Category: Parenthood

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Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy – #5

Wait, wait, wait. Where is #4? you may be asking. Remember, I tricked you and called it “The first time” instead. Duh.

Before I get started, though, how are all you mamas-to-be holding up in this heat wave? Especially those of you so near the end? I hope you’re staying cool and as un-swollen as possible. Is that even a word? Eh, it is now. I totally lucked out last summer – it didn’t really get super hot until right when D was born, so I was able to hole up in air conditioning permanently with good excuse. The heat and the lake did make an exquisite combination this morning, though. As I was driving over a bridge, it must have been the cool air coming in off the lake that made almost an envelope of fog over the end of the bridge. Kind of like you were driving straight into a huge cotton ball. Very cool.

So anyway, this one can be summed up in 2 words: Mucous. Plug. Yep, you read that correctly. Mucous plug. Holy hell, SM, you get more disgusting by the minute. Whaaaat? It’s not my fault. Blame nature. Or evolution. Or something. It’s just one of those things, those nasty beautiful things the female body does while pregnant. I warned you from the get-go that this little series of posts was not for the faint of heart. So quit your bitchin’ and follow along here. Seat belts fastened? Good.

First off, what is it? Basically it’s just a big wad of snot that builds up in your cervix while pregnant to make sure everything that’s supposed to stays inside and everything that’s not supposed to stays out. Very scientific explanation, yes, but you get the gist. So by the end of a pregnancy as the cervix starts to shorten and thin to prepare for delivery, the mucous plug is no longer held as tightly in place, and eventually SLURP! Out it comes.

Ok, now here’s the thing. I had read about the mucous plug while I was pregnant, and knew full well that I might meet it toward the end of my pregnancy. Even armed with that knowledge, however, it still scared the living shit out of me when we finally did come face-to-face. Because I was soooo not ready for such an early sign of labor when it came out, 16 days before my due date. 16 days?!!? No, not fair, not fair. We desperately needed those 16 days sans baby to keep working on our house. For we were in the throes of a full kitchen remodel when D was born. And I just kept praying to that little baby (we didn’t know she was a “she” until she came out) inside me to just stay in there, just stay in there, pleeease just stay in there until your due date. Mommy and Daddy need to get more shit done! Actually, I secretly made a deal with it (yes, i called her an it before she was born because constantly typing or saying him/her and he/she is really annoying) – just stay in there until August and we’ll call it a deal. I guess she heard me, for sure enough, August 1 rolled around and out she popped (which ended up being 8 days after the mucous plug did). I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain very well though – we still didn’t have any counter tops in the kitchen at that point.

I think one of the reasons I freaked out when I saw my mucous plug on the outside of my body, was that you really have no idea how quickly things will progress once it happens. Once I saw that huge glob of snot in my underwear (and yes, that is exactly what it looked like. huge and snotty) I immediately looked it up online to see what happens next, right after I started breathing again when the panic attack subsided. And that was no help whatsoever – everywhere said it could signal labor in the next 12 hours, or it could signal labor in the next 2 weeks. Well what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Go to the hospital and tell them hi, my mucous plug just fell out so I need to sit here and wait for oh, maybe 2 weeks? Yeah, didn’t think so. We did have a family picnic to attend up in Sheboygan that afternoon, though, so I told R we might want to think about skipping it and sticking close to home just in case, since I’d just had my very first labor sign. We kind of gave each other the “holy shit, we’re having a baby” face, but decided to go to the picnic anyway. I was having no other signs of labor, no contractions of any sort, so we figured it’d be fine to go. Turns out that may have been the one time in our lives when we were right about something.

So yeah, the mucous plug. You might see it when it falls out, or you might miss it if it just heads straight for the toilet water when you’re doing your duty. If you do catch a glimpse of it when it comes out, though, you know you’re approaching go-time. Unfortunately you just don’t really know exactly how much longer you’ll have to wait. At least you’ll know that you’d better get that bag ready, and you’ll probably perfect your “holy shit, we’re having a baby” face.

 

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Army crawl

That’s what I was almost forced to use as my exit strategy from D’s room tonight after I put her to bed. Seriously, what is going on with this kid? Bedtime is turning into wartime again, and I am not amused.

She has to fall asleep taking a bottle, and if she rolls over and wakes up when you put her in her crib, forget it. You’ll have to start all over because she’ll stand up and start crying. Tonight it took no fewer than 5 tries to finally get her to sleep. And on that last time I held my hand on her stomach so she couldn’t roll over when I laid her down, or else I might still be in there, on round 476.

