Category: Me Myself & I

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My year may have already been made

A few days ago, one of the guys with whom I work at the gym unknowingly handed me what may be the highest compliment a parent can ever receive. It came during a perfectly normal, mid-towel-folding conversation, but it really just made my heart so happy.

We were chatting while folding the never-ending mountains of towels, and he asked, “So what made you want to be a Mom?” (i write Mom with a capital M, because that’s just how the question looked in my head when he asked it) I kind of chuckled, thought a second, and then responded, “Well, actually I never really did.”

He looked pretty shocked to hear that answer until I further explained myself…

As most of you know, growing up I was never a girl who dreamed of the day she would become a mother. I was never really drawn to babies like some people are, I usually preferred to have other people’s kids stay with those people, and I was generally pretty selfish with my time and efforts, not really wanting to share my life with a tiny human. To me, kids were just a lot of work, they were loud and cranky, and they always got things dirty. None of which I really wanted a part.

That’s not to say I was ever against having children, I just never gave it much thought. I always assumed I’d have kids someday, but it was never a big gold star on my calendar.

When Ryan and I got married I knew he wanted children, and like I said I figured we’d have them eventually, but they were not on the near horizon. We had a blast in our 20s without the responsibilities of kids, and I enjoyed those years immensely.

As my 30th birthday approached, however, the notion that it may be time to start thinking a little more seriously about building the next generation began to creep into my brain. I knew getting older is generally not conducive to having babies, so that seemed like a good point in time to start planning our family.

Della was born when I was 31, and my view on children changed immediately and completely. It was the most amazingly wonderful feeling I had ever known, I thought my heart was going to burst with the new love and happiness we had created, and I instantly wanted more babies. That sentiment made us both laugh (me and the Ryan at the gym to whom i was talking, not my Ryan), because it sounds very weird to hear me say that almost the second I gave birth for the first time I was already looking forward to doing it all again. But I was. Maternal hormones are crazy things.

And I’ve loved being a Mom ever since. I even like other people’s kids now, too, *gasp!*.

Now here’s where the compliment came. When I finished relaying the tale of my journey to Motherhood, I asked him why he had asked. He said, “Well, you just always seem to have such a good handle on it all when I see you with your kids.”

I internally burst out laughing, thinking he must never notice me straggling through the doors of the gym with these 2 little girls dripping off me – my purse, the diaper bag, their insulated lunch bag, and Lana on my left arm and Della in my right hand, rushing to get everyone in the door before we all fall apart because I now always seem to be running late. Or maybe I really do look ok from the outside, when inside I’m trying to hold us all together with my brainwaves so we can JUST GET THERE ON TIME!

Either way, I was beyond flattered and actually speechless, so I just stuttered a very humble, “Really? Wow, thank you so much.”

I doubt he’ll ever know how much his saying those innocent enough words meant, but I will be forever grateful he did.

 

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Well…maybe not

So, try as I might, I’m afraid I will fail completely in getting any 2013 recap posts up here before 2014 is rung in. So sorry.

I do, however, have a number of those posts to share, so hopefully I’ll find the time before 2015 rolls around. But in the meantime, I do hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season, whichever holiday it is that you do (or don’t) celebrate.

Here’s 1 final parting shot from our family to you as we count down the days until 2014. May it bring us all nothing but the best. Happy New Year!!

Christmas '13(1)

 

 

 

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A revelation?

Or maybe more like me just finally making up my mind? Whichever.

But anyway, last week I got an email from a guy with whom I used to work at Stark saying that a hedge fund in Milwaukee had a trading position opening, and would I mind if he passed along my contact information? Sure, why not? Although I’m not actively searching for a full-time job again right now, it can’t hurt to just keep my name out there for any future possibilities. Right?

So I got a call from the CEO/head trader/all-around big wig of this company last Friday afternoon, before I had even had a chance to speak with a guy in Chicago who was actually the one who knows said CEO to find out any details of what the deal was. Confused yet? Yeah, so was I.

Here’s the skinny – the guy with whom I used to work heard about this opening from a broker who covers him in Chicago, and the guy in Chicago was to whom the guy I know gave my info. The guy I know didn’t give my info directly to the hedge fund, as he hadn’t even personally heard of them. Ok, whatever you say, sure I’ll talk to him.

