Category: Me Myself & I

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Week 1 vs. Week 20

I did it. I made it through my first trial as a solo parent and we all survived swimmingly. No broken bones, no lost children, no burned down house. Success!

Ryan was out of town from Monday night through today, so I had the girls at home by myself. Fortunately we drove down to my mom’s house yesterday afternoon so I didn’t have to spend that entire time fully alone, but still a good chunk of it. And just like last week, I’m pretty damn proud of myself.

I was a little leery of having to do both bedtimes with no help all week since that is my absolute least favorite time of day, but it ended up being a piece of cake. Della has been having some bedtime issues and slept in my bed 2 of the nights, but after night 1 of being kicked in the back for 8 hours I learned to barricade her on Ryan’s side with blankets so I could get a little better sleep the second night. I figured that was just easier than trying to get her to stay in her own bed over and over and over and over and over until I died of exhaustion and frustration. Pick your battles, people.

I think Lana has been going through some 4 month sleep regression, too, so I was afraid that did not bode well for a week alone either. I had never heard of this until I read this post awhile ago, but it all sounds like what we’ve been dealing with with Lana – waking up crying shortly after going to bed when I know she’s not hungry or wet, no longer sleeping anywhere close to through the night, having maximum night sleep stretches of 3-4 hours tops, and starting to wake up 2 or more times a night again with the only solution being nursing her back to sleep. Ridiculous. I was starting to go zombie again until I figured out what was going on. We were completely spoiled with Della since she slept through the night by 3 months of age and really had no consistent troubles that I can remember after that, but like I’ve said before, #2 here is just totally different.

That post I link to above by Brandy is an excellent reference for this, though. She has a number of links in there to other explanations of it, so I’m not going to bother repeating them here. But if you have a 4ish month old babe and are starting to go crazy with him/her suddenly breaking their new found sleeping abilities, read it. Fortunately I remembered it from when I read it the first time so I wasn’t totally shocked when Lana started doing this, but that still didn’t make the 12:00, 2:00, and 5:00 wake ups any easier. When she was a newborn, sure, those were expected. But at almost 5 months? No way, jack.

And unfortunately Monday night of this week was quite possibly the worst night she’s ever had in her almost 5 months on the outside. I shit you not. She woke up at 10:30 and I arm bounced her back to sleep; she woke again at 11:30 and refused to go back to sleep so I finally fed her again to quiet the screaming and put her back in her crib between 12:30-1; she started crying again but I was fed up with the antics and just let her test her lungs that time because I knew she just needed sleep, and fortunately she finally quieted herself after a few minutes; but then she woke again at 5:05 to eat before going back to sleep for a couple hours until her wake up for the day. I didn’t have to work on Tuesday so was hoping to sleep in a little after that night at the freak show, but Della got up at 7:30. Boo. No rest for the weary.

I worked Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week, so we’ll throw that into the mix of being on my own too. Actually, I guess that gave me a little break from them for those shifts, so that worked out ok. Plus getting the 3 of us ready in the mornings and to work on time is becoming much easier, so that part really wasn’t so bad. It was just knowing there was going to be no one at home later in the day to play with them that had me a little worried, but those worries turned out to be completely unfounded. I recorded the movie “Tangled” a few months ago, so Della and I watched that at night before bed and she loved it.

There were a couple wrenches in the week, however, because why wouldn’t there be? Murphy’s Law dictates that nothing in our household may run smoothly, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Our recycling bin got frozen to the ground in a glacier of ice during the thaw and refreeze last week, which I never even gave thought to until I tried to wheel it out to the curb Tuesday night and realized it was not going anywhere. I tried pouring hot water around it and whacking at the ice with a shovel, and I even tried melting the ice around the bottom with a blow torch, but that sucker wasn’t budging. Well yes, we have a blow torch, doesn’t everyone? I was just proud of myself for figuring out how to use it without burning my hands or having it blow up in my face. And no, I didn’t melt any of the recycling bin plastic, either.

Fortunately we have amazing neighbors who filled up bins of their own with our recycling so I could at least empty some of it and who came over with ice melter and spent over an hour melting and shoveling the thing out, as well as wheeling it out to the curb for me as I put the girls down for naps. We seriously live on the best block ever. So, per the recycling truck driver’s instructions, I just called the village once it was out and the truck came back the next day and picked it up right before we left for my mom’s house. Excellent.