Why has this happened? She used to be fine going to bed – when she was nursing we could even put her down with no issue if she was still awake after her last feeding. She would put herself to sleep no problem. I want that D back. This one isn’t as nice.

I want to just let her cry it out, but R usually can’t take it as long as I can and goes in to rescue her. The other night he even said, “Oh, we’ll just spoil her until her birthday.” Meaning we’ll keep going back in to get her and continue giving her a bottle to go to sleep if she starts crying at bedtime until she turns 1 in a few weeks. Ugh. I don’t think that’s called “spoiling” her, I think that’s just teaching her a bad nighttime habit.

And no way could I try letting her cry tonight because R’s still sick and had gone into the bedroom about 3 hours before I was playing bedtime ranger. His Highness with the Sickness would not have been pleased. I was already chastised earlier today for making too much noise as I was responding to D’s little squeals and noises with my own.

As if.

I don’t know how much more of that I can take either. His doctor did put him on antibiotics yesterday for rheumatic fever (eh??) and strep throat (although his throat doesn’t hurt), but then he started feeling worse after taking them. Um, that’s not how they’re supposed to work. Then his side starting hurting because he thinks he fucked it up sleeping on the futon so often this week.

Splendid – that’s the same futon upon which I will be sleeping tonight so he can have the bedroom to himself.

Oh, and don’t tell me D has another ear infection. I know that was the diagnosis when she first pulled the bedtime crying stunt back in March, but I find it really hard to believe that it’s back just 2 weeks after the doctor gave us the all-clear.

When I took her in right before we went to Canada the infection was totally gone in both ears. There was just a little bit of fluid left in one of them, but her doctor said that was completely normal.

Sooo… what gives here people? Tonight she even kept lying down like she was going to go to sleep as long as she could still see me each time she picked her head up. What the? Finally she was like f this, I’m just going to get up. And there we went again.

So finally at 9:30, about an hour and a half after I first started trying to put her to bed, I was able to take a shower. And then since I had the house to myself at long last I gave myself a pedicure. Don’t laugh at either my gross feet or my horrible nail painting skills. There’s a reason I don’t do this for a living:

This little piggy

It’s a rad color I picked up at CVS yesterday, and is much more aqua than it looks in that picture. For some reason only the blue hue got picked up, none of the green. I did take it with my iPhone, though. I wanted a change of pace for the urban adventure race I’m doing tomorrow with my trainer and another girl. Not that anyone will be able to see my toes through my running shoes, but still.

And now I’m going to go eat some Kopp’s frozen custard. I cleaned out and up the whole garage today, walked up to the grocery store with R and D, mowed the yard, and played single parent for a while.

Damn, I hope R’s meds kick in soon. I don’t need 2 babies to take care of in this house.

 

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The first time

You’re nervous, maybe a little frightened/anxious…

Will it hurt?

How long will it take?

What am I going to feel like when it’s over?

You start, then maybe stop for a second, making sure it’s not too painful. Then keep going past the worst of it until you’re done and you feel the sweet relief.

Oh wait, I’m not talking about that first time.

Sorry to get your hopes up. I’m talking about a much different first time – the first time you have to poop after giving birth. Surprise!

All right, let me back up a second. I guess I could also have titled this post “Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy – #4:  The Aftermath“.

Again, with all the babies being born and on the way right now, I thought I’d give you my take on the whole thing. It was one of the biggest question marks in my entire pregnancy, labor, and delivery experience – what in the hell is this going to feel like and how am I going to feel afterward?

As always, this is strictly based on what happened to me, certainly not the rule for how it happens for everyone, and it might be a little graphic for some. And obviously it would be totally different for anyone that has a C-section.

If you’d like to read D’s entire birth story, it’s over here. This post will probably be long enough on its own without adding all those pages too.

But to sum things up, she came out too quickly for me to even have a chance to ask for pain meds or an epidural, it hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before, it was probably the most strenuous activity of my entire life (even though the actual delivery part only lasted for 20 minutes), and fortunately I only had a tiny bit of tearing with a few stitches. Now, onto the fun part…

After giving birth, your body is pretty much like what the fuck did you just do to me? It hurts, I won’t lie.

I mean think about it. A small opening increases to over 10x its regular size, then you have to push a large object with shoulders and limbs through it using your pelvic muscles (well, and pretty much every other muscle in your entire body). So it’s no surprise that after that trauma you’re a little messed up for a while.

I was very fortunate with my experience – besides going quickly, I was in pretty good shape physically afterward and only took ibuprofen once or twice in the following days.