So once I heard the voicemail from the hedge fund CEO, I contacted the Chicago guy to get some low-down. I didn’t want to just call the hedge fund back having no idea of any particulars and go into a potentially important conversation completely blind. Fortunately I was able to speak with the Chicago guy later on last Friday afternoon to find out what the hubbub was all about.

And the more he spoke, the more I involuntarily fell in love with the position. It sounded like almost exactly what I did at Stark, which is what I would ever want to do again if I were to reenter this field; he said it’s an extremely family-friendly company; they’ve all been together for over a decade with no one having ever left (this opening actually occurred because one of their traders passed away suddenly. yikes!); they trade very simple, straightforward North American stocks, with none of the incredibly complicated exotic securities that I had to wrestle with at Stark; and there are only 11-12 people in the entire firm.

I got off the phone and immediately told Ryan it sounded almost too good to be true. If I were to hand pick another full-time hedge fund job, this appeared to be the one. I started thinking that I might have no choice but to go back to a full-time gig due to this one in a million opportunity. I didn’t even want to begin thinking in that vein again, but it almost felt like I couldn’t not.

I didn’t want to bug the CEO over the long holiday weekend, since he had called me from his cell phone in Arizona, so I was going to just call him at the office this past Tuesday. Well he called me again first thing Tuesday morning when I was at work, so I finally spoke with him Tuesday afternoon and was meeting with him in their office by 5:00 that same day. Yowza!

I kept saying to Ryan that I just wished I would find 1 thing I didn’t like about this seemingly perfect job to make my decision to not want it plain and simple, but up to that point I couldn’t. I was so torn – I had been struggling all weekend with the thought of having to go back to that routine and trying to get both girls into our old daycare center within the next couple weeks if this all panned out as beautifully as it was presented vs. my obvious desire to stay home with them as long as possible when they’re little.

So off I went to the hedge fund Tuesday afternoon, my head swirling with the thought that I might actually be going back to work so suddenly.

And on my way there it hit me. This was not what I wanted to be doing.

I missed having the girls with me.

I missed hearing their laughter and “conversations” from the backseat.

I heard Lana’s car seat toys rattling around and missed knowing that her tiny body was back there, too.

That singular car ride made me realize that I am not ready to go back to work full-time. I want to be here with our children for every day that I can. I adore the fact that I take them with me when I go to work right now, can see them any minute I want, and then we all go home together when I’m done.

But there was still that nagging feeling of how could I turn down an absolutely perfect fit?

Thankfully my decision was kind of made for me once I got there – it wasn’t a perfect fit after all. First of all, everyone was wearing suits. I’m sorry, I know MANY people wear suits to work every day and don’t think twice about it, but that is 1 thing I hated about working in NYC. A few months after starting at Lehman they switched back to wearing suits from the business casual rule they had when I started, and it sucked. I don’t want to have to drop another $500-$1,000 on some stuffy outfits that I’ll hate every second of wearing and will never wear outside that job.

Secondly, one of guys with whom I met was a total lump. The CEO was a good guy – very personable, warm, easy to talk to, actually reminded me of one of my uncles with some of his mannerisms and expressions, and just seemed to be an all-around nice guy. The other one who joined him, however, ugh. He sat there practically silent the whole time, made himself a cup of tea and was apparently much more interested in it than anything that I had to offer, and just kind of shrugged when the CEO asked him if he had anything to add. And I guess he was the one under whom I would mainly be working in this position. Huh? No thanks.

I did get kind of a smug sense of satisfaction at one point in the conversation, though. The CEO asked me what my job search was like right now and I said honestly, I’m really not pursuing one. He said so someone just contacted you about this position out of the blue? Yep, you got it, buddy. Why so surprised? Do I not strike you as that good that one of your brokers would actually recommend me sight unseen and totally unsolicited? Well you’d better believe it. (no, i did not say all that, but you know that’s exactly what i was thinking)

So I just got kind of an unsettled taste in my mouth for the whole thing after I had that meeting, which solidified my notion that I really want to be staying home with the girls. They said they have a number of candidates they’re considering and are still in the resume collecting stage right now so it’ll be a couple weeks before they have any sort of decision made, but I’m not expecting to hear back at all. And I’m totally ok with that. It’s funny because I didn’t even think that meeting was going to be an interview, more just a fact-finding mission from my end, but I guess they felt differently. No skin off my back. Fortunately I would not have treated what I thought was a “real” interview any differently, so I’m fine with how things went down.