We are now at the mecca that is “Bapa’s house!”, as Della would say, so thankfully my single parent status has come to an end. But it’s funny – all week I have been comparing how I fared now to how I fared the very first week I was home alone with these 2 after Ryan went back to work and my mom left after the week she spent with us after Lana’s birth, and it’s like night and day.

Week 1 I was still so new to this 2 kid game that I honestly had no idea how we were going to survive. Multiple naps, multiple meals for each, maybe a bathroom break for me, trying to keep the house in some semblance of order, and feeling that total fog of new parenthood again. It was so hard. I kept everything on an even keel, but that first week alone scared the living shit out of me.

Week 20 was the week of “I got this”. Sure there were some things that had me slightly worried, as I said above, but in general I went into it thinking why bother fretting, I have to do this. I almost saw it as a challenge that I wanted to blow out of the water instead of a chore. And I did. There were no meltdowns, I didn’t lose my temper with anyone, I got the house cleaned and laundry done, and we all had fun together, just Mama and her girls. Quite a different mindset from the beginning.

But am I happy to have helping hands again now? Oh hell yes.

L 1wk

week 1

L 20wks

week 20

 

 

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I’m a pretty damn good mom after all

That’s basically all I wanted to say, but it feels good to actually “say” it out loud. It feels like it’s taken a long time to get here. (even though i haven’t really been a mom all that long, but whatever)

Sure I have bad days, but I know I’m not alone in that. And lately the good days have begun to far, far outnumber the bad ones. I’m getting into the swing of my new job and loading the girls up to go with me there, and that new routine is finally starting to feel more natural.

Oh yeah, I got a job. I’m planning a bigger “update” post wherein I explain all that, but in a nutshell I started working part-time at the front desk at the gym to which I’ve belonged for years. So far it’s going great. But like I said, more on that later.

This post is about me feeling good in my motherhood again. Being home with 2 is definitely harder than not being home with 1, since I worked full-time for the first 2 years of Della’s life. And as I’ve admitted before, it was a lot harder than I expected and allowed myself to believe at first. But honestly I do feel like I’m better getting the hang of it all.

Della and Lana are my little buddies now instead of simply my charges. Della gets excited to go to “Mama’s new work”, especially when we pack up her lunchbox. One of the girls in the kids care room where D & L go while I work told me this morning that Della was having a blast showing off her “new lunchbox” to everyone. I love how she refers to it as that, since we’ve had it in the cupboard for years. New to her though, I guess.

And Lana is definitely mellowing and becoming more fun to be around. Her crying jags are much fewer and far between, and dare I say on their way out? Now when she cries I know she’s obviously hungry or sleepy, depending on the time of day (or night still, unfortunately). Her smiles and huge blue eyes are the most beautiful things ever, and the chatter she squawks out is hysterical.

Seeing little shining moments in the girls’ days are also helping confirm my new found Mama conviction. When I dropped the two of them off in the kids care room at work today, Della walked over to a little boy who was standing near the cabinets by the sink. He must have been about her age, as he was a little shorter than her. She just wanted to see what he was doing, but when she walked up, he put his hand up on her chest in a “go away” motion. Instantly, flashbacks of those little bitches at the family party came back to me and I was heart-broken again. (what, i can call them that, they’re family) She didn’t see me watching this, however, and she went and sat down at one of the little tables in the room by herself.

I told this tale to that same girl who works in the kids care room later in the morning when she was out at the front desk, and she said oh poor Della! Yeah, that’s what I thought too! But she said don’t worry, they started coloring right after that and she was totally fine. Incident long forgotten. Which I assumed, but I was just happy to know that Della didn’t push the kid back or anything like that. She just walked away and did her own thing. I’d like to think I had a hand in forming her sweet, mild nature, but maybe it’s just innate. I’ll keep telling myself I at least helped, though.

So that’s all. I just felt really good about myself and the girls today, and wanted to write that out. Thank you for listening, as always.

Li really, really love this little face.

Dthe constant wonder in her eyes is such a marvelous thing.

 

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The midnight hours

You know the ones. The ones where the house is still. The ones where the messes are cleaned. The ones where the mouths are silent and the bodies are tucked snugly in bed. The ones where all is quiet.

Except my mind.

It’s deep in the heart of early morning, and Lana has just gone back down after her (usually) once-nightly feeding. I climb wearily back into bed and listen to her trying to drift back off to the land of nod. Sometimes she does it; sometimes she needs a little help from her friend Blue, a.k.a. the pacifier.

So wouldn’t it rightly follow that I should do the same?

One would think, yes.