Funny story about that too – they give you permission to take a huge super dose of the stuff after delivery, and you can call the nurses for more powerful pain relievers if you need, too. I didn’t read all the sheets they gave me about the dosages, so only took the usual 1 or 2 pills. When I told the nurses this, since they were surprised I wasn’t asking for anything whenever they came to our room, they just laughed, saying I could have been taking like 3 times what I had. Oops. Oh well, I was just happy I didn’t need it.

But back to the point here. So in the 2 days after D was born while I was in the hospital, they had me take stool softeners. Not to make me go (the thought of which scared the bejesus out of me after what had just happened down there), but to make it a little easier when the time came.

And that time didn’t come until shortly after we had gotten home, so sometime in the afternoon of the second day after my delivery. That was fine by me – I would’ve put it off forever if I could have.

Even just peeing afterward was a struggle – the first time I went after delivery I think they had me go in one of those plastic bedpan things, just to make sure everything went ok (i honestly can’t remember if they did anything with that pan of pee, or if they just needed to make sure i could go).

Then instead of wiping they had me wash myself off with a little squirt bottle that I’d fill up with warm water. Thank god. Using toilet paper was another frightening prospect at that point.

And all the “accessories” I had to wear? Geez.

They give you gigantic pads to soak everything up, as well as ice packs to put in your underwear on top of the pads. Those things saved me – they’re big long pad-shaped packs that you crack and then enjoy the icy goodness to help reduce the swelling.

And the best part was they give you an endless supply of everything you need in your bathroom. I was like fill em up! I got multiple refills of both the pads and ice packs. For as little as you really feel like going to the bathroom after delivery, the more often you change those ice packs and nasty dirty pads the better. I think I changed things at least once every hour or two, whenever I could feel the coolness subsiding.

Ok, now this part is extremely gross, so just beware. (no, seriously, BEWARE if you read ahead!)

When we were moved up to our actual hospital room from the delivery room, the nurses said to call them right away if I passed any blood clots bigger than the size of a golf ball. I was like ew, ok. I was obviously bleeding, but nothing out of the ordinary for post-delivery.

Well, as soon as I stood up for the first time up in our room (i think i was walking over to look at d in her little bed), I felt something very big and slippery slide out between my legs.

Oh my holy god, what was that??

I told R that I was afraid something nurse-worthy was happening, and went into the bathroom to investigate. Yep, there it was – a big, maybe 3-golf-ball-sized clot, just chillin’ on my giant pad.

Ok, disgusting. I’d better call the nurse.

She came in, put on her latex gloves, and mushed the thing around between her fingers to see what was going on (sick!!). Fortunately it looked normal, there was no need for alarm, and it was the only one I passed. Gross, the fun continues.

I guess that clot was what the placenta looked like, because I didn’t see that in the delivery room (sorry, i warned you this part was nasty).

After that it was just the bleeding to deal with, which was like the heaviest period ever times about 10. Plus each time the nurses came in to check on me they pushed on my abdomen to make sure my uterus was contracting properly, which not only hurt, but caused more blood to come out.

Fortunately everything went perfectly, and it was back down better than they expected by the time we went home. (my bleeding continued for about a month, finally tapering off completely by 6 weeks after. it obviously wasn’t so heavy that whole time, but still enough to need the pads)

My first shower post-delivery was quite the experience too.

I hadn’t stood for that long of a time since giving birth, and felt pretty weak. I had showered just shortly before we went to the hospital the day I gave birth, so I didn’t shower again until I think the second day after, before we went home. Maybe it was the afternoon of the day after, I don’t really remember. But anyway, it was a chore.

It took a really long time, I was nervous washing off the busted open area for fear of catching a stitch on the washcloth so just kind of patted things down there, and I didn’t know if it was going to sting getting soap in that general vicinity. I didn’t have any stinging fortunately, but the washcloth and towel I used to dry off both went directly in the laundry when I was done.

I’m telling ya – it’s a dirty job, this labor and delivery thing.

And now for the part you’ve all been waiting for – the pooping.

I was so scared of it. I was convinced it was going to rip everything back open down there, and I just didn’t want to do it.

So once we got home and I felt the urge, I warned both R and my mom (who came up the day after D was born and stayed with us for another couple days) to ignore any screams they may hear emanating from the bathroom, but if I wasn’t out in like an hour maybe give a friendly knock on the door to make sure I hadn’t passed out from the pain.

So I took some baby wipes in (hell no was i even going to try to use t.p. are you kidding me?!), sat down, and prepared for the worst.

You should’ve seen me – I was seriously acting like I’d never pooped before and didn’t even know what to do. It took forever for me to just relax and get the show on the road because I was so fearful.

