Tag: Just b/c

Just because I want to

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Exhale

Christmas tree

Here I sit at 9:30 on a Thursday night. Folding the last of the day’s laundry by the light of the Christmas tree, Lana drifting off to sleep on the couch beside me. Her snuffles and grunts on the pacifier are slowly becoming quieter the closer she gets to the night’s slumber. Not that folding laundry is a particularly sentimental activity, it just happened to be what I was doing when the mood to type struck. I don’t mind it either. I’d much rather be folding laundry than ironing. Bleh. And have you ever folded size 2T/3T underwear? The fact that they even make butts that tiny is hysterical enough to make the activity almost enjoyable.

Della has just gone to bed and fortunately didn’t pull another round of crying as soon as I shut the door. That’s been her trick lately. Well, that and throwing a crying/whining fit before bed to try and avoid it all together. “Me sit Mama baby.” No, you already sat with Mama and Baby Lana. “Me sit Dada.” (increasingly whiny and teary) No, you already sat with Dada. “Me watch Do-do” (a.k.a Dora) Hell no, child. It’s bedtime.

I did just hear a thunk against the wall, though, which usually means she’s out and has rolled over to knock one of her million stuffed toys into the wall next to her bed. It’s probably the light-up ladybug that projects stars and the moon onto the ceiling and walls, which is her new favorite. A gift from one of Ryan’s cousins for Lana actually, but D has commandeered it until L needs it. Which, my guess is, will be never, or at least until D gives it up willingly. So, never.

This has been a week for the record books around here. All 4 of us have been simultaneously sick. Urg. It started last weekend, when both Ryan and I felt the early twinges of sore throats and headaches. Fortunately mine progressed from there, as it usually does, into just a full-blown head cold. Unfortunately Ryan and D bore the brunt. Ryan has been home sick the past 2 days, which I think is a record for him, with fever, aches, chills/sweats, all over nasty. D barfed Monday and yesterday, but now seems to be on the mend with just the remnants of a runny nose left so far. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, however. L has gotten super congested again, but thankfully I think that is the extent of her cold. I hate when infants get sick, because what can you really do for them?

So we are anxiously awaiting the return of health within our walls. Needless to say moods will be improved all around when it comes. Not that we’ve been mean to each other, but being in the throes of the flu doesn’t really lend itself to robust conversation. Grunts and phrases have been our main modes of communication this week. Fortunately Ryan was feeling better today than yesterday and was able to help me take care of the tinies, but he’s still struggling and going to bed well before either of their bedtimes. So it again falls to me to get them ready and asleep, then finish up everything I need to do around the house. At least I was able to eat dinner before 10:00 tonight.

I do still need to clean up the kitchen. I actually cooked dinner tonight! It was a slow cooker beef bourguignon over egg noodles, which I thought was pretty good. Ryan said it was bland, but whatever. See, moods need to improve soon.

Right now, though, I think I’ll get L into her crib. Before she was born, I read a very helpful newborn trick for cold weather babies – put a heating pad in their crib to warm it up before you lay them down (remove it when they go in there, obviously), and they won’t be awakened so much by their head hitting a cold sheet. So far it’s worked wonders for L. She almost never wakes when I put her in there at bedtime or after her nightly feedings. And fortunately she doesn’t need this pacifier anymore once she’s asleep. She does get a little frantic looking for it when it falls out before she’s totally out, but once the eyelids have drooped for the last time she doesn’t need it to stay asleep or need it put back in if she wakes in the night. Hallelujah. That was one game I was completely unwilling to play – find and replace the pacifier. No way.

I know I should go to bed immediately once the kids are asleep, but these night time hours when I have the house to myself (who am i kidding – i mean the tv to myself) and everyone else is quiet are when I can get “me” stuff done – work on L’s baby book, clean up whatever messes have been left from the day, eat if I haven’t gotten around to it at regular meal times during the day (which is almost always these days), breathe. They help remind me that these peaceful times far outweigh the bad ones in this crazy, exhilarating, frightening, amazing thing we call parenthood. They help remind me why we are not one of the species who eats their young, but rather one who loves and embraces the next generation we have bred. For these tinies right here are going to grow up to be wonders. Our wonders.