But no. That’s usually when it starts. That’s when my brain decides to wake up, instead of saving its capacity for the daytime hours, when I really need it.

I need to make a checklist for the store. What do I need to get done around the house tomorrow? Or, more correctly, I guess it’s really today now. What are Della and I going to do today? When is such-and-such going to get done on the house? How should we do such-and-such on the house? Who needs to be bathed today? Should I make coffee when I get up or go right to breakfast if I have time?

Who cares??

Just settle and enjoy the last hours of the night. You need to. Whatever comes today will take care of itself, with no worrying from your midnight thoughts needed.

Just go.

Sleep… sleep… sleep…

 

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Lost

“I just don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore…”

I’ve often heard people say things along those lines and could never really understand what they meant. What do you mean you don’t feel like you? That doesn’t make any sense. Until now.

I just don’t feel like “me” anymore.

I don’t feel like Jocelyn; I just feel like a random “her”.

I spend my days at home being a mom right now, but that’s all I do. And I don’t think I’m a particularly good one much of the time either, so that’s a kick in the ass. I’m sure Ryan would rate me pretty low on the scale of wife-dom too, since most of the time he’s home after work I’m wrangling one or both of the kids and spending the entire evening dealing with bedtimes and cleaning up messes. Do I feel like talking about anything once that’s done? No. Lovely.

When I look in the mirror I see tired, boring, plain, not necessarily unhappy, but just un-. Where did I go? I used to see really happy, pretty, fun, if I do say so myself.

Lost.

How do I get un-lost?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for all that I have – a great husband, 2 incredible daughters, a home, food on the table, a wonderful family, our health. Which actually makes me feel worse – like how dare I get down on myself when I have so much that’s good? What do I have to whine about?

I don’t know when I got lost either. Fairly recently, I guess. Maybe it’s not having a job to make me feel like I contribute? Maybe I’m no good at having a toddler and an infant at the same time? Maybe it’s my growing dislike of winter? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t gotten any real, heart-pumping exercise in months (which definitely needs to change now that i’ve gotten the all-clear after having lana)? Maybe 33 is the age where I just start to suck in general? Who knows.

I don’t feel depressed in the clinical sense, so please don’t send me a list of meds or therapists. I don’t not want to get out of bed; I don’t not get stuff done that needs to be done; I don’t not.

I just don’t feel quite like me right now. I feel an overall sense of blah, if you will. Unfortunately, it’s not becoming on me.

So maybe it’s a good thing 2012 is on its way out tonight. Besides the birth of our second daughter, the beautiful Baby Lana, this year can suck it. I lost my job, and now I seem to have lost me.

I hope I find her again in 2013.

 

 

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Exhale

Christmas tree

Here I sit at 9:30 on a Thursday night. Folding the last of the day’s laundry by the light of the Christmas tree, Lana drifting off to sleep on the couch beside me. Her snuffles and grunts on the pacifier are slowly becoming quieter the closer she gets to the night’s slumber. Not that folding laundry is a particularly sentimental activity, it just happened to be what I was doing when the mood to type struck. I don’t mind it either. I’d much rather be folding laundry than ironing. Bleh. And have you ever folded size 2T/3T underwear? The fact that they even make butts that tiny is hysterical enough to make the activity almost enjoyable.

Della has just gone to bed and fortunately didn’t pull another round of crying as soon as I shut the door. That’s been her trick lately. Well, that and throwing a crying/whining fit before bed to try and avoid it all together. “Me sit Mama baby.” No, you already sat with Mama and Baby Lana. “Me sit Dada.” (increasingly whiny and teary) No, you already sat with Dada. “Me watch Do-do” (a.k.a Dora) Hell no, child. It’s bedtime.

I did just hear a thunk against the wall, though, which usually means she’s out and has rolled over to knock one of her million stuffed toys into the wall next to her bed. It’s probably the light-up ladybug that projects stars and the moon onto the ceiling and walls, which is her new favorite. A gift from one of Ryan’s cousins for Lana actually, but D has commandeered it until L needs it. Which, my guess is, will be never, or at least until D gives it up willingly. So, never.

This has been a week for the record books around here. All 4 of us have been simultaneously sick. Urg. It started last weekend, when both Ryan and I felt the early twinges of sore throats and headaches. Fortunately mine progressed from there, as it usually does, into just a full-blown head cold. Unfortunately Ryan and D bore the brunt. Ryan has been home sick the past 2 days, which I think is a record for him, with fever, aches, chills/sweats, all over nasty. D barfed Monday and yesterday, but now seems to be on the mend with just the remnants of a runny nose left so far. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, however. L has gotten super congested again, but thankfully I think that is the extent of her cold. I hate when infants get sick, because what can you really do for them?