But whaddya know? It ended up being much less traumatic than I expected. Thanks to the Colace they’d had me on for the past couple days things just kind of slid out without too much pushing on my part. And the gentle touch of the baby wipes was much friendlier than toilet paper ever would have been, so the clean-up wasn’t too bad.

Whew! You have no idea how relieved I was that was over.

So, there you have it. The messy aftermath of vaginal childbirth. Fun stuff, eh?

Like I said, I was lucky not to really have much pain at all afterward, so I didn’t have to deal with taking any meds home other than the occasional ibuprofen. And by my 6 week postpartum checkup, all the stitches had healed and dissolved completely, and my doctor couldn’t even tell there had been a tear at all. Sweetness.

Now, here are my tips for l&d:

  • Don’t take any cute pjs that you think you’ll want to wear for delivery. In case you missed it above, this is a very messy process, and things get bloody. Let the hospital gowns get soiled, not your own stuff.
  • Do take some comfy clothes to wear after delivery, once you’ve had a chance to clean up a little. I did wear their gowns for at least the whole first day and a half, though. Pack your nursing bras and tanks if you get some. This is the perfect time to start getting used to them once you’re out of the gowns.
  • Stock up on pads before delivery – I got a bunch of the ultra thin super absorbency ones. Super absorbency will definitely be the order of the day, so getting them as thin as possible was much more comfortable than the huge bulky ones they gave me in the hospital.
  • They gave me both a numbing spray and cream in the hospital, in case I needed some extra help on top of the ice packs. If you use the numbing spray, spray it on the pad or ice pack in your underwear, not directly on yourself. I used it once, and couldn’t even imagine spraying anything directly on my poor lady bits after that experience.
  • Take the ice packs home! I lived on those things, literally, for days after delivery.

I’m sure I missed some gory details in there somewhere, so for those of you with upcoming deliveries, feel free to ask away! This was a fun one, wasn’t it? 😉

 

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Ok, back to milk for a second

I know I’m done with the whole breast milk thing and all, and I know how much you miss me talking about my boobs, so I thought I’d throw you a bone. A while ago I linked to a post from What the Blog? where Jenny was asking readers to comment on breastfeeding recommendations, tips, products, etc. Well last week I saw that she has now compiled all the feedback she got from that post into one giant breastfeeding guide. Check it out here.

 

Her post got me thinking about what breastfeeding advice I would give, so I thought I’d make a little list for any of you moms-to-be who are planning on breastfeeding or interested. A lot of this is contained in Jenny’s post as well, so you might get a double dose.