After my 1st phone conversation with the Chicago guy I asked Ryan what he thought I should do. Much to my amazement (and delight), he said he would actually prefer I find a better-paying part-time job so I could stay home with the girls until they’re fully in school, meaning until Lana is in kindergarten. Sa-weet!

Unfortunately, the WAC is not the solution to that criterion, so I have again begun my search for some sort of online proofreading job in earnest. If anyone anywhere knows of something, or even of a good resource I could use to find something, please let me know! I’ve said it before, but I’m actually a really good proofreader and even started my own little business for it. Check out that JEditing button all the way down at the bottom of the page.

So there you have it. It feels good to finally know what I really want my plan to be and how I can go about making it happen. Now I just need to find that 1 steady proofreading job that will get me up and running, and I’ll be golden.

 

 

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An anniversary, of sorts

1 year ago today, this happened.

It’s very hard to describe what all has happened during this past year of me being out of full-time work, because I’ve experienced such a huge range of emotions. Something bigger than I think I’ve ever felt before.

I started off scared shitless.

We were losing our big salary; we were losing full, employer-paid benefits; we were losing my life insurance through work; we were pulling Della out of a daycare that both we and she loved, taking her away from her friends, teachers, social interaction, and overall daily structure; we were losing our well-oiled routine.

Was I going to be a good mom staying home with Della? Was I going to be able to give her everything she had at daycare? Was she going to miss everyone there more than she enjoyed being home with just me? How long was my severance going to carry us? How long was I going to be home? How much were we going to have to sacrifice? How in the hell was I going to do this?

And oh yeah, I was almost 7 months pregnant. Delectable timing.

But in a matter of days, I went from more uncertain than I’d ever been in my life to so very, very happy.

I spent every day with Della. We went for walks; we went to the park; we went to the zoo; we played; we did little art projects in the basement; we actually met our neighbors and Della played with all the kids on our block. I became her everything, and it was glorious. She began talking more than she ever had, and it had to have been because she was the focus all day long instead of being one in a class where the teachers had to focus mainly on the kids as a whole. I’ll never forget – about 2 weeks after we’d been home the head of her daycare stopped by to drop off some last art projects and pictures of Della, and she was amazed by how much Della said to her when she came to the door. She said, “Oh my gosh, she never used to talk this much at daycare.” I was so proud.

It was the most lovely time. I was relaxed. I was having fun. I was increasing my stay-at-home motherhood ability level daily. I had not 1 iota of any stress from my job left whatsoever. I was loving our “new” routine, and I was so happy.

Then we hit October 21, 2012, and little Lana Marie entered our lives.

And I was doubly happy. Another little girl! I couldn’t believe it. All of my fears that I could never love another child as much as I loved Della instantly vanished. In their place was an exponentially increasing amount of love that I never fathomed could exist.

Our routine changed once again, but this time I didn’t have to worry about maternity leave and having to go back to work and sending them both off to daycare. I can’t even tell you how beautiful that was. Simply being able to focus on our new baby and being a mom to our 2 daughters was amazing.

I became everything to both Della and Lana now. (don’t worry, ryan is and always has been an enormous help and a wonderful father. i’m just referring to the fact that since i was home full-time, i was the one spending all day every day with these 2 little monkeys)

And then I went from being a blissfully happy new mama for the 2nd time to being not. I was lost.

I became overwhelmed by our days at home, all together, just us. I felt like all I ever did was nurse Lana, feed Della and wipe her butt, and clean the house. I began questioning my ability as a mother. I began questioning my worth as a wife. I began questioning me, and I hated it. I’m not good like that.

So our routine changed again. I got a part-time job, and it was a savior. I worked in a place I knew; the girls came with me but didn’t stay with me; their care was good and it was free; I liked my coworkers and they liked me. I was happy.

And that’s pretty much where we are now. I’ve been doing the part-time job gig at the gym for about 6 months, and it has worked out swimmingly. The girls love playing in the kids care room (for free!!); I enjoy doing something so easy and lighthearted as working a front desk; I love chatting with my coworkers and the gym members all throughout my time there; and although I no longer have a big employer-sponsored 401(k) and year-end bonus, there are actually a lot of perks – free gym memberships for me and the girls, discounts on classes and lessons (so della is now in her 2nd session of swim lessons and i’m thinking about enrolling her in dance next time. can you even imagine the cuteness?!), employer rewards for high-quality service (can you say free massage? thank you very much!), recognition by your peers (most contagious smile, that’s me), a non-existent stress level.