See, just look at that face. A precious person in the making…

L

 

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Bad day

I feel like a complete and utter failure. It’s mid-day and I’ve yelled at Della more than once. I’ve put her in bed with no lunch because she refused to do the simplest of tasks and repeatedly screamed “No!” in my face. That obviously didn’t work as she screamed and flailed at me even more, so she finally got her lunch another half hour later after doing what I’d asked her long before. Then she started screaming again as I cleaned her up after lunch when I told her she couldn’t watch tv but had to take her nap. Why? Why so awful?

Lana has been piercing my eardrums with her siren wail all morning. And her simultaneous poopsplosion and 4 wave tsunami barf added one more bath to the to-do list today.

The fact that I still have to unload the dishwasher, finish up the two loads of laundry waiting downstairs, bake, go to the grocery store, and wrap presents does not add to my overall demeanor either. Why? What is it about today that needed to be so bad?

I feel ashamed and unhappy. I hate raising my voice and being mad at my children; that’s not right. But I guess almost 7 weeks with 2 of them was my breaking point. And just when I thought things were going so well and I’d gotten the hang of this motherhood thing.

 

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Through your eyes

Through your eyes it is simply incredible to see

Just how amazing and wondrous this big world can be.

Through your eyes it’s all new, it’s fun, and you grow every day;

From the things that you do to the words that you say.

You’re a big sister, my helper, and a wonderful kid;

Certainly one of the best things your dad and I ever did.

Through your eyes in this season, the holiday time of year,

The magic all comes alive with Santa and his reindeer.

You light up at their mention and you squeal, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

There’s no end to the places with your beautiful mind you can go.

Through your eyes the world is fine and happy and bright,

And my heart swells when I watch your sparkle and light.

You watch and you try and you learn and you play,

And I burst with pride as I see you finding your way.

Through your eyes I can see it all happen again;

This journey of life on which I have been.

There is so much out there for you to see and do,

And along the way I hope you’ll be as proud of me as I already am of you.

Through your eyes I’m your mama and your guiding light.

I hope and I pray that I do this all right.

You’re my heart and my soul; you mean the world to me.

Through your eyes I hope you always see the good, my sweet Della Jolee.

 

 

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Looking back

I meant to write this post before Lana was born while I was still pregnant, but, oops.

I basically just wanted to take a minute to look back on this pregnancy and remind myself how it compared to my first one:

  • Symptoms were a little different, appeared sooner, and seemed to be more pronounced.
    • I really had no morning sickness with Della, whereas this time I was plagued for a good 2 months. Fortunately I only barfed 1 night (all night long, ugh), but that horrible nausea stayed with me for a solid 8 weeks, from about week 6 to week 14-15.
    • I did get sick during the early weeks of both pregnancies. With D I got just a really bad cold with a cough that wouldn’t quit. This time I again got what I thought was a horrible cold/cough combo, but it turned out to be an upper respiratory infection. Then the penicillin they put me on exacerbated the nausea. Hoo boy, that was fun.
    • My sensitivity to certain scents wasn’t nearly as severe this time as it was with D. There are honestly some things that I smelled during my 1st pregnancy that made my stomach turn so terribly that I still can’t stand smelling them to this day. I experienced a little of that this time around, but not nearly as badly as with D.
    • My sacro-iliac joint pain cropped up early on in this pregnancy with a vengeance, while I really only remember being bothered by it during my 3rd trimester with D.
    • I had that horrible carpal tunnel syndrome this time, mainly in the last 2 months, where I never had it with D. I do think it helped prepare me for this newborn stage again, though, since I was pretty much used to not sleeping by the time L was born.
    • All the other all over aches and pains just seemed a little worse this time – I felt more tired by the end, my body felt more sore by the end, etc.
  • My 2nd trimesters were almost identical, though. Felt great, pains weren’t too terrible yet, decent energy, plus it was summer so we were out and about a lot just enjoying the days and nights.
  • My weight gain seemed different this time, too. I gained 33 lbs. with D, and I gained 36 lbs. with L. In looking back at the pictures, I think I gained it more all over with D, whereas this time it seemed to really go mainly to my belly. My face, arms, and butt all looked much fuller/bigger when I was pregnant the first time than they did this time. Why, I have no idea, especially since I gained a couple more pounds this time.
  • I didn’t focus nearly as much this time on “being pregnant” as I did with D. That’s due to the obvious fact that we had a toddler to focus on, so pregnancy wasn’t as new, unknown, and front and center as it was the first time. That’s not saying we didn’t care that I was pregnant this time, it just didn’t seem to have the “wow factor” that it did with D. Yes, I did the weekly pictures, kept track of milestones, stuff like that, but most of the time I was just focused on normal daily life with Ryan and D. Plus losing my job and transitioning to being home was in there this time too, so I think I just had a lot more on my mind period.
  • I was able to exercise almost the entire pregnancy this time, whereas last time I was put on a no exercise restriction for 6 weeks around 4 months in, then never really picked back up after that was over. This time I think I did my last workout at the gym with my trainer around 36.5 weeks pregnant. I really think it helped me with recovery, just having that little bit of exercise each week to keep my body moving.
  • I don’t think we were nearly as anxious about having a baby this time as we were last time. I remember before D was born I had all the nursery stuff set up super early, baby clothes that we had washed and in the drawers, all the extras in place and ready to go, stuff printed out from the online birthing class I did to get ready for labor, all this extra crap that we never even touched in the hospital bag, etc. This time we were obviously nervous about just the whole unknown of when labor was going to happen and how it was going to be adding another little person to our family, but the day-to-day stuff was a no brainer. Nursery furniture? It’s pretty much all there and the same stuff, we just moved the crib into our room when we got D a big bed. Baby clothes? No sweat – I brought what newborn and gender neutral stuff we had down from the attic, washed it again, and made room for it in D’s dressers. Diapers/wipes/necessities? I just added some smaller sizes to our monthly Amazon delivery – easy peasy. It just didn’t seem as scary. We’re having another baby – excellent. Not OH MY GOD WE’RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!!!

