D – Page 4 – Jocelyn Rau

May 17, 2013

Friday Funk

Haven’t seen one of these posts in a long time, eh? In fact, the last one was the one I wrote right after Lana was born; my 39 weeks pregnancy update.

But I wanted to get something posted since I haven’t for a while, yet all my thoughts are just kind of random right now. So let’s see… We’ll call this one the “Start of Summer Edition”.

Tomorrow is going to be a spectacular day. Bold prediction, no? But listen to the itinerary – in the morning I have Run the Bay, the 5k for which I’ve been training this past month or so. It’s the first one I’ve run in 2 years, the first and last time I did this same race. I’ve been pushing the girls in our new jogging stroller along the race route for my training runs, so hopefully when I do it alone tomorrow I’ll go faster. The other day I pushed them at a 9:07 pace, which made me pretty happy. If I can get in the lower 8 minutes range somewhere for my race pace that’d be awesome. I think my fastest race pace is just over an 8:00 mile, so I’ll consider anywhere close to that a success, 2 babies later.

Then tomorrow afternoon we’re going to the Kenny Chesney/Eric Church concert at Miller Park. Let the summer of music begin! It’s Kenny’s “No Shoes Nation” tour, and the next stop is Milwaukee. We’re going with friends, and this will be I think the 3rd Kenny show my girlfriend and I will have been to together. I can already hear the Coronas opening and the limes being squeezed…

What else? Oh, Lana has officially sprouted her first tooth. Excellent. Just what we need – something else to make her scream. However, she did sleep completely through the night last night for the first time in at least a month, so I’ll take that. If teeth = sleep for her, I’ll even spring for some dentures to fill her mouth.

Look who my bed partners are this morning – how could it not start well? Sorry the quality is so terrible. It was taken on my phone, which has a ridiculously bright flash, so I kept capturing their recoils instead of their cute little faces, but oh well. You can still tell who it is. Lana has switched positions, though, and is currently trying to squirm her way over to eat the computer. Attention diverting is in full effect right now.

Della has started swim lessons at the gym, so we’re off to those later this morning. This will be her 3rd out of 7 sessions, and she said today she wants to jump in with the teacher and put her head all the way under the water. So far she’s been very hesitant to do so, but the other little girl in her class is a whirling dervish in the pool, which I think has prodded D on a little. I hope she does dunk under today, because I just want her totally comfortable with being in and around the water before we’re near any lakes this summer.

Oh yeah – there’s going to be a baby any day now too! No, not in this household, but in my sister’s. She and my brother-in-law are expecting their first, a little boy, sometime in the next week or so. She’s due next Saturday, but I have the feeling of tomorrow in my head. We shall see – I can’t wait to hear the news!

I think those were the main things running around upstairs this morning. Have a great weekend, everyone, and I’ll let you know how the race goes. Fingers crossed for a respectable finish!

April 30, 2013April 30, 2013

Back in an instant

Tonight I was the chosen one to read Della’s bedtime stories, so we had the obligatory rocking session afterward before she got into bed. She had a really full day today, with 2 trips to the park, more outside play at home, and barely an hour nap when she’s usually out for a solid 2 or more. Plus there was a little “in trouble” episode between lunch and her nap, so that added some stress in there.

Long way to say I knew she was very sleepy. Unfortunately she didn’t get to bed as early as I had wanted her to, but maybe she’ll sleep in a little in the morning to make up for it.

As she was settling into her positions while rocking, it happened. She rolled onto her back in my left arm with her right hand on her cheek, and she put her left hand up on my left shoulder. Exactly like she did years ago when I wrote this post.

I was immediately transported back in time to that night. It was even warm then just as it was tonight, because I was wearing a tank top in both episodes. Thinking back it seemed like eons ago, because she still took a bedtime bottle, and little Lana was not even a thought. I watched her face tonight as my mind undertook its time travel, and I was just struck by how utterly amazing children are.

When they’re born it’s impossible to envision who they’re going to be, how they’re going to grow, what path their lives will take, and you become 100% enveloped in their survival. Then one day you get caught at just the right moment and that very first day of their life seems so incredibly far away. And you wonder how in the world did we get here so fast?

That’s why I was so grateful for that one little moment tonight. It was like I was sitting there with both Dellas at exactly the same time – the baby one who inspired me to write that post and the big girl one who is with us now. So beautifully the same and different.

She’s getting so big, it’s unbelievable. At the park today I was astonished at how much she’s grown just since the last time we were there last fall. I glanced over at her at one point and she had scampered all the way up the curved jungle gym bars that used to be way too dangerous for her to tackle alone. I still worry that her foot will slip through and that precious little face will be smashed, but I just stood back and let her go with some words of encouragement. Once she knew she could, she just kept climbing and climbing and climbing.