  • Take the nurses’ advice on positioning the baby, positioning your breasts, etc., when you’re in the hospital after delivery and trying this out for the first time. I had no idea how to do it or what was going to happen, so having them there to guide me was essential. I never used a lactation consultant, either, so they were my main resource.
  • It will hurt at first, both inside and out. Having baby’s mouth sucking away on your nipple is a sensation that takes some getting used to, and it also causes your uterus to contract, which can feel like, you guessed it, mild contractions. It’s a little painful, but normal, and is key to getting your body back to normal. Contracting uterus = flatter stomach
  • Drink LOTS of water. I don’t know why, but nursing makes you extremely thirsty. I always had water with me when I fed D or pumped.
  • Make sure you eat enough. You need to keep up your calorie intake to make enough milk. Depending on how much you produce and how often baby eats, you can burn like 500 calories a day just by breastfeeding. Feeling ravenously hungry? Eat!
  • Feed on demand. Don’t try to put a newborn on a schedule, it won’t work. You might feel like you’re constantly feeding him/her for a while, but that will subside and more of a routine will emerge. The cluster feedings may return during growth spurts, but by then you’ll be used to them and know better how to handle it.
  • At first, feed baby on one side for 5-10 minutes, then the other. This helps get both breasts going right. After a couple days I dropped this pattern and just fed D on one side at a time, but this is what the nurses recommended right after she was born and it worked for me. Before your milk comes in and you’re still producing colostrum, this also helps make sure the baby is getting enough to eat.
  • Some people may yell at me for saying this one, but don’t wake the baby up to feed. He/she will wake up soon enough once discovering the hunger; you don’t have to worry about anyone starving to death. Yeah, it might throw that day’s schedule a tad out of whack for a little while, but honestly, in those first few weeks after baby’s born, everything seems out of whack. It’ll be ok. And if you get a surprise long stretch between feedings while baby decides to sleep, you should try to do the same. You never know when an opportunity like that will present itself again. (i promise i’m really not trying to scare you guys, i’m just being honest. it gets better, don’t worry)
  • When baby wakes up for those nighttime feedings (or even daytime ones, for that matter), a diaper change before feeding helps wake them up a little more. Being more awake will help the efficiency of the feeding. A baby who is still basically asleep can take for-ever to nurse, just fyi. And when you’re up 2, 3, a million times a night, a fast feeding will be very welcome.
  • Make sure you burp the baby often enough. Sometimes burping during a feeding as well as at the end helps get the air out and lets baby eat more comfortably. Along with this, have plenty of burp rags on hand. We burned through many every day when D was real little.
  • I always tucked a burp rag over the bottom part of my bra and let it hang down the front of me while D nursed. This saved many shirts from drool, milk, and spit up that would occasionally fall out of her mouth.
  • Having a watch or timer near where you nurse is very helpful in figuring out baby’s rhythm. I mentally kept track of how long she ate each time, and if you’re alternating sides during feedings you’ll be able to see when time’s up to switch. It also helped me keep track of how long it had been between each feeding. By the time I went back to work and R took over on parental leave, I was writing down D’s feeding times so he could see what her schedule was each day.
  • Determine which position is most comfortable for you for feeding. I always did the standard cradle hold with D.
  • I’m fairly indifferent on the boppy nursing pillows. I did get one, but pretty much never used it for nursing. I just found it easier to hold D in my arms than rest her on a pillow, or however you’re supposed to use it. It ended up getting used more to prop her up so she didn’t fall all over the couch when she was really little. And we did set her in it sometimes when she fell asleep, which I know you’re not supposed to do. Oops. She survived.
  • Get lanolin for your nipples when they get sore. I put it on after each feeding and after every shower for the first couple months. Watch out, though, because it will leave greasy marks on your clothes if it gets on them. It’s like a really thick vaseline type substance. I used Lansinoh.
  • Get nursing pads to protect your bras from leaks, dribbles, and lanolin stains. I liked the disposable ones best, since you’ll have plenty of laundry to deal with anyway. Again, I used the Lansinoh ones.
  • Comfortable nursing bras are a must. The ones I liked best were from Destination Maternity. Just their brand, not the expensive A Pea in the Pod ones. I got 3 – 2 neutral beige and 1 black. I wore them every day until I stopped pumping and they were lifesavers. You’ll also want some comfy sleep bras. I liked these, again from Destination Maternity.
  • Get some good nursing tank tops. These were especially useful for me, since D was born in the summer and it was HOT. But even if you deliver in the winter months they’ll still be handy and comfortable to wear around the house since you’ll be keeping it warm enough in there for baby anyway. I bought some from the Gap which weren’t the greatest and one turned into my sleeping tank, but I loved this one from Destination Maternity. I could put the nursing pads right in the cups and not even have to wear a bra with it. Sense a pattern with that place? They really do know their stuff.
  • If you’re setting up a dedicated nursery room for the baby, getting a glider or rocking chair of some sort is a good idea. I liked the kind with the matching gliding ottoman. Here’s the one we got, and I have spent countless hours in it. I still give D her morning and bedtime bottles in it, and probably will for as long as she takes them.
  • If you will be nursing in public, or maybe in front of people when they’re at your house, I highly recommend a nursing cover. I never ended up having to nurse D in public and would just go in her room to feed her if people were over, so I actually never used mine. But having it just in case isn’t a bad idea.
  • Get a good pump. Even if you don’t think you’ll need it right away, get it before baby is born. If you have supply issues, or baby doesn’t latch properly, or it just takes a while for the whole breastfeeding thing to click, pumping will be very important to get your supply going and maintained until baby will nurse. Or if you do end up with a long stretch between feedings, you might need to express some milk so your boobs don’t explode you stay comfortable. It’s also great to be able to have some bottles on hand if you’re going the breast milk route for those times when you have to go out somewhere with the baby or have someone else feed him/her while you’re gone or sleeping (sleeping? ha! i meant trying to sleep. or do laundry, or take a shower, or go to the bathroom, or eat…). I recommend a double electric pump. This is the one I got, and it worked like a charm. Medela also has a totally hands-free version that comes with a bra that holds the breast shields in place, but it’s obviously more expensive. I did get a little cheapie single hand pump for when I had to go places where I still needed to express but couldn’t take my big double pump bag. Like Camp Randall. Not kidding. Excuse me, what’s that in your purse? Oh that, don’t mind that, it’s just my breast pump. 😛
  • To go with that pump, get the quick clean wipes. Are you really going to want or have time to clean all the parts in soap and water after each use? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Neither did I. I did also get the steam clean bags, but I only used one once. I did use it again when I put the pump away for good (you can use each bag up to 20 times), but I don’t know if they’re really necessary or not. I think one even comes with the pump, so maybe just try that one out and see if you’ll need more before you get a whole box of them.
  • Get some extra bottles and nipples, preferably ones that are compatible with whatever pump you get. That pump above comes with 4-5 oz. bottles and lids, but only 1 wide base slow flow nipple, which is what newborns use. I got an extra set of the 5 oz. bottles as well as a set of 8 oz. bottles with medium flow nipples for ages 4+ months. Right now Medela only makes slow and medium flow nipples, so now sometimes D sucks the nipples flat trying to get milk out faster, but I think they’re fine. We have a whole bunch of other bottles that we’ve never even used. I asked for and received a nice set of BornFree bottles at one of our showers, which was the brand one of my girlfriends recommended when I was pregnant, but we’ve honestly only used one of them to put water in for D. The Medela bottles have been our go-to because they attach directly to the pump. This tended to be much easier for me than pumping into the storage bags, especially if I knew D would be taking the bottles soon after I pumped them (i.e., when I pumped at work and we would send those bottles to daycare with her the next day). I did, however, pump dozens, if not hundreds, of the 5 oz. storage bags full when I knew we would be freezing the milk instead. Medela has actually changed the style of their storage bags even since I started pumping last year, and they now come with an adapter to screw onto the pump instead of attaching the bag with an adhesive paper strap. Much nicer.
  • These were 2 sites I used a lot during the first weeks after D was born to help with breast milk guidelines:  LLLI, About.com.

