved. And I let the girls each pick a camp through our rec department, which we never usually do in the summers. Della picked a week-long gymnastics camp at the high school, and Lana picked a week-long NASA-sanctioned space camp at the other elementary school. They both had an absolute blast with their respective programs, and I know they liked getting to do some new and different things.

I took the kids to Peoria for a couple days in August to see family and give the big 3 some pool time, since they’re all little water bugs. That was a great trip. Much fun was had by all, and the twins got to meet a lot of new family members.

I think I hate to see summer vacation end just as much if not more than the kids do, but I have a really good feeling about this school year. Lana was totally ready for full-day kindergarten, and her teacher has already said how good of a listener she is and how well she follows the rules. And Della loves every single thing about her class so far, and her teacher totally understood all my over-emotional messages those first couple days. Plus I’ve figured out how to transport all 5 of them when we walk and where’s the best place to park when we drive. So we’re golden. Off we go!

July 31, 2018

These days

These days are full of burp rags and 2 a.m. feedings; diaper after diaper after diaper and tiny baby snuggles.

Watching them take in this whole new world with wide, innocent, beautiful eyes. Something new to them every day, each piece filling my heart more and more.

These days are full of wiping 3-year-old buns and filling milk cups; taking breakfast and lunch orders and cleaning off hands and faces.

Figuring out when to let them try it and when to keep doing it myself. Knowing they want to learn and grow but selfishly wanting them to stay my babies forever. Trying to raise them to be good, kind, strong adults while making sure they live childhood fully.

I tell them constantly – enjoy every single day and year as a kid, because once you’re a grownup, you’re a grownup for the rest of your life. Being a kid is so much more fun!

These days are full of “Mama, watch me,” and “Mama, know what?” and “Mama, can I have that?” and “Mama,” “Mama,” “Mama.”

And I try to answer each and every one, because I know someday I’ll hear it no more.

These days are full of giving back pacifiers and rubbing tiny noses, soothing and calming just by being near.

These days are full of onesies and strollers and bikes and dolls and toys and imagination and creation and fun. Even the really, really long days. Start over in the morning, look back, and I can always see the fun. They’re kids. They do.

These days are full of laundry and messes and cleaning and laundry and messes and cleaning. But they’re mine, and I get to do them. I don’t have to wait until after work or on the weekend.

These days are full of one more kiss when I go to bed. They’re always deep in sleep and smell warm. Like these long summer days of play.

These days are rarely my own and are almost completely for these 5 incredible, magical, wonderful little faces. But that alone makes me ridiculously happy.

March 5, 2018March 6, 2018

They have arrived!

The twins are here! Well, they were here over a month ago now, but you know very well how this blog works. Something happens, I want to write all about it, then I finally get a chance to do so anywhere from 1 to 6+ months later. I hate that it works that way because I remember the days when everything I put on here was much more timely, even daily, but that just isn’t how life works around here anymore. C’est la vie.

But I can’t let another day go by without formally introducing you to our 4th and 5th (and final!!) babies, so here we go…

Since I was pregnant with twins and incredibly old to be having babies (once you hit 35 you’re considered advanced maternal age, and your pregnancy is labeled geriatric. no joke. they really know how to make a girl feel good.), my OB didn’t want me going much past 37 weeks before delivery and definitely not past 38 weeks. So we set an induction date of Wednesday, January 31. This broke the tradition of all of our children being born on Sundays, but the date did end in a 1 like the birth dates of all the others (Della = 1, Lana = 21, Morrison = 31).

It was also a good date because it was a super blue blood moon – a supermoon, a blue moon, and a total lunar eclipse all at the same time. This cool phenomenon hadn’t occurred for over 150 years before then, so I’d say that makes these little guys pretty damn special.

I was scheduled for 8:30 that morning, so my mom came up the day before to get settled in for this, I made sure the girls had rides to and from school for that day and the rest of the week just in case Ryan wasn’t able to do it, and Ryan and I headed to the hospital shortly after 8:00.