I think those were the main things I had in mind. Will there be a 3rd pregnancy to compare/contrast someday? Who knows. We’re not there yet – let’s make sure #2 survives first.

 

 

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The first 2 weeks

Today Lana is 2 weeks old, and I just wanted to jot down some thoughts and memories so far so I don’t forget them. So this post may be kind of list-y and seemingly random, but that’s life with a newborn and toddler right now.

Lana:

  • Belly button scab fell off Friday night, November 2, at 12 days old. Thank heavens; I hate those things. It looked a little raw and sore that night, so Ryan put a bandage on it, but it was fine by the next morning. Still has a tiny piece of scab at the bottom, but overall looks great. I’m glad she got a good belly button too, just like Della did.
  • Is a great baby so far. Sleeps a lot with some good awake stretches during the day. Night time wake-ups are roughly 11, 2 am, and 5 am before we’re up for the day. The “up for the day” time has been around 8 so far since Ryan and my mom were here, but now it’ll be whenever Della wakes up. That is usually 7-7:30 if she doesn’t wake up when Ryan goes to work at 7, so hopefully that will continue. Any extra minutes of sleep I can get are precious.
  • Besides a trip to the doctor’s office at 4 days old, had her first outing with Mama, Dada, and Della at 5 days old. We walked over to our local Municipal Clerk’s Office so Ryan could vote early and I could turn in my absentee ballot. No way was I going to stand in line at the polling place on Election Day with a 2 year old and a 2 week old, thank you very much. Then we walked up to Sendik’s, our neighborhood grocery store, which was Della’s first walk destination as well. It ended up taking me about an hour and a half to complete a super easy walk, though – I forgot how slowly I had to move.
  • Had her first bigger outing this past Friday, again at 12 days old. My mom, Della, and I took Lana to visit Ryan at work, then we all went out to lunch. She took her first bottle there too, and had zero problems.
  • Has been nursing like a champ from the start, fortunately. We already have a good stockpile of frozen breast milk going again, which pretty much started as soon as we got home from the hospital. She was 7 lbs. 7 oz. at birth, left the hospital at 7 lbs. 4 oz., was 7 lbs. 8.25 oz. at her 2 day post-hospital dr. appt., and was all the way up to 8 lbs. 5 oz. at her dr. appt. last week, just shy of 1 week after her first visit. The doctor said she likes to see babies gain about an ounce a day at this point, and Lana has doubled that. Moo.
  • Is very strong. She has been able to lift her head off your shoulder and look around since she was born. I’ve only done a little tummy time so far, but I’m not concerned at all with all that movement on her own.
  • Had zero jaundice. Della had it just slightly when she was born, but Lana hasn’t had a trace of it.