 

Sorry, I guess that turned out to be more than a little list. But hopefully you find something of use in there somewhere. I know when I started breastfeeding I was like wtf?? Clueless. I’ll probably even have to look back on these notes the next time around myself.

 

(some of the links above are affiliate links, but every product i mentioned i either bought myself or was given as a shower gift, and i would personally recommend all of them)

 

 

 

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Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy – #3

The more I add to this little series, the more I think I should change the title. Because none of this stuff is secret, really, it’s more like I just didn’t know it going in. I don’t want to lead anyone on in thinking I’m revealing all these never-before known gems or anything, they were just my experiences. So what do we think? Do you care what it’s called? Should it just be “Things about pregnancy”? Should I just shut up and leave it?

So here’s my next one – parts of your body that have so far remained fairly dormant will begin taking on a life of their own.

Well duh, there’s a tiny human in there, of course your body’s going to change. Things stretch (what’s with that gross dark line running down the center of your belly?), things swell (have you seen your ankle bones lately?), and some things will never be the same again (the va-j? TOTALLY different from this day forward, assuming no c-section).

No, I mean parts that you didn’t even think would have anything to do with being pregnant.

When I got pregnant I obviously expected my stomach area to get huge, and probably an overall general weight gain evenly dispersed across my body. What I did not expect was that my ass would suddenly decide that it wanted to encompass a zip code all its own. I’m not kidding – it GREW!

I’ve always been relatively thin, so had never really thought much about my butt. It has some roundness to it for sure, it’s not a pancake by any means, but I’ve never considered myself as having a ghetto booty, per se. Leave it to a growing baby to change all that. Apparently fetuses enjoy feasting on large ass cheeks, and mine obliged accordingly.

Whatever, SM, your butt didn’t get that big when you were pregnant.

Ha! That’s where you’re wrong! I give you Exhibit A:

4 weeks, 5 days pregnant - notice the fairly small bum

And now I give you Exhibit B (keep in mind D was born at 38 weeks, 6 days):

38 weeks pregnant - BLADDOW!

Or, if you prefer, a side-by-side comparison:

Note there's a shadow behind the 1st one too, making the backside seem a little larger than it actually was in the starting picture

Baby got back! Seriously, you could rest a drink on that thing by the time I gave birth.

The photos are a little deceiving though, because what they don’t show is how wide that area became as well. I’ve never been very “hippy” either, but man did I spread out during those 9 months. I know that’s normal and it’s just your body getting ready for the baby to pass through the birth canal, but still. I didn’t know I was going to expand to such an extent in my derriere.

What was also weird to me was that my butt and hips were the very first things to change and grow once I got pregnant. Before there was any sign of an expanding belly, the seats and thighs of all my pants were already tighter. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that my hunger was suddenly insatiable and focused primarily on greasy foods like cheeseburgers and pizzas, and exercise was pretty nonexistent, but whatever.

