Tag: Lessons

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Mean girl

How do I prevent D from becoming one?

There is nothing I hate more than girls of any age, really, whose main goal in life is to form cliques, be the top dog of those cliques, and subsequently make life a living hell for anyone not in with them.

You know exactly who I mean. We all experienced them in school or even outside of school in life at some point, I’m sure. I know I did. And I was never the top dog. Nor was I ever really in, either. And when I think back and am perfectly honest, it sucked.

I don’t think I was ever the direct target of any cliques’ disdain or fun-making, but I was never really invited into a lot of stuff either. I don’t mean invited to join in torturing other non-clique members (even though i wasn’t), but just in general.

Sure I had a good group of friends all through school, but I was never one of the *cool* kids or the popular girl that everyone wanted to befriend. And up until pretty much my senior year in high school, I was really, really shy.

Me, initiate a plan with friends or an idea for something to do with others? Not a chance.

Hence, I spent most weekend nights just hanging out at home rather than out at parties like a lot of people in my class. (in my defense, though, i actually did like spending time with my family. maybe it was because i felt most safe and comfortable there, or maybe it was because my group of friends just weren’t the big partiers, but i didn’t mind staying home on those weekend nights one bit.)

Throughout grade school, and pretty much all of high school, too, I always felt like I didn’t quite fit in with everyone else. I’ve never been able to figure out why that was, either.

Maybe because I had such a weird last name that no one could pronounce (Picl – take your best shot, but i’m sure you’ll get it wrong. teachers taking attendance became the bane of my existence).

Or maybe because I was always one of the “smart” kids.

I think my shyness definitely played a big part, too. In a group of people or unfamiliar situation I would never go talk to someone I didn’t know or who I thought I wasn’t “friends” with, I would just stand by myself if my friends weren’t around and try to blend into the walls or background.

Finally by the end of my junior year and into my senior year of high school, I was much more confident in myself and stopped being so hung up on everyone else’s perceptions. So what if they didn’t like me? Not everyone has to. I liked me. And so what if I didn’t know someone that well? I could still say hi to them in the halls instead of averting my eyes and pretending I didn’t see them.

I made a lot more friends in my class (well, ok, acquaintances anyway) and actually had some fun. I was valedictorian of my high school class and athlete of the year, which was an unbelievably huge honor for me, since I never considered myself an athlete either. I was just a swimmer. But senior year I single-handedly outscored our entire football team at the State level. Now there’s a confidence-booster if there ever was one.

I was still beyond ready to get out of both high school and Peoria by the end, though, but at least the days became a little more bearable. “Glory days” high school definitely was not, for me.

But enough of my therapy session. Back to the matter at hand, which is making sure D doesn’t turn into one of those clique-forming, classmate-heckling mean girls.

Unfortunately I did tease kids in my classes from time to time when I was younger, like in grade school. And I am sorry for that. Why is it that everyone always picks on the fat kid? But I was also teased sometimes, and I didn’t like it. It hurt my feelings. Too bad I never turned that around in my head to see that’s how the kids I teased felt, too.

I guess it just worries me now more than ever, as a parent, how judgmental kids can be of those who are different from them. And why do so many parents not instill the value of acceptance and tolerance in their children?

My parents never really said much about it not being right to make fun of people (even though i didn’t really make it a habit. remember the wallflower? she usually came out to play more often than any sort of teaser), but that is one of the main things I am determined to teach D – don’t be mean to someone just because they don’t look or act just like you do.

I want her to learn that everyone has a story, everyone has feelings that can get hurt just like hers, and just because you think someone is “different” doesn’t mean they don’t get a chance too. I don’t want her to be a pushover, by any means, but I just want her to know how to treat others with respect. All the bullying stories that are out there now make my stomach turn, and it’s something of which I never want D to be a part.

I guess on the flip side, how do I teach her to handle a situation if she is on the unfortunate receiving end of teasing?

That one’s harder, and I’m really not sure.

Of course my wish is that she becomes a nice, funny, friendly girl who no one wants to make fun of, but I would hope that if she is she would be confident enough not to let it bother her too much. Or, something that I would never have dreamed of doing when I was little, be able to tell the person who’s teasing her that she doesn’t appreciate it and to knock it off.

Obviously confidence isn’t something she’ll really know for years, but I think you know what I’m saying. I just want to be a good enough mom to raise a strong, self-confident daughter, not a mean girl.