We got checked in and settled into our delivery room for the day, and things got started. And then they stopped and we waited. And waited some more. The anesthesiologist who was going to come in to do my epidural was apparently having a busy morning, and I was obviously low on the priority list, thanks a lot. He finally came in and started to set up his little table, but then he got a phone call, said he had to take it, and left the room. Wtf, dude? I looked at the nurse like what the hell is he doing, and she apologized, saying he really is not supposed to do that at all. So she went out to find him, and Ryan and I sat waiting again.

When she came back, she said she had discovered he was dealing with a family emergency that day, so ok fine, we cut him some slack. I finally got the epidural in shortly before 11:00, and thankfully that went smoothly. I never got one with the first 3 kids, because I’d heard horror stories of the needle and it getting messed up in your back. And I really enjoy being able to walk, so I didn’t want anyone screwing around with my spine. But having to deliver 2 babies in a row sounded horrible, so there was no way I was going without one this time around. The giant needle containing the numbing medication hurt like hell, but once that was done he got the catheter in and the real medicine pumping through, and I had none of the immediate side effects he warned might occur, so we were all set.

Ryan and I started watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee on his computer and just waited for the pitocin to get labor going. I’d had so many Braxton Hicks contractions in the months leading up to then that I assumed I’d be at least 2-3 cm dilated by that morning. However, when they checked me after I’d gotten all hooked up in the bed, they found I was only 1.5 cm dilated and not effaced at all, so we were basically starting from scratch with zero labor signs. Awesome. There went my hopes of getting these little guys out by early afternoon.

Things were going boringly, yet fortunately pain-free thanks to that massive needle that had been shoved in my back hours earlier, when I got uncomfortable and wanted to shift positions. I was afraid of knocking the catheter out of place in my back, so the nurse helped me roll more to my right side and sit up just a little. Then I started to feel kind of funny, then really bad, then things took a turn for the worse. My blood pressure plummeted to 50/29, my heart rate dropped sharply, one of the babies’ heart rates dropped too, and I passed out and started throwing up the juice the nurse had given me at first to try to bring my blood sugar up. Ryan said my eyes rolled back and my legs jerked out straight, so he thought I was having a seizure. It wasn’t, it was the blood pressure drop that was a bad reaction to the epidural, but the nurse hit the OB team button, a bunch of people came rushing in, the new anesthesiologist jammed a needle full of something into my IV bag, and I came right back. As soon as I opened my eyes, I felt a million times better and found out what happened. To me, it just felt like I needed to go to sleep and closed my eyes. I missed all the action.

So I stayed lying down for the rest of the day, and we continued our waiting game and show watching. They broke my water mid-afternoon, let’s say around 2:00, and then I expected things to really pick up as they had with the other 3. Nope. More waiting. I finally started to feel some real discomfort and almost pain a couple hours later, after watching some contractions go off the chart and not feeling a thing. I really didn’t believe the epidural was truly going to work until I realized those mountains on the printout were massive contractions and I had felt nothing the entire time. So anyway, when I told the nurse I was feeling a lot of pressure and kind of some pain, she checked me and it was time for babies! Wahoo, finally! But holy shit did I get scared then.

They had to wheel me into the operating room, and my heart rate was probably through the roof. I was so nervous! Yes, I’d given birth before and all went smoothly, but this was a whole new ballgame. Two at once?? Plus after the bad reaction I’d had earlier in the day I really had no idea what was about to happen. We had to be in the operating room because with twins, the NICU team is automatically in there to immediately take care of the babies when they come out, just in case. Plus there was my OB, the med student (resident? whatever he was called), the anesthesiologist to monitor the epidural and turn it off as soon as I was done, and all the nurses (thank god for those nurses! they are saints). So they covered my hair, made Ryan get in his bunny suit/hair cover/and booties, and we set off down the hallway.