Della Jolee. She astounds me constantly with her mind – she’s so smart, and her memory is like a steel trap. Granted she only has 2.5 years of crap in there compared to my almost 34, but she remembers things to which I would never even give half a thought. We’ll be reading a book and all of a sudden she has to turn back a few pages or turn back to the cover or title page. And just as I’m about to ask what she’s doing, she’ll say, “see, match”, and she’s totally right. The page we were reading will have the same picture that’s shown on the page to which she turned. I would never in a million years put little things like that together. She pays so much attention.

Now that Lana’s here, I find myself constantly trying to remember what Della was like at each of these baby stages. What she looked like, what she did, how she acted, and for some reason it’s so hard to remember. It wasn’t even that long ago, but I’m just so used to the girl she is today that picturing her in her own baby stages is embarrassingly difficult.

She’s become a fan of saying “I get so big” lately, and she’s so very right. My big girl. 33 months old tomorrow. But still my baby girl in an instant. I don’t think that will ever change.

March 25, 2013March 22, 2013

An update. And pictures!

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but just haven’t found the time to actually sit down and do it. Imagine that with a toddler and infant in the house. Odd.

But fortunately things are feeling much better than they did a few months ago, when I wrote this post. The fog of not feeling like myself has finally lifted, and thankfully I think I’ve regained my parenting mojo. I no longer feel like having 2 kids is going to suffocate me; rather I feel like each day gets better than the last with these 2 little ones.

What has happened to changed my outlook? Well, for one, I got a job. It’s not a new career by any means, more just something to get me and the girls out of the house and interacting in society again. I work part-time at the front desk of the Wisconsin Athletic Club, a gym to which I belonged for years and at which I continued to work out with my trainer until she left just a few weeks ago.

I work anywhere from 2-4 days per week, 3-4 hours at a time. The girls and I get free memberships out of the deal too, but the best part, by far, is that they get to come with me while I work and stay in the kids care room for free. Free daycare?! That cannot be passed up. Now it isn’t an actual licensed daycare center, more just glorified babysitting, but still. Della gets to play with all the kids, they do story time and gym time, she takes her favorite “new lunchbox” every day; and Lana gets fed her bottles, diapers changed, tummy time, etc., so it’s absolutely perfect.

It gives me a nice little break from the parenting responsibilities a couple times a week and the girls get taken care of well, so it’s working out very smoothly right now. And I finally don’t feel like I’m about to lose my head trying to rush us out the door each time we go, so that helps too. Those first couple weeks I seriously felt like a complete whirling dervish every time I had to get the 3 of us ready to go in the mornings. Practice makes perfect, I guess. Or at least better.

Having a paycheck again is nice too, but the pay is definitely not why I’m there. A little is better than zero though, eh?

What else? I guess Lana getting out of the newborn stage has helped as well. I don’t feel completely tethered to a screaming baby anymore, which I think would make anyone happy. She has certainly mellowed in the past couple months, and I don’t have a tiny screaming head in my face so much anymore. She’ll give a good wail here and there still, but nothing like the early days when I almost went deaf a few times.

She’s getting easier, I think Della enjoys being around kids more often again, and the combination of those just makes my days all around better. I don’t feel trapped, I don’t feel anxious, I don’t feel like a terrible mom, I don’t feel like a terrible wife, I don’t feel like not me. I feel good again, and that feels great.

I do still need to work on the exercise part, as I haven’t been able to get in a good routine with timing workouts with my shifts at the gym, but hopefully I’ll get something going soon. I usually work from 9-noon or 9-1, which doesn’t leave enough time for me to get in as long a workout as I want before having to get Della home for her nap, and the kids room doesn’t open until 8, which doesn’t give me enough time before work either. So we’ll see what I can finagle there.

Also, it’s Spring. Even though the temperature belies the season right now, I am happy that the sun is at least shining. I started taking vitamin D in liquid drop form this winter to actually help slow my postpartum hair shedding, but I think it helped me feel better overall instead. It didn’t necessarily give me more energy, but I didn’t feel so run-down and tired all the time. I don’t think it did anything to help my hair stop falling out so much, though. That will just take time to get rid of all the built up pregnancy locks.

So there you have it. And for being such good listeners and readers, here are some recent pictures of the most adorable children ever created. What? I’m biased.

March 7, 2013

I’m a pretty damn good mom after all

That’s basically all I wanted to say, but it feels good to actually “say” it out loud. It feels like it’s taken a long time to get here. (even though i haven’t really been a mom all that long, but whatever)

Sure I have bad days, but I know I’m not alone in that. And lately the good days have begun to far, far outnumber the bad ones. I’m getting into the swing of my new job and loading the girls up to go with me there, and that new routine is finally starting to feel more natural.

