These days

These days are filled with the voices of 3 tiny humans. Some days contain more shouting than others, but all are full of love.

These days are filled with tiny hands and feet and faces.

These days are filled with wiping those tiny hands and butts and noses, hopefully not at the same time.

These days are filled with peals of laughter and screams of upset, sometimes simultaneously, and not always from those 3 tiny humans.

These days are filled with the goodnight hugs, kisses, wishes and dreams, breakfast orders, one-more-drink-of-waters, one-more-rub-my-backs, and can-you-start-the-music-over-one-more-times that seem to take 18 times longer than the bedtimes themselves.

These days are filled with cutting food into tiny pieces.

These days are filled with many ridiculous kid-friendly words to mask the adult words that really want to come out of my mouth sometimes.

These days are filled with the almost magician-like ability to know where each and every piece of clothing for all 3 children is so that one can be pulled out at a moment’s notice when pee, poop, food, grass stains, mud, or some other such substance destroys the original article of clothing from any given day.

These days are filled with an amazing display of coordination and logistics – making sure everyone is up in time, fed, dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, one lunch packed, one backpack readied, socks and shoes and coats on, gone to the bathroom, diaper changed once if not twice, and smaller kid and baby loaded into the stroller in the mornings to be ready to walk the bigger kid to school; repeating said process with the smaller kid and baby 7 hours later to pick the bigger kid up from school; taking the bigger and smaller kids to swim lessons once a week; making sure the baby gets the appropriate amount of formula in his bottles every day, since these are the last weeks of formula for him before switching to whole milk; making sure that same baby also gets a wide enough variety of real food to keep him full after meals without offering him things that immediately end up on the floor; ensuring the bigger and smaller kids get outside as often as possible when the weather is nice so they don’t make me run screaming, I mean so they get some exercise in play; making sure all 3 are pj’d, teeth brushed, peed and diaper changed, bottle given, and in bed on time; and generally ensuring the health, happiness, safety, and security of 3 tiny humans.

These days are filled with tiny footsteps at 2:45 a.m. when the music has stopped and needs to be restarted.

These days are filled with lifting the smaller kid up to the kitchen sink to wash hands after going to the bathroom because, for some reason, she prefers that sink to the one that is 6 inches from the toilet in the bathroom and has a stool right underneath it for small kids to climb up and wash their own hands.

These days are filled with baby cries and snuffles in the middle of the night to find that magical pacifier that sends him instantly back into the land of nod.

These days are filled with a tiny head peeking over the side of a crib at me in the morning, bouncing up and down, eager to start his day with me.

These days are filled with races between the bigger kid and smaller kid from the kitchen to the living room and back, since to them that seems like a mile.

These days are filled with 2-wheeled bikes for the bigger kid, scooters and training wheels for the smaller kid, and strollers for the baby.

These days are filled with grabbing the baby’s hands out of the garbage can, away from the bigger and smaller kids’ art stand, out of the cabinets in the kitchen, off the nightlight in the hallway, away from outlets, away from Daddy’s stuff, and preventing him from falling into the laundry hole (for it literally is a hole, not a chute).

These days are filled with “Mama.” “Mama?” “Mama!”

These days are filled with load after load after load after load of never-ending laundry.

These days are filled with snacks and bottles and sippy cups.

These days are filled with picking up endless numbers of toys endless times every day. Why do we have so many toys? My no-toy rule has somehow been completely ignored for the past 5 years.

These days are filled with kisses for bumps, bruises, and scrapes.

These days are filled with preventing arguments, reminding of manners, teaching responsibility, showing compassion, trying to teach right from wrong, teaching kindness and inclusion, showing how to make good decisions, ingraining the importance of respect, instilling self-confidence and a strong sense of being loved and belonging, teaching that everyone has a story and is important, and daily trying my damnedest to be the Mama they deserve and to not raise little assholes.

These days are filled with tiny eye rubs when the Sandman is near.

These days are filled with burp rag-covered shoulders and baby snuggles.

These days are filled with a complete, purposeful, and pretty much blissful ignorance of basically anything outside my 4 walls and 3 tiny humans, especially politics. Wait, it’s an election year??

These days are filled with pb&j, hot dogs, grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese, and chicken nuggets. You know, my favorite foods.

These days are filled with a ferocity of love that I never dreamed possible before having these 3 tiny humans.

These days are theirs, and I try to be as present as is humanly possible for every single one.

These days are mine, and they are finite, so I cherish every single one.

For those 3 tiny humans? They are mine. And they make me so, so very happy.

 

TEN!

10 years, 3 incredible children, 1 wonderful decade of marriage.