Me:

  • Feeling great, aside from the utter lack of sleep. I had just a small tear during labor, which I assume is healing fine since I’ve had/felt no complications. I took ibuprofen for the cramping from breastfeeding in the hospital, but haven’t taken any pain medicine since then.
  • As for that lack of sleep thing, I’ve been trying to take naps during Della’s nap to help. Lana is almost always sleeping then too, so that works out well. On the days I don’t get one, I just try to go to bed early, like as soon after Della does as possible.
  • Down 24 lbs. as of this morning. I gained 36 total this time, up to 185.5, and today I was down to 161.5. I was able to get my regular jeans on and fasten them by the end of last week, but I’m actually wearing them today. That’s mainly because my favorite maternity pair was in the laundry today because Lana sprayed poop all over them last night; they are still super comfortable.
  • The milk machines are finally getting used to having a baby use them as her source of nutrition multiple times a day again. They were pretty sore that first week or so, but lanolin has really helped.
  • Just hoping to get in a good groove as Mama of 2 starting this week. The first week Ryan was home, then my mom was here all last week, so this week will be the real test as I’m on my own. Pray for my sanity, ha! I did have a little test today since Ryan is up in Green Bay at the Packers game, and I think it’s going ok. I did weather one rough patch – 2 kids screaming, a bassinet full of baby shit yet again, and the oven timer going off all at the same time, but we survived. I learned a good phrase from one of my friends on Facebook – “10 minutes of suck”. She is very right – I can handle 10 minutes. And this didn’t even last that long.

Della:

  • She is the best big sister ever. She has this adorable little mantra she says whenever Lana starts crying or gets fussy – “Don’t cry baby. It’s ok. I’m the big sister. It’s me, Della.” It obviously doesn’t all sound exactly like that, but that is what she’s saying. 😉 It seriously melts my heart every time I hear it and just makes me smile.
  • Is a wonderful helper. She throws diapers away, helps burp Lana, has learned to put her stool in front of the bathroom sink to get Lana’s little washcloth wet, and loves to watch me do everything for the baby – feed her, pump, change her diapers, etc.
  • Does get a little upset sometimes when Lana’s really screaming, but fortunately we can calm her pretty easily. I just remember to give her lots of extra hugs and kisses, since this is such a huge change for her too. It makes me sad to think that any of this is causing stress for her. It’s so different not having her be my only focus now, and I just don’t want to let her down at all.
  • I think genuinely does enjoy having Lana around. I was worried she was going to be resentful of having a baby in the house, but so far she’s been incredible. She’s such a great kid. I just hope I’m strong enough to be a good mom to both her and Lana, giving Della the continued attention she needs as a growing and learning toddler without neglecting any of Lana’s newborn needs.

So that’s the first 2 weeks in a nutshell. Ryan is of course an amazing dad of 2, just like he was of 1. My next goal is to get Lana’s birth story written down. Let’s see how long it takes me to get a chance to do that…

 

 

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Ramblings of a pregnant girl

Because that’s pretty much how my mind’s working these days, and yes, I still call/think of myself as a girl, even at age 33. Moving on…

So I REALLY can’t believe that Della won’t be my only child in what could be a matter of days. Yes, this pregnancy was planned and not a surprise, but I guess it never dawned on me how much I was going to miss having just her little self running around. I just hope I can be a good mom to both of them when Dv2.0 gets here. I know a newborn needs a lot of time and attention, but there’s no way I’m going to ignore anything about D. I just hope I can handle it.

This time being home with her and not working has been so much more enjoyable than I expected, I can barely stand it. I absolutely love being everything for her all day, even though I’m sure there’s stuff she’s missing out on that they’d be doing at daycare. No, we haven’t done nearly as many art projects as I would have liked or arranged as many play dates or explored more books at the library, but I think she’s still learning and progressing as she should be. She says more and more words each day, she’s excited to see us when she wakes up every morning, she really has had zero major meltdowns, and she’s just so happy. That’s most important and a good sign, right?