When we got into the OR they made me shift from the bed I’d been in all day to a tiny, hard slab of a bed that I swear was about an inch wide, and I knew that was going to be a bad idea. My hands had gotten so swollen and painful from the carpal tunnel and all the fluid they pumped into me by the end of the day that I was practically in tears by the time of delivery because they hurt so badly. Both Ryan and our main nurse took turns trying to massage them and applying heat packs. So my hands were inflamed and useless, yet they wanted me to push myself up and over onto this other bed. Not a chance. So I had to alternate wriggling my lower half and hauling my upper half with my elbows to move myself, which made my stomach churn into knots. Wonderful. By the time I was fully on the miniature OR table, I was ready to throw up again. And again and again and again. That was miserable. I was afraid I’d be barfing and pushing out a baby at the same time. Disgusting.

Poor Ryan got the glamorous job of holding my puke pan, and his services were needed again when they made me move down to the end of the OR bed. Why didn’t you just make me go there in the first place? But I got that all out of my system before it was time to push, thank heavens. Since I couldn’t feel any of the contractions whatsoever, I told them they were going to have to tell me when to push and get these little ones moving. So they did. And after just a couple rounds, Baby A came screaming into the world. He was Nat Jennings Rau, born at 5:02 pm, weighing 6 lbs. 3.5 oz. and measuring 18″ long.

10 minutes and a few more pushes later, Baby B made his appearance. He was born sunny-side up and, as such, swallowed a bunch of amniotic fluid on his way out, so it took a minute to get him going and crying when he came out. But once they made sure he was ok, we met Avit Jerome Rau, born at 5:12 pm, weighing 6 lbs. 0 oz. and measuring 19″ long.

Perfection.

A very happy, relieved ending to what for me was a long, painful, fear-inducing journey. I was elated to be done being pregnant, since this one caused me the most pain and discomfort by far. The heartburn was more severe, the carpal tunnel pain was excruciating, and the 48-pound weight gain was about a dozen pounds more than I’d gained with any of the other 3. It was the first time I actually could not see parts of my body, putting on and taking off socks was a nightmarish circus act, and every physical act made me feel like I was about 120 years old. Plus the absolute unknown of birthing and raising twins shadowed the entire pregnancy for me, so much more so than any excitement of getting to meet 2 more brand new little people. But once they were in my arms, I was thrilled to welcome them into our family. I still can’t believe we brought 2 babies home this time!

(i cannot get that picture of Ryan rotated correctly to save my life, so sorry)

So there it is. The final birth story for this family. Of 7. What?!?! That still sounds unreal, and I’m sure it will for a long time. Never ever ever did I envision having 5 children, nor did I ever want to have 5 children. But now that we do, it is pretty amazing to say that my body carried and birthed 5 beautiful, healthy babies, all of whom are currently thriving and happy.

The big siblings came to the hospital to meet the babies on Thursday after Della got done with school, and they were all instantly in love. Actually, they were more interested in playing in the big hospital room that I got for my recovery stay and getting food, but you know, they still love the twins.

(can’t get Nigh-Night rotated either, dumb blog)

We went home mid-day on Friday, after both the twins and I cleared all our checks for discharge. My mom stayed with us through that weekend, then Ryan had 2 weeks off work, which was amazing. We all got to take naps every day, and I was able to sleep in until just before the girls got off to school, so that extra sleep that I didn’t have in the early days with the other kids was a lifesaver. Then my mom came back up for a week after Ryan went back to work, yet another lifesaver. Friends and neighbors have also been massive helps, bringing meals and giving the girls rides to and from school. Simply not having to leave the house with all these children has been a tremendous sanity saver for me. The twins still have no morning schedule to speak of and nights continue to be iffy, so if I had to try to get all 6 of us ready to get out the door by 7:45 each school morning, I’d probably be out of my mind by now.

Yes, it’s hard work with the countless diaper changes daily and feeling like I spend fully half my time stuck under a feeding infant or 2, plus taking care of 3 other kids, one of whom is in the thick of potty training right now. And yes, I’m exhausted. But I’m really, truly happy. I thought having twins would be the worst thing to happen to our family, but I could not have been more wrong. These spectacular little faces make it all worth it.