And oh yeah, I’m happy.

So I guess a lot has happened, actually. We’ve added to our family; I’ve gotten my first new job in almost a decade; Ryan got to spend a month at home with us for a mini-summer vacation; we’ve taken some awesome trips. My belief in myself as a mother is now rock-solid, my feeling of self-worth is unshakable, and I’ve even gotten in really good shape by running with these 2 beans in the jogging stroller. Can’t beat that, eh?

Sure the thoughts of when this routine will end have started creeping in, but there’s no definite answer yet. Ryan has thrown out October, since that will be Lana’s 1 year birthday, but I now want nothing more than to prolong my time home with the girls beyond any deadline. We have considered some scenarios that may do that, but like I said, nothing is for sure yet.

I’m just riding this wave and enjoying every day I have on it. I look back to those first days home with Della and how unsure I was and can’t help but laugh. Why was I so scared? This is exactly what I’ve always wanted since the day she was born. Just because I didn’t choose the circumstances surrounding how it came to be doesn’t mean it’s something bad. And now I fully realize that.

So happy 1 year of non-full-time working anniversary to me.

I am very happy.

 

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They think I’m WAC-y!

Last night I attended the annual staff appreciation event the WAC holds, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. Ryan stayed home to watch the girls and at first I was very skeptical of going alone since I hate doing stuff like that by myself, but I’m glad I ended up going. I talked to a couple of the girls in the kids care room at work the other week to see if anyone else was going alone and a lot of people were, so I figured what the hell.

It was held downtown at the Milwaukee Athletic Club, and more than anything I just wanted to see the venue. It’s a fancy country club-type place to which I’d never been. (i work at the Wisconsin Athletic Club, this was held at the Milwaukee Athletic Club, with which the WAC has reciprocity membership. kinda confusing, i know)

The food was great, there were a ton of people there, and it was fun seeing everyone in something other than black and yoga pants. It actually took me a minute to recognize some of my coworkers since we girls all had our hair done nicely and were wearing dresses and heels. It was also entertaining watching a couple people get rather boisterous as the night wore on, the cash bar kept the drinks flowing, and the dance floor opened, but I was plenty content to observe all that from the sidelines.

Anyhoo… A number of awards were given out during dinner as well. There were some length of service awards, trainer and salesperson of the year, outstanding employee award, and on and on. In addition, each of our 6 clubs gave out peer awards – every employee received a ballot with their invitation and was supposed to vote for a coworker from their home club for each of the handful of categories listed.

In an amazing twist of fate, I won one!! The North Shore WAC, which is the one at which I work, bestowed upon me the “Most Contagious Smile” award. I was so surprised and deeply flattered. I’ve only worked there for about 3 moths, so the fact that enough people voted for me to win something was crazy. A number of members have told me how nice my smile is and appreciate that I always greet them cheerfully, but I had no idea so many of my coworkers felt the same way. And I got $25. Excellent.

And last week my boss gave me a gift certificate for a half hour massage, simply as a thank you for all that I do there. Sweet! Who knew working the front desk at a gym would be such a great gig?

In related news, Wednesday is my birthday. Well I guess that’s actually completely unrelated, but whatever. It’s just what I thought of next.

I’m never one to shun my birthday; I usually love celebrating it to the fullest. But just a few days ago I was remarking on the fact that it was already going to be May, and I realized I had honestly forgotten about my birthday.

I don’t mean like oh shoot, it’s just my little ol’ birthday, it’s nothing special. I mean like I literally had not given it one half of a thought this year. Guess that’s what happens when your life revolves around 2 tiny human beings – 99% of my brain is dedicated to them, the other 1% goes to me, Ryan, the house, what I need to do on a daily basis to stay sane and keep things running. You know, no big deal.

At least spring seems to finally have sprung around here. The lowest high temperature I see through the extended forecast is high 50s, which is much better than the high 30s we saw so recently. About damn time this year. My tulips and lilacs may actually bloom soon. Yay, my beloved May flowers!

 

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100 years

That’s how long I want to live. Longer, actually. Some people think getting that old would be terrible – your body may be failing you, you’ll probably have experienced much loss by then, life may be completely different than you used to know…

But if I’m lucky enough to live that long that will hopefully mean I’ll get to spend 70+ years with my children. God forbid one of them goes before me. I don’t think I could handle that.

