Because I’m just a little crazy sometimes
Not to laugh your ass off. I almost died silent laughing at work yesterday reading some of these I got in an email. I would paste the whole email here because they were some of the funniest ones I’ve ever seen, but it would take up way too much room. So just read through on there and try not to laugh. I dare you.
Sorry folks, I’m apparently full of it today. (please feel free to insert whatever definition of “it” you would like in that sentence 😉 )
But this one’s too good to pass up. R just sent me this description he found on one of his bargain sites:Â Amazon has the Mangroomer Do It Yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver for $23 with free shipping. Features 135 degrees of motion, and an extendable and adjustable handle that can lock in place. [Compare]
My reply:Â um, what? i didn’t even know they made those
Then he sent me the link. Ha! It’s essentially a shaving back scratcher. 🙂 I particularly enjoy the 6th photo in the row of images. Why this struck me so funny, I have no idea. Something about the word “Mangroomer”. Guess it’s just one of those days…
“Holy shitballs!” Those were the exact words that flew out of my mouth and into D’s ears on the way home yesterday when I saw that gas had dropped to $3.89 per gallon at the cheaper of the two stations near our house. $3.89 per gallon and I’m getting excited? What is wrong with that picture?
The other weekend we were at R’s brother’s house to drop D off to be babysat for a few hours, and R went upstairs to use the bathroom. No big deal, that is a common occurrence at their house. This pit stop was taking longer than usual, however, and finally R’s sister-in-law asked where R was. R’s brother said, “He’s upstairs taking a dump.” Again, no big deal, that is also a common occurrence at their house and we’re all close, so who cares if that is announced? Well in the meantime, I proceeded to use the downstairs bathroom. R came back downstairs before I returned and now asked where I was, and our 5-year-old nephew proclaimed, “She’s in the bathroom taking a dump.” 🙂 (no, i wasn’t really. that bathroom is right off the kitchen and only has a curtain for a door right now as they’re remodeling, so no dumping occurs in that one)
You know what really bugs me? When I get logged off a session on a website I’ve been on for a while and have to log back in to do something. Just leave me signed in. I’m on my own computer, so you don’t need to shut me out every 47 seconds. I realize this is simply a security measure for my information’s protection and we all know the importance of security on the interwebs these days and all, but come on. It just irks me. I have enough stupid log in IDs and passwords to keep track of without you booting me out willy nilly when I come back to your browser window. (i literally have a spreadsheet containing all my log ins and passwords because there’s no way in hell i can remember them all. and then when i have to change one and update the spreadsheet? ugh)
You know what else bugs me? Unread emails in my inbox. I just can’t stand seeing the little new mail icon and the number of unread messages next to the word “Inbox”. Why? Who knows. Maybe it’s my organizational nature and innate disdain for clutter. And if an unread email accidentally finds its way into the deleted items folder? Holy shitballs, the humanity!
Last night I had my first pregnancy dream since I was pregnant. Odd. I dreamt that I was in labor with really bad contractions, but when the doctor went to check to see how far dilated I was she just pulled the baby out instead. Like it was nothing. And I don’t mean like she pulled the baby out after I’d been pushing as would be standard procedure. She just all of a sudden had my baby in her arms without me doing anything. It was utterly and totally bizarre.
But it was another girl. And she had a really big nose. Not like a big, old man nose, but really long. And it was all smushed down and sideways as it very well could have been had she actually passed through the birth canal with a nose that long, but she hadn’t. She’d been magically lifted from my womb like a ghost passes through a wall – nothing to it. And she had a really long belly button area where they were trying to snip the umbilical cord off. Like it would have left her with a 2 inch long belly button. Gross. I hate outies. (no offense if any of you have an outie, mind you. i just prefer innies)
Then after this long-nosed, long-belly-buttoned little girl was born, the most disgusting part of the dream occurred – the afterbirth. I won’t go into all the gory details (unless you really want me to), because it was a bajillion times worse than what actually did happen after my own real-life labor, but let’s just say it involved a lot of bloody goopy mess falling onto the floor, some of which was frozen. Frozen?? Yep, frozen. I told you I have truly incomprehensible dreams.
No, I am definitely not pregnant.
And I woke up with really bad gas pains.
Sounds gross, I know, but it’s true. And I don’t mean like I don’t put on deodorant or change my underwear for weeks at a time or anything like that, but when I’m really tired, simple toiletry tasks just annoy me.