Then…

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…and now (of course we have no recent pictures of just the 2 of us).

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Wait, I found one! This is a late edit to the entry, as this picture was taken at my mom’s house the day after our anniversary, right before we went out for our fun celebration in downtown Chicago.

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Reprieve

It’s been a long time since I posted about me. I still want to get a “life with 3” post up here soon, but that’s not this one.

I just want to write about how incredibly thrilled I am that this December is, so far, turning out to feel nothing like December. I do love a white Christmas and all, but that’s about all the winter I want anymore. And the bitter, below-zero cold I can do without all together.

The worst part for me, though, is the darkness. I hate, nay, despise, loathe the dark winter days that creep in. This started the year Lana was born. Having a hard, fussy newborn in those shortening, cold dark days was miserable. I think it gave me late-onset seasonal affective disorder. For real. It’s dark when we wake, it’s dark well before dinner, and if it’s cloudy, forget it – it’s dark all damn day.

But this season has felt so great! I know for sure it has to do with our weather being so mild this late on the calendar. I’m still walking Della to school, which I know stopped long before this point last year. Granted I was pregnant and feeling awful in the first trimester, so that had much to do with it, but still. I’m not even minding the darkness at all this year. Or the fact that Morrison is the world’s worst night sleeper and I’m turning into a total zombie. But that’s a whole other story…

And the best part? There are only 10 more days until they start getting longer again! MORE LIGHT!!! I love it. I think my SAD has been skipped for this year. Thank god.

Almost 4 no more

Seeing as #3 could easily arrive any day now, I wanted to get at least 1 non-pregnancy-update post down before that happens.

Knowing our third child might be here momentarily, I’ve been trying to savor these last few days with just the 2 girls as much as possible. Watching each of them as they play and do whatever it is they’re doing alone. Usually that’s Lana setting up tiny tea parties and Della coloring. I’m just soaking up their respective essences even more so than usual as much as I can.

Today we spent the afternoon and evening across the street at our neighbors’ house for a little Memorial Day BBQ, so the girls didn’t have naps. Of course this is no big deal for D, but poor L was exhausted by about 6. She had a little meltdown at the end of our stay, which prompted our departure. I knew she was just beyond tired and there was nothing we could do about it, so as soon as we got home I got her in pj’s, brushed teeth, got her diaper on, and got her ready for bed. All the while with her screaming hysterically at me for no reason whatsoever other than that’s all she knew how to do at that point.

I darkened their room, turned the music and nightlights on, and sat down with her to rock. Within minutes her frantic thumb sucking slowed, her mile-long eyelashes were down permanently, her breathing slowed, and she even let out a couple little sleep squeaks that assured me she was out cold. I knew that was all it would take, but I kept rocking anyway.

I smelled her hair, watched her beautiful little face, cradled her tiny body, and loved every second. I don’t rock the girls often anymore, but I knew this one was special. It’s beyond rare that she’s tired enough to ever fall asleep in my lap, let alone while she’s still the baby. Della even came in at one point and asked why we were rocking so long. Finally, after about 10 minutes, I stood up and laid her gently in bed, tucking her in and giving those sweet baby cheeks a kiss.

Then I came out and colored with Della in her Hello Kitty coloring book. It’s been her favorite lately, and every night she’s a coloring machine. It’s one of those color wonder books where the markers are essentially clear and only show up on that particular paper, which I absolutely love. I don’t have to worry about it getting all over her or her clothes or the couch or the floor. So we took turns coloring a couple pictures, and I just loved watching her enchanted by the pages. She’s such a smart and wonderful kid, it warms my heart to be with her. I sometimes feel like I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with her, so I adore that she wants me to color with her these nights. I watched her concentrate and played with her pigtails, curly from all her playing today.

After coloring, she read a couple books with Ryan, another one of her favorite activities. She is getting so good at reading, it amazes me. When I put her to bed I didn’t mind at all giving her the extra back rubs and resting leg pats I do that she requested. Her yawns and sleepy eyes told me that she is probably well on her way to the land of nod already. I’ll go in and give them both one more tuck in and kiss before I go to bed. I still find nothing better than watching my beautiful children sleep. Ever since day 1.

With the impending arrival of #3, I am much less worried about “sharing” my love than I was when Lana was about to be born. I now know that the love in my heart for my children automatically increases exponentially as soon as they are born, so any fear that I couldn’t possibly love another as much as who we already have is completely unfounded. That hasn’t even been a thought in my mind this time around. In fact, I’m actually excited to see just how much I can love all 3 at once. And I know watching the girls with their little brother or sister is going to be magical. So in that respect, there’s a level of calm surrounding this coming birth that is nice.