One of my friends said the other day that she has always wanted to live to be 100, and it stuck with me. I do too.

Watching Della grow and learn each day is amazing. I was coloring with her in the basement tonight, 2 things which I don’t really enjoy, let alone put together. But I actually had a great time. Crouching down there on the floor with her coloring in her Strawberry Shortcake book and seeing how much fun she was having made me forget that it was not high on my list of things to do.

And Lana. Well I could just stare at my babies all day long if allowed. This one especially. Those giant blue eyes are enchanting.

My sister posted this on her Facebook page today, and I love every single word. It is so true. One hundred million percent true.

*****

“We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of “starting a family.” “We’re taking a survey,” she says half-joking. “Do you think I should have a baby?”

“It will change your life,” I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

“I know,” she says, “no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations.”

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, “What if that had been MY child?” That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.

That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of “Mom!” will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby’s sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy’s desire to go to the men’s room rather than the women’s at McDonald’s will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter’s relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.

I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter’s quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. “You’ll never regret it,” I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter’s hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Moms. May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.”

~Author unknown

D Li love these little goonies more than i ever imagined i could.

 

 

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An update. And pictures!

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, but just haven’t found the time to actually sit down and do it. Imagine that with a toddler and infant in the house. Odd.

But fortunately things are feeling much better than they did a few months ago, when I wrote this post. The fog of not feeling like myself has finally lifted, and thankfully I think I’ve regained my parenting mojo. I no longer feel like having 2 kids is going to suffocate me; rather I feel like each day gets better than the last with these 2 little ones.

What has happened to changed my outlook? Well, for one, I got a job. It’s not a new career by any means, more just something to get me and the girls out of the house and interacting in society again. I work part-time at the front desk of the Wisconsin Athletic Club, a gym to which I belonged for years and at which I continued to work out with my trainer until she left just a few weeks ago.

I work anywhere from 2-4 days per week, 3-4 hours at a time. The girls and I get free memberships out of the deal too, but the best part, by far, is that they get to come with me while I work and stay in the kids care room for free. Free daycare?! That cannot be passed up. Now it isn’t an actual licensed daycare center, more just glorified babysitting, but still. Della gets to play with all the kids, they do story time and gym time, she takes her favorite “new lunchbox” every day; and Lana gets fed her bottles, diapers changed, tummy time, etc., so it’s absolutely perfect.

It gives me a nice little break from the parenting responsibilities a couple times a week and the girls get taken care of well, so it’s working out very smoothly right now. And I finally don’t feel like I’m about to lose my head trying to rush us out the door each time we go, so that helps too. Those first couple weeks I seriously felt like a complete whirling dervish every time I had to get the 3 of us ready to go in the mornings. Practice makes perfect, I guess. Or at least better.

Having a paycheck again is nice too, but the pay is definitely not why I’m there. A little is better than zero though, eh?

What else? I guess Lana getting out of the newborn stage has helped as well. I don’t feel completely tethered to a screaming baby anymore, which I think would make anyone happy. She has certainly mellowed in the past couple months, and I don’t have a tiny screaming head in my face so much anymore. She’ll give a good wail here and there still, but nothing like the early days when I almost went deaf a few times.

She’s getting easier, I think Della enjoys being around kids more often again, and the combination of those just makes my days all around better. I don’t feel trapped, I don’t feel anxious, I don’t feel like a terrible mom, I don’t feel like a terrible wife, I don’t feel like not me. I feel good again, and that feels great.

I do still need to work on the exercise part, as I haven’t been able to get in a good routine with timing workouts with my shifts at the gym, but hopefully I’ll get something going soon. I usually work from 9-noon or 9-1, which doesn’t leave enough time for me to get in as long a workout as I want before having to get Della home for her nap, and the kids room doesn’t open until 8, which doesn’t give me enough time before work either. So we’ll see what I can finagle there.

Also, it’s Spring. Even though the temperature belies the season right now, I am happy that the sun is at least shining. I started taking vitamin D in liquid drop form this winter to actually help slow my postpartum hair shedding, but I think it helped me feel better overall instead. It didn’t necessarily give me more energy, but I didn’t feel so run-down and tired all the time. I don’t think it did anything to help my hair stop falling out so much, though. That will just take time to get rid of all the built up pregnancy locks.

So there you have it. And for being such good listeners and readers, here are some recent pictures of the most adorable children ever created. What? I’m biased.

L1 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6