It honestly gives me anxiety now when I have to think about going back to work at some point next year. I have been able to do some editing/proofreading work since my job ended this summer which definitely helps to tack onto my severance bundle, and it’s something I would love to continue year-round as a work-at-home gig. Whether or not I could actually build up enough of it to really count as even a part-time second income is the wrench in the plan. I bet I could, but I think I would need 1-2 days of daycare each week back to get big chunks of work done. Especially with 2 kids at home, I’m not sure how well it would work trying to get multiple hours of editing in each day and juggle their demands at the same time.

Speaking of 2 kids, where are the Cliffs notes for how to do that? Before I knew I would be jobless when Dv2.0 came, it was easy – D would be in daycare during the days still, so I could focus all attention on the baby for a couple months. Then when I went back to work they’d both be going to the same place. Simple as pie. Now, I have no idea how I’m going to survive after that first week when I’m home alone with both. D is such a great kid I really don’t think she’ll have a total attitude reversal and turn into a pint-sized terror, but who knows. I just hope the baby is as great and calm as she was. If we get a colicky kid on our hands this time, I may not be so composed as I was with D as a newborn.

I hope D adjusts well to Ryan doing more stuff with/for her when the baby comes, stuff that I mainly do now, simply because I’m here all day with her. Like right now she doesn’t want him to read her bedtime stories anymore, just me. Which is weird, since she’s always loved having both of us do it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that she now likes to pull up my shirt and put her head on my belly when we rock before she goes to sleep so she can be with the baby, but I could be totally wrong. It is super cute, though, how she does that. She always says, “me baby” and just rests her head down there with her arms at my sides. I about die. I hope it’s a good sign that she’ll actually be excited to see and know the baby when he/she arrives instead of feeling any sort of jealousy or resentment.

Like I mentioned in my weekly pregnancy post on Friday, I am now done with my pre-baby to-do list, and that elates me. I have really been worried that we’re just going to be totally unprepared when this kid comes for some reason, but having all the stuff crossed off that bad boy eases my worries a lot. The crib is clean and set up and D’s in her big bed well; the car seat is washed and ready to be installed; we have a bassinet again; the newborn clothes are washed and put away; the newborn diapers are stocked; etc., etc. Now I’m just willing that kid to stay put for a couple more weeks, and we’ll be golden. I just need to remember to keep cherishing these days with just D while I can.

I’m planning to make a couple batches of meals to freeze this week, just another thing to get ready for a house with a newborn again. Lasagna, spaghetti bake, another chicken casserole-type dish. You know, some staples. This is definitely not something I even thought about when D was born, but I figured that since I’m home and should have the time, it’s something I should do, right? How did I get all this stuff accomplished when I was pregnant with D and working full-time? I guess it was a little easier back then because there wasn’t already another kid in the house, but this time should be easier too since we already have all the baby essentials from her.

Hmm… (it’s funny because D now imitates me saying “hmm” all the time, complete with her little finger tapping on her pursed lips) I guess that’s about it for now. The new-baby nerves are in full effect, so it feels good to just get some of this random stuff out of my head. I think the thing making me most nervous this time around is the logistics of it all – when will labor start, what will we do with D if it happens suddenly in the middle of the night (since my water didn’t break last time i don’t know what will happen if it does this time), will she be ok with me having to stay in the hospital a couple nights while she goes home with Daddy, will my mom be able to get up here in time to watch D while we go to the hospital if things do progress during the day again? See, stuff like that. But I know it’ll all work out in the end and we’ll end up a new family of 4.

Wow.

 

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My first. My only, just once more

You are my first, sweet baby girl.

These past two years you’ve been my world.

From the moment we met you, your love filled my heart.

Our lives were for you, right from the start.

Watching you grow and learn and play

has brought joy and laughter to every day.

You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and kind.

I feel so incredibly lucky to know that you’re mine.

No longer a baby, you’re growing so fast.

I know these days of just you and me aren’t going to last.

We rock before bedtime, getting you ready for sleep;

If I could, in my arms I would forever you keep.

But my lap is getting smaller as I nestle you on the side.

Don’t worry, though, peanut, my love for you I’ll never hide.

Tonight you hugged my hand as I laid you in bed,

And I almost started crying as I kissed your little head.

What will it be like when you’re not the only one?

I promise to do all I can to make sure you still have fun.

I know the best big sister you’ll be;

This new little boy or girl is as lucky as can be.

I love you, Della, all the way to my core.

You, my first and my only, just a little while more.