Take, for example, today. I was bone tired and not feeling that great all day, so by the time I picked up D, had her first parent teacher conference (yes, in daycare! silly, but it was actually pretty cute. don’t worry, she’s never been sent to the principal’s office 😉 ), and got home after work, the last thing I really felt like doing was getting in the shower. However, I didn’t shower yesterday, so today I was due. Ever since D was born I’ve adopted a one-day-on, one-day-off showering routine. Sorry, I know some of you super cleanies are thinking, “Oh my god, she doesn’t bathe daily? That’s disgusting!” But when D was a newborn, getting a shower in every other day was a victory. And if I don’t workout and get all sweaty in a particular day, I really don’t get that dirty or stinky. And since my good heavy sweat-inducing workouts have been few and far between since that glorious day last August (i’m working on that, i promise!), I’ve just continued my every-other-day schedule. As far as I see it, why waste time and resources showering if I don’t really need to?
However, if I try to go more than a day in between showers, my hair starts to look like I’ve been working next to a deep fryer too long. I can sometimes stretch it to 2 days, but then I need to start getting creative with the hairdo so as not to look like a total greaser, and that’s the absolute most even I can stand. That usually happens when a weekend is involved, too. I try not to subject my coworkers to such atrocities.
Another one that I can get lazy about is brushing my teeth before bed. I’m really pretty good about oral care, so again, if this happens it’s usually on the weekend – we often watch movies on weekend nights, during which I have a tendency to fall asleep, so when I wake up to stumble into bed the last thing I feel like doing is waking up more to clean my teeth. It all depends on which I want less – to brush and floss, or wake up with little furry coats on my teeth. Honestly, sometimes my teeth just seem cold and get to wear the little coats. And hey, they haven’t fallen out yet.
Washing my face before bed? Another thing that starts to take on “chore” status for me sometimes. I never skip this entirely though, because my skin is oily so it needs to be cleansed in some fashion. If I haven’t worn makeup that day, I might just use a facial cleansing cloth or a cotton pad with toner instead of a full-on washing. And those also tend to be weekend days. Hmm… maybe it’s just weekends when I get hygienically lazy.
So now that I’ve revealed some more of my dirty little secrets (ha! get it? dirty? i’m hilarious), I totally won’t be offended if everyone goes running for the exits in horror. I promise, though, I’m really not that revolting – I did take a shower today, after all. 🙂
Do you think I can read your mind?
I can’t, so it’s not fair for you to get mad at me when you get an answer you don’t like because you thought I was going to say something different because you thought I knew exactly what you wanted or how you felt but I didn’t because as I’ve told you before I can’t read your mind.
The.end.
To caffeine.
I’ve never been a coffee drinker, nor have I ever needed my daily caffeine fix. Until D was born. Then it all went steamrolling downhill. While I was pregnant I was very good about not consuming more than the recommended 200mg of caffeine per day. In fact, I rarely even came close to that if I had any at all.
But once that little bundle of joy arrived, I became hooked on iced hazelnut coffee drinks that R would make for us at home. Not because I needed them after all the nights of broken sleep, but because they were so sweetly delicious (and we use skim milk and sugar-free syrup so they’re actually not all that bad for us, either). With just the right amount of hazelnut I could barely even taste the coffee. 😉
Then I discovered that walking up to the Starbucks at the end of our street and down a block and back was the perfect route with which to return to the outside world once I was cleared for physical activity again 6 weeks postpartum. There I would get an iced venti nonfat light-ice chai as my treat for being a new mom. Hey, I just had a baby, why not celebrate with a tasty afternoon delight?
I ordered so many of those iced chai concoctions that I finally bought one of their reusable cold drink cups, and it has been my right-hand man ever since.
When I went back to work I knew there was no way I could spend $4.05 daily on my addiction, so I bought a palette of the Tazo chai concentrate at Costco (yes, a palette. i told you i was addicted) and just made my own at home each morning. That was in January, and I just finished my last box of chai last week. Wth am I going to do without my daily dose??
I decided I should probably kick this habit and not have R’s mom take us back to Costco so I could get another round (we don’t actually belong there ourselves, so we have to mooch visits off of her when we need something in bulk). I need to go back to actually eating breakfast instead of drinking it. So I’ve been trying. But damn, is it hard some days. I’ve slipped a couple hazelnut coffees in there, but they’re just not the same.
Then today, after having some lovely (read: boring!) oatmeal for breakfast, I started getting a headache. Just a slight twinge at first that steadily grew to feel like I had a small nail or other such device stuck in the back of my head. Hmm, I think I need some caffeine! For you see, you really can get addicted to caffeine, and you really can get withdrawal headaches. And no, I didn’t just make that up to make myself feel better. 😉
Sure as shit, my headache magically disappeared a few sips into that heavenly can of Pepsi Max. Ahh… relief. Guess I’ll just have to try again tomorrow. How dumb that I got myself hooked on caffeine. But hey, at least I’m not saying now where did I put my crack pipe…
