Category: Well why not?

“Holy shitballs!” Those were the exact words that flew out of my mouth and into D’s ears on the way home yesterday when I saw that gas had dropped to $3.89 per gallon at the cheaper of the two stations near our house. $3.89 per gallon and I’m getting excited? What is wrong with that picture?

The other weekend we were at R’s brother’s house to drop D off to be babysat for a few hours, and R went upstairs to use the bathroom. No big deal, that is a common occurrence at their house. This pit stop was taking longer than usual, however, and finally R’s sister-in-law asked where R was. R’s brother said, “He’s upstairs taking a dump.” Again, no big deal, that is also a common occurrence at their house and we’re all close, so who cares if that is announced? Well in the meantime, I proceeded to use the downstairs bathroom. R came back downstairs before I returned and now asked where I was, and our 5-year-old nephew proclaimed, “She’s in the bathroom taking a dump.” 🙂 (no, i wasn’t really. that bathroom is right off the kitchen and only has a curtain for a door right now as they’re remodeling, so no dumping occurs in that one)

You know what really bugs me? When I get logged off a session on a website I’ve been on for a while and have to log back in to do something. Just leave me signed in. I’m on my own computer, so you don’t need to shut me out every 47 seconds. I realize this is simply a security measure for my information’s protection and we all know the importance of security on the interwebs these days and all, but come on. It just irks me. I have enough stupid log in IDs and passwords to keep track of without you booting me out willy nilly when I come back to your browser window. (i literally have a spreadsheet containing all my log ins and passwords because there’s no way in hell i can remember them all. and then when i have to change one and update the spreadsheet? ugh)

You know what else bugs me? Unread emails in my inbox. I just can’t stand seeing the little new mail icon and the number of unread messages next to the word “Inbox”. Why? Who knows. Maybe it’s my organizational nature and innate disdain for clutter. And if an unread email accidentally finds its way into the deleted items folder? Holy shitballs, the humanity!

Last night I had my first pregnancy dream since I was pregnant. Odd. I dreamt that I was in labor with really bad contractions, but when the doctor went to check to see how far dilated I was she just pulled the baby out instead. Like it was nothing. And I don’t mean like she pulled the baby out after I’d been pushing as would be standard procedure. She just all of a sudden had my baby in her arms without me doing anything. It was utterly and totally bizarre.

But it was another girl. And she had a really big nose. Not like a big, old man nose, but really long. And it was all smushed down and sideways as it very well could have been had she actually passed through the birth canal with a nose that long, but she hadn’t. She’d been magically lifted from my womb like a ghost passes through a wall – nothing to it. And she had a really long belly button area where they were trying to snip the umbilical cord off. Like it would have left her with a 2 inch long belly button. Gross. I hate outies. (no offense if any of you have an outie, mind you. i just prefer innies)

Then after this long-nosed, long-belly-buttoned little girl was born, the most disgusting part of the dream occurred – the afterbirth. I won’t go into all the gory details (unless you really want me to), because it was a bajillion times worse than what actually did happen after my own real-life labor, but let’s just say it involved a lot of bloody goopy mess falling onto the floor, some of which was frozen. Frozen?? Yep, frozen. I told you I have truly incomprehensible dreams.

No, I am definitely not pregnant.

And I woke up with really bad gas pains.