So we are anxiously awaiting the return of health within our walls. Needless to say moods will be improved all around when it comes. Not that we’ve been mean to each other, but being in the throes of the flu doesn’t really lend itself to robust conversation. Grunts and phrases have been our main modes of communication this week. Fortunately Ryan was feeling better today than yesterday and was able to help me take care of the tinies, but he’s still struggling and going to bed well before either of their bedtimes. So it again falls to me to get them ready and asleep, then finish up everything I need to do around the house. At least I was able to eat dinner before 10:00 tonight.

I do still need to clean up the kitchen. I actually cooked dinner tonight! It was a slow cooker beef bourguignon over egg noodles, which I thought was pretty good. Ryan said it was bland, but whatever. See, moods need to improve soon.

Right now, though, I think I’ll get L into her crib. Before she was born, I read a very helpful newborn trick for cold weather babies – put a heating pad in their crib to warm it up before you lay them down (remove it when they go in there, obviously), and they won’t be awakened so much by their head hitting a cold sheet. So far it’s worked wonders for L. She almost never wakes when I put her in there at bedtime or after her nightly feedings. And fortunately she doesn’t need this pacifier anymore once she’s asleep. She does get a little frantic looking for it when it falls out before she’s totally out, but once the eyelids have drooped for the last time she doesn’t need it to stay asleep or need it put back in if she wakes in the night. Hallelujah. That was one game I was completely unwilling to play – find and replace the pacifier. No way.

I know I should go to bed immediately once the kids are asleep, but these night time hours when I have the house to myself (who am i kidding – i mean the tv to myself) and everyone else is quiet are when I can get “me” stuff done – work on L’s baby book, clean up whatever messes have been left from the day, eat if I haven’t gotten around to it at regular meal times during the day (which is almost always these days), breathe. They help remind me that these peaceful times far outweigh the bad ones in this crazy, exhilarating, frightening, amazing thing we call parenthood. They help remind me why we are not one of the species who eats their young, but rather one who loves and embraces the next generation we have bred. For these tinies right here are going to grow up to be wonders. Our wonders.

See, just look at that face. A precious person in the making…

L

 

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Bad day

I feel like a complete and utter failure. It’s mid-day and I’ve yelled at Della more than once. I’ve put her in bed with no lunch because she refused to do the simplest of tasks and repeatedly screamed “No!” in my face. That obviously didn’t work as she screamed and flailed at me even more, so she finally got her lunch another half hour later after doing what I’d asked her long before. Then she started screaming again as I cleaned her up after lunch when I told her she couldn’t watch tv but had to take her nap. Why? Why so awful?

Lana has been piercing my eardrums with her siren wail all morning. And her simultaneous poopsplosion and 4 wave tsunami barf added one more bath to the to-do list today.

The fact that I still have to unload the dishwasher, finish up the two loads of laundry waiting downstairs, bake, go to the grocery store, and wrap presents does not add to my overall demeanor either. Why? What is it about today that needed to be so bad?

I feel ashamed and unhappy. I hate raising my voice and being mad at my children; that’s not right. But I guess almost 7 weeks with 2 of them was my breaking point. And just when I thought things were going so well and I’d gotten the hang of this motherhood thing.

 

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Through your eyes

Through your eyes it is simply incredible to see

Just how amazing and wondrous this big world can be.

Through your eyes it’s all new, it’s fun, and you grow every day;

From the things that you do to the words that you say.

You’re a big sister, my helper, and a wonderful kid;

Certainly one of the best things your dad and I ever did.

Through your eyes in this season, the holiday time of year,

The magic all comes alive with Santa and his reindeer.

You light up at their mention and you squeal, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

There’s no end to the places with your beautiful mind you can go.

Through your eyes the world is fine and happy and bright,

And my heart swells when I watch your sparkle and light.

You watch and you try and you learn and you play,

And I burst with pride as I see you finding your way.

Through your eyes I can see it all happen again;

This journey of life on which I have been.

There is so much out there for you to see and do,

And along the way I hope you’ll be as proud of me as I already am of you.

Through your eyes I’m your mama and your guiding light.

I hope and I pray that I do this all right.

You’re my heart and my soul; you mean the world to me.

Through your eyes I hope you always see the good, my sweet Della Jolee.