I have made no bones about the fact that I would love to have another girl this time around, which is one thing I never said with the first 2. When we started having kids I always wanted a little girl, but as long as they were healthy, that’s all that mattered to me. But now that we have 2 incredible little girls, a third would just be so easy – we have all the girl clothes and the girl stuff and I know little girls. I know nothing about raising little boys. And I’m fearful that I’d be a terrible little boy mom, because I hear they’re constant balls of energy and movement and we all know I tend to be lazy. I mean less energetic than is probably necessary for a little boy at this point. Right.

So since that is out there in the universe, I’m sure #3 will be a boy. Who I will of course love from the start and make everything I just said sound utterly ridiculous. But that’s what babies do – turn your world upside down and prove just how much you can love. And quite often prove you entirely wrong when you’re just starting to think you know what you’re talking about and doing.

I think that’s about it. All the thoughts I’ve had running around in my head that I wanted to get down before #3 is here. Because once he/she is, my time on these pages I’m sure will be even more limited than it is now. But things here are in pretty good shape for baby’s arrival, too. The girls’ swing set is sanded, stained, and in place; this week I cleaned the entire house in preparation; this morning I cleaned up part of the garage, got the infant car seat adapter hooked onto the stroller, and steamed the floors; so now we’re just waiting. We do still need to pick names, but I’m sure we’ll get that done.

We’re almost 4 no more. And I pray that we thrive as a family of 5.

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Blessed, with worries

Notice I didn’t title this “Blessed with worries.” Because I’m not just one big ball of worries all the time. That wouldn’t be a blessing. That sounds downright miserable. However, I do have worries, even though I feel like my life is very blessed.

 

Blessings:

I have the most incredible opportunity to stay home with our children right now. Of course it didn’t happen how I ever expected it to, but it has been the greatest blessing imaginable.

I have a beautiful family, 2 members of which just so happen to be the most amazing, wonderful little girls I know.

We are healthy.

We have a good roof over our heads and food on our table. That roof is located in one of the best parts of the state, so we’re doubly blessed.

We are lucky enough to live a pretty comfortable life on really 1 income right now.

 

Worries:

My perfect, dream job income stream from earlier this year is gone, and I have no idea how I’m going to replace it for next year.

Everything I saved up from said job is also gone, thankfully paying some of our biggest bills for the year, but it’s still done. Fortunately we have a solid chunk in savings, but burning through that because I don’t have any readily available cash flow is the last thing I want to do. We’re going to have to use some of it for a little while, but hopefully that will end much sooner than later.

I don’t want to have to go back to full-time work already.

We have a couple looming house projects that will be major. How we are going to finance them is my main concern.

 

So I guess my real question is, who has the winning lottery numbers for me?

 

 

The blink of an eye

That’s seemingly how long it took us to get here…

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Della started K4 on Tuesday, and I still can’t believe it’s really happened. Each year as the girls age, I say it doesn’t seem as if time has completely flown by to get to that point. I feel like it really has been just over 4 years that we’ve known Della and almost 2 that we’ve known Lana.

And I don’t mean that in a bad, oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-take-another-day-with-these-two way. I mean that in the absolute best way possible – that even though time in general feels as if it flies by most of the time, my days with these girls haven’t felt so. This time has felt just right, something for which I am grateful.

But this whole school thing? Hoo boy, has it crept up on me something fierce.

Not once in her lifetime until just recently, and especially not even when I started staying home with Della and then both once Lana was born, did I realize that their school years were going to approach so quickly. It felt like we had eternity to be together at home, on our own schedule, doing whatever we wanted and whatever the days allowed.

Why, I have no idea, because all along I’ve fully known at what age kids go to school. And around here I’ve always known that K4 is included in our school system, so our kids would naturally be going to it.

But here we are. Back to school.

And I don’t really like it.

Yet.

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I know this will be a wonderful experience for her and for all of us, but it’s just going to take me some time to get there mentally.

I will admit, having these first 2 half days under our belts does make me feel a little better. Like ok, we really can do this. But tomorrow is her first full 3-hour day, so I have to get us up, ready, and out the door to be at school before 8:15. Good luck.

And I did meet some new parents today who seem really nice and easy to get along with, so that made me infinitely more at ease about this whole 14-year process. Yes, 14 years. That’s how long she will be in the public school system now. Class of 2028, anyone? I about die every time I hear that.

There was 1 thing, though, that did make my heart soar when I heard it. Today as we were walking home, Della said, “I love going to school.”

And exhale.

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