On a side note, but still pregnancy related, I found out last week that 3 more of my friends are pregnant!! That makes like a million girls I know now that are due sometime within the next 7-8 months. I may be verging on having more pregnant friends right now than non-pregnant friends. So crazy. I can’t wait to meet all these little squirts. D will be the “big kid” and boss everyone around, I’m sure. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s kind of making my ovaries start to twitch a little…

 

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Another F

I had to give myself another F for Mommy for Saturday. The story goes a little something like this…

D’s torso and head were covered with a red, slightly raised rash Saturday morning, so I called her doctor’s after hours care line. Fortunately her doctor was at their clinic taking patients that morning, so we got her last appointment and headed in. Turns out D’s allergic to the antibiotic that was prescribed for her double ear infection last week. Awesome. Her doctor said it was either that or roseola (very similar symptoms – spiking fever followed by a rash in the shape of rose petals once the fever subsides, and apparently D’s just the right age for it), except roseola doesn’t itch. And as R put it, D was itching like a motherfucker. I’ve never seen her rub and scratch at her head like she did all day and night Saturday. Ok, allergic reaction it is, says the doc. And her ears of course weren’t better, so the doctor prescribed a different antibiotic for those and recommended children’s Benadryl to help get rid of the itch. Okey dokey, back to Walmart we went to get the medicine. My favorite place on Earth. (please sense the dripping sarcasm)

Why did we have to put her right away on another antibiotic instead of letting the allergy-causing one get fully out of her system before trying something new, you may ask? Well you see, we’re heading on vacation in less than 2 weeks’ time for a week, wherein we will have no cell phone or internet service, so if we need D to be on medicine to clear all this shit up we have to get her on it with time to spare to see the doctor again before we leave to make sure all the nastiness is finally gone. Whew.

They gave her the first dose of Benadryl at the doctor’s office to help her stop scratching, and by the time we got home from Walmart D was exhausted. So I gave her a bottle (she didn’t want any lunch) and put her down for a nap pretty much right away. R left for the afternoon to go to a WI craft beer festival, so it was just me and D. Little did I know what was in store for us. I thought great, she’s down for a nice long nap, I’ll sit out in the sun for a little bit to catch some rays, then get the house cleaned before R gets home. No sweat. HA! Damn, SM, why do you keep thinking your luck is so good? Let’s just say things didn’t go exactly as I had planned or hoped.

D napped for maybe half an hour the entire rest of the day. And that was from about 5 combined attempts, minimum, before R even got home. I knew from my days on maternity leave that accomplishing stuff around the house is a carefully choreographed art involving a combination of stealth and acute time management during the precious minutes of baby’s slumber. An art, I may add, that I mastered. I could get every chore and all the laundry done while D napped, no problem. So I thought yesterday was going to be a breeze. However, the doctor and pharmacist only mentioned that Benadryl may make D drowsy, not turn her into a demon spawn. I have never seen her so upset and miserable. This rash itched her so badly she clawed at her head constantly, and every time I tried to put her down it was like her crib was a bed of pins and broken glass. So she didn’t want to sleep, she didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want to take her medicine, she didn’t want to be put down, and then she’d decide she didn’t want to be held either. Well what the hell?? I couldn’t win – I couldn’t make her stop hurting, I couldn’t make her happy, I couldn’t get anything done, I just felt like a total failure. By the end of the afternoon I had reached my breaking point. I couldn’t take it any longer. She kept screaming harder and harder and nothing I did was working or seemed to be right, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I put her in her crib and walked away. If I couldn’t just have 5 minutes to get 1 thing done, I was afraid I was going to scream at the top of my lungs, and then what would the neighbors think?

I felt horrible. I was so mad, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. I wasn’t mad at her, I was mad at it, the sickness that was torturing her. I was so frustrated that I could neither placate her nor get anything accomplished, and it just took me to my boiling point. Of course R came home not 5 minutes after I’d left her crying in her crib, and when I said, “Welcome to hell,” he said, “Oh please, come on.” In case you were wondering, that was not the correct response. Yeah, you’ve been drinking beer out in the beautiful weather for 6 hours while I’ve been battling an inconsolable infant who’s sicker than she’s ever been. Come on? I’ll come on you with a swift kick to the nuts if you’re serious.