I just found this paragraph from a woman’s tribute to her father, and although it came from a completely different scenario than that of which I’m speaking here, this is exactly what I want to teach D:

“My dad taught me so many, many things, and the most important of them were things he taught me by example.  He taught me to be considerate, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to not be judgmental, and to be patient.  He taught me that honesty is best, even when it’s the more difficult choice, and he taught me to treat everyone with respect.”

 

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Backlash

So the “Where’s Bernie?” promotion turned into a huge fiasco yesterday, escalating even more after I posted my little rant about it. It turns out the girl who swiped ~35 of the “stach”-ues from the big lakefront location posted braggart pictures of them all jammed in her trunk on Twitter and Facebook. Then she had the gall to complain that she didn’t get any that had a prize attached!! (the 400 scattered around in the other parks were the ones that had prizes attached. the 1,000 lakefront ones did not) Seriously, the greed on display yesterday was incredible and pretty sickening, what with her and others taking as many Bernies as they could get their grubby hands on just to turn around and try to sell them on eBay for hundreds of dollars. This girl became Milwaukee’s most hated person by 7:30 yesterday morning. I kept reading the comments people were posting about her on Twitter and in response to numerous articles on the debacle that cropped up throughout the day, and it honestly sounded like a lynch mob was going to form to hunt her down.

Now here’s where it got a little out of control. Someone published both her home address and her phone number on Twitter. What?? Sure what she did was shitty and helped ruin the fun for the rest of us, but publicizing her private information? That’s too far. She had to delete her Twitter account and lock down her Facebook page, I’m sure because of all the hate traffic she was getting. Now she has to worry about people storming her house to harass her in person or leaving her steaming voicemails? Wow.

This whole episode presented an interesting study in human behavior. On one end of the spectrum were those of us who followed the rules, played fair, and lost, and on the other end were those who disobeyed the rules, cheated, and won. And then of course there were the resultant angry masses of fair-players releasing their disdain for all of the cheaters through any social media outlet they could find. Throughout the hatefest that ensued once everyone realized people had cheated and gone early to grab the Bernies, I couldn’t help but wonder – if I had gotten there early and seen everyone taking the stach-ues before the designated time, would I have joined in and taken one while I had the opportunity too, or would I have waited until the start time like we had been instructed and watched as my chances of getting anything vanished before my eyes? As much as I wholeheartedly wanted to say I would absolutely 100% have waited like we were supposed to, there was a tiny piece of me that kept thinking, but man, it would have been nice to have a Bernie if I’d had the chance.

And then I got really frustrated with myself for thinking that way. Here I was, joining right in on the bashing of those who disregarded the rules and got the prize at the expense of the rest of us, yet maybe I would have been one of those being bashed if I’d just gotten to the park half an hour earlier. I’d like to think that the simple fact that we did not arrive at the park any earlier than a few minutes before 7:00 yesterday morning, fully expecting to see a lawn full of Bernies waiting for us, proves that I really was one of the fair-players. But what if we’d gotten ready that much faster, dropped D off at daycare 10 minutes earlier or even taken her after we’d gone to the park, and gotten down to the lakefront in time to see the Brewers van guy handing out Bernies to anyone who was already there? Hmm, what if?? Would we really have been able to say nope, we’re waiting until 7:00 like the rules state? Unfortunately, I can’t with a clear conscience say that answer would definitely have been yes. That 18″ tall plastic lawn ornament statue may have just been too damn tempting for the fair-player in me to resist.

This episode has proven to me, however, that I really do want to be a fair-player. Sure I may lose out on stuff sometimes like we did yesterday with the Bernies, but I want to be able to teach D by example. You know, the whole actions speak louder than words thing. And I certainly don’t want her growing up believing the notion that nice guys (or girls!) always finish last and the only way to get what you want in life is to knock others down and out of the way. Yes, she will have to fight for what she believes and wants sometimes, but I want her to learn that can be done without cheating others. Integrity is something I want to instill in her, not greed. (wow has this kid changed me or what? a year ago i probably would’ve said you can take that fair-player stuff and shove it. i want a bernie!)

So I apologize for hating you yesterday, Ms. McHardie (the Bernie hoarder). What you did was not fair or right, and I hope you realize that now (hopefully without too many eggs or too much tp on your house). You and all the other cheaters ruined a really fun event for the rest of us, incensed entire legions of Brewers fans, and received national coverage of your shenanigans. But having your privacy invaded wasn’t fair either – they were just lawn ornaments, after all. I guess my point here is that through all of this I hope both you and I learn to always be fair-players. (and if you don’t, then i at least hope people saw through your eBay greed and you got zero profits from your Bernie haul yesterday. suck it! i can play fair, but that doesn’t mean i have to like you! 😉 )