Oh yeah, I got a job. I’m planning a bigger “update” post wherein I explain all that, but in a nutshell I started working part-time at the front desk at the gym to which I’ve belonged for years. So far it’s going great. But like I said, more on that later.

This post is about me feeling good in my motherhood again. Being home with 2 is definitely harder than not being home with 1, since I worked full-time for the first 2 years of Della’s life. And as I’ve admitted before, it was a lot harder than I expected and allowed myself to believe at first. But honestly I do feel like I’m better getting the hang of it all.

Della and Lana are my little buddies now instead of simply my charges. Della gets excited to go to “Mama’s new work”, especially when we pack up her lunchbox. One of the girls in the kids care room where D & L go while I work told me this morning that Della was having a blast showing off her “new lunchbox” to everyone. I love how she refers to it as that, since we’ve had it in the cupboard for years. New to her though, I guess.

And Lana is definitely mellowing and becoming more fun to be around. Her crying jags are much fewer and far between, and dare I say on their way out? Now when she cries I know she’s obviously hungry or sleepy, depending on the time of day (or night still, unfortunately). Her smiles and huge blue eyes are the most beautiful things ever, and the chatter she squawks out is hysterical.

Seeing little shining moments in the girls’ days are also helping confirm my new found Mama conviction. When I dropped the two of them off in the kids care room at work today, Della walked over to a little boy who was standing near the cabinets by the sink. He must have been about her age, as he was a little shorter than her. She just wanted to see what he was doing, but when she walked up, he put his hand up on her chest in a “go away” motion. Instantly, flashbacks of those little bitches at the family party came back to me and I was heart-broken again. (what, i can call them that, they’re family) She didn’t see me watching this, however, and she went and sat down at one of the little tables in the room by herself.

I told this tale to that same girl who works in the kids care room later in the morning when she was out at the front desk, and she said oh poor Della! Yeah, that’s what I thought too! But she said don’t worry, they started coloring right after that and she was totally fine. Incident long forgotten. Which I assumed, but I was just happy to know that Della didn’t push the kid back or anything like that. She just walked away and did her own thing. I’d like to think I had a hand in forming her sweet, mild nature, but maybe it’s just innate. I’ll keep telling myself I at least helped, though.

So that’s all. I just felt really good about myself and the girls today, and wanted to write that out. Thank you for listening, as always.

i really, really love this little face.

the constant wonder in her eyes is such a marvelous thing.

February 12, 2013February 12, 2013

That’s much better

Remember the family Christmas party last month where poor Della was ostracized by those annoying little 6 year old girls? Here, I’ll give you a sec to refresh your memory…

Well we went to one of our nephew’s birthday party this past weekend, and things were SO much better. All the cousins who I had hoped were going to be at the Christmas party were at this birthday party, and none of the part of the family from which those other girls came was present. It made for a fantastic time for D.

These cousins seriously love her, and she had an absolute blast palling around with the youngest girl, who’s 4. They played with toys, ate lunch together, ran around in the snow together, and were just all around best buds the whole afternoon. My heart was very happy.

Fortunately this is the immediate part of our family and those Christmas party brats are more distant relatives, so we don’t see them often at all. So hopefully Della will enjoy many more instances like this weekend’s fun and merriment than times like the Christmas party. If you can’t tell, that still riles me when I think about it. Sigh.

But just look at this. How marvelous can you possibly get? I do wish we all lived closer together so this love could be shared so much more often.

February 1, 2013February 1, 2013

30 month stats

You’re 2 and a half years old today. That means that every second from here on out you’ll be closer to 3 years old than to 2. Wow!

official 30 month pics. unfortunately half of them came out blurry, so i apologize for the sub-par quality. i am not a dslr master.

There’s no way words can even begin to describe all that you are and who you are becoming every day. Being home and watching you grow more than ever these past couple months has been simply amazing, and it is so fun to watch you turning into a real little person. Here is an attempt to encapsulate just a little of your essence:

Full sentences forming
Potty trained by 28 months (thank you!!)
Almost 2″ taller than you were on your 2nd birthday
Head and shoulders above the table tops now
Reaching up to the counters and sink
Eyes shining brightly
Crooked little “oh well” face
Mischievous grin
Cheeeeese! as you set up your tripod and take actual pictures with your little orange camera
8, 9, 10 fast! as you race back and forth from the kitchen to living room
Singing A, B, Cs
The wheels on the bus
Hiding under blankets in Daddy’s spot on the couch and bed
Playing in your playhouse outside and in your kitchen inside
Coloring
Being outdoors
Swings and slides at the park
Helping Mama put the dishes away from the dishwasher
Helping make ice with the ice cube trays
Giving Baby Lana sweet little hugs and kisses on her head
Pointing out all of Lana’s “leetle tiny” features and parts
In your own words – “Don’t cry, Baby Lana, it’s ok. I’m your big sister. I’m right here.”
Watching up on the changing dresser as I change Lana’s diapers
Elmo, Cookie Monster, Abby, & Dora still being your favorites
“Hmm, nek on now?” a.k.a “Hmm, what’s on next?” when watching PBS shows (we know the whole morning lineup. a good thing or bad?)
Knowing fully how to turn on and manipulate our iPhones and tablet computers (which completely blows my mind)
“Hmm, do day?” a.k.a. “Hmm, what did we do today?” as we get ready for sleep
Your cute little words that I sometimes wish would never change:
- mee-mees = mittens
- bapas = vitamins & diapers (those 2 sound extremely similar)
- moke = smoke
- no = snow (and no, obviously)
- roo-roos, said while making a zipper motion on your shirt = cars (it’s your version of vroom-vroom)
- roar = lion, tiger, bear… anything that roars
- hop = frog & rabbit
- neigh = horse
- bas = sheep
- pee-pees = piggies, a.k.a. pigtails
- toi-toi = toilet
- mee-meeze = excuse me (because you seriously fart like a man. thanks, daddy)
- di-dos = dinosaurs
- oppeepees = octopus
- ameemees = ambulance
- dupples = buckles
- i’m sure there are more that need to be added here…
Some words come out perfectly, which is always incredible
Stickers
Robot dance & your monster walk
Toy Story, The Lorax, & Monsters, Inc.
A day back in daycare here and there, so you can keep playing with your best mates Hemingway and Nathyn (a.k.a Hemmy and Nay-Nay)
Doing your exercises
Memory like a steel trap

I could probably go on for all eternity here, but it really is just astounding watching you, my first child, grow in such a profound way. You have transformed from a tiny, helpless, immobile newborn into a beautiful, (usually) polite, charismatic toddler going on full-blown kid running through this world.

You certainly have your days, as we all do, but you nearly constantly make us so utterly proud and thankful that you are our child. We’re all learning here as we go, but hopefully you’d say Daddy and I are doing a pretty good job, if you knew what any of this meant. We love you so very, very much, my sweet Della Jolee, and that is one thing that will never ever change.

January 14, 2013January 14, 2013

We’re molting! And other news

I guess more accurately we’re shedding, but I liked molting better. But either way, the time has come for the postpartum shed to begin. Yuck! And this time it’s not just me, but Lana too. Her tiny little hairs are falling out all over the place, as are my foot-long ones. Again, yuck!

I don’t remember Della losing her hair at this point so much, but then again she had a fraction of the amount of hair that Lana does. Hers did fall out too, but maybe it just wasn’t so obvious since there was less of it. I just hope this doesn’t last for 3 months again, making me think my hairline is receding like it did last time, because I detest cleaning hair up from every surface of the house.

Let’s see, what else… Della and I actually did a craft project today! I know, stop the presses. Every so often they would send home their little placemats from daycare with a picture of the kid and other stickers and pictures and stuff on them. We have 2 past ones, and Ryan thought it needed updating. So that was our project for this morning. I think it turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. She picked all the pictures out of a magazine, I cut them out and glued them on, then she adorned it with stickers.

And speaking of daycare, D’s going back! Well, just 1 day a week, but I think she’ll love it. She still talks about 3 of her friends from there all the time, and I always feel bad when she does, thinking, well don’t get your hopes up because you’ll probably never see them again. I actually did ask the daycare director if they’re still there, and all but 1 of them are.

So we’re starting this Wednesday. Ryan will either drop her off and pick her up on his way home from work, or I’ll keep the car that day and play taxi. I really think she’ll enjoy being back with all the other kids, I’ll get a day to focus only on Lana, we can do it on a drop in basis, and we already know we love the place. Win, win, win, win, win…

Also, get this. I applied for a job! It’s just a part-time front desk position at the gym where I train and used to belong, so it’s not like I’m setting out to make my fortune here. I knew a long time ago that if I ever lost my last job, I would be very hard-pressed to make 6 figures again unless I did that same thing. Which I don’t really think I want to right now. So why not do something more lighthearted and fun?

The other great thing about this job would be I could probably take the girls into the kid care room while I was there, plus I’d get a membership for free. Winning again! It would just be a couple hours in the weekday mornings, whichever days they have openings. I spoke with the guy in charge of the front desk staffing today, and he will be working on February’s schedule later this week, obviously filling openings with current staff first then going from there. So he said he’ll let me know later in the week one way or the other.

I also said I would volunteer if they have no paid openings right now, which would still get us out of the house and me a free membership. So hopefully something will pan out there. I think it’s kind of a long shot since I didn’t see any front desk part-time openings on their website, but you never know. I’ll keep you posted.

Sooo… I think that’s about it. Fortunately 2013 seems to be off to a good start, and I’m feeling much better about everything these days. I definitely feel much more found than lost right now, and I am so thankful for that.