And so the evening continued. D alternating screaming with brief interludes of play and seeming relief, yet not going to bed, while R and I took turns trying to comfort her. What happened to the drowsiness of the Benadryl? Was that supposed to be a joke, or were they just flat out lying to me? For it seemed that drowsiness was the last side effect it caused for D. Finally at 11:00, hours after her normal bedtime, I was able to get her to sleep after a bottle. Ahh, fingers crossed. Holy hell! 1 hour later and she was back up crying. It was during this round of trying to get her back to sleep that Ryan said we were going to have to take shifts, I told him to just go back to bed, and he told me not to get mad, as I was holding the sleepless, writhing, monster that had possessed our child. “I CAN’T HELP IT!” I shouted. Seriously! I couldn’t. After that day and that night and my feeling completely inadequate, all I could do was get mad. But again, I wasn’t mad at him, I wasn’t mad at her, I was just mad. Because what else could I do? I had no more nice, patient Mommy left. It ran out hours ago. I know that wasn’t the right answer, but it was the only one I had at that point. And then an hour later, she was back in bed. Only to wake up at 3:50, when R had to take her out to the couch again, like we did earlier in the week.

And I had planned on being the one up early with D yesterday so R could sleep in on Father’s Day, then here he was the one dealing with her in the wee hours of the morning. Plus I didn’t wake up until 8, when he stomped into the bedroom to get his cup of water. Shit. Another F. When I saw what time it was I felt terrible, I’d ruined his Father’s Day morning. So I quickly got up, took over the D patrol, and he instantly climbed into bed. I thought maybe just not being around was what he wanted, so I took D to the store to get milk and diapers, since we’d run out of both during the night in her maelstrom of sickness and itch. I ended up driving around with her for a couple hours since she fell asleep and I knew he would be too, then I stopped at McDonald’s for his favorite breakfast items just before they switched over to lunch, to try to do something right.

I hate those days. Those days where all forces combine to create the perfect storm of my parenting failure, and I just can’t take it. I did what I could and it just wasn’t good enough. What else am I supposed to do?

 

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Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy – #2

I guess I should clarify and say that these posts are more things I didn’t know about pregnancy, not things that no one before me has ever known about it. And I’m sure all of them can actually be found in the multitude of books out there somewhere and you may even know about or have experienced them all yourself, but these are mainly the things that struck me as weird or unusual or just something I never expected to happen. So take them all for what they’re worth, if you will.

But moving right along, this one can be called “Smell-A-Vision”.

I had heard that some women get a ridiculously keen sense of smell when they get pregnant, but that’s not exactly what happened to me. It’s more like my smells got all fucked up. There really just is no better way to put it – my favorite scents all of a sudden made my stomach turn, just like that.

In about week my sixth week of pregnancy I came down with a cold that I then couldn’t shake for approximately the next 6-8 weeks. It was awful. I don’t consider it morning sickness because it wasn’t any of those typical symptoms, it was just a stupid winter cold that then morphed into a hacking, sleep-robbing cough. It was miserable. And of course, being newly pregnant, I couldn’t take any medicine that actually worked to get rid of it. The non-drowsy, pregnancy-friendly version of cough medicine? Worthless.

But it was during this time that my nose went haywire. Every single fragrance in the house became my enemy. My favorite perfumes and candles triggered my gag reflex. I’m not kidding, I had to get rid of each and every bottle of lotion, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, etc., and start completely over with the most unscented ones I could find. This made me especially mad because I had just stocked up on all environmentally-friendly products, and I had to junk them all or give them away. And that shit is expensive! Then even the unscented scent started to make me ill. Even if I smelled someone else using one of those products I would get quasi-nauseous.

And just the thought of the smell of certain foods was enough to make me want to puke, too. Right before I got sick (and before anyone besides me and R knew I was pregnant) we had been down at a holiday cocktail party at my mom’s house, and she sent home bags and bags full of leftover food – mini-egg rolls, meatballs, stuffed mushroom caps, the like, and to this day I still have a hard time eating some of those things because of the memory of that illness and how smelling them made me feel then. Super weird, I know.

There was one episode in particular that about made me die – about the same time as that cocktail party, R had gotten a bag full of various types of meat from a butcher that was going out of business in our area and he stuck the whole thing in the refrigerator. So then each time you opened the fridge this vicious combination of meat and leftover party food wafted out, and I swear to you I could be all the way in our living room and almost pass out from that noxious odor. Of course he thought I was crazy – who doesn’t like the smell of all different types of cured meat marinating together in a bag? Barf!

I have now finally gotten pretty much back to normal smell-wise, but it seriously has taken me almost this long. I just recently started wearing perfume again, finding one I used to wear that I can tolerate and actually like. And there are still some of those body products that I can’t use – there’s one type of lotion in particular that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to use again, since the smell of it still makes me batty. Even smelling particular scents in my mom’s house that are the same as when we were down there that holiday season takes me back to that time and are not friendly to my head.

Oh man, I need to go take a deep breath of fresh air after reliving my smell-a-vision horrors.