All by myself

Last month I went to Florida for my good friend Rachel’s 40th birthday girls’ trip. By myself. It was pretty awesome.

I was gone for 5 days, and nobody came with me. Zero children. Zero traveling partners. A couple of the girls flew on the same flight, but then the rest of us all just met down there. We went to Anna Maria Island, so most of us flew into Sarasota then took an Uber to the island.

It was the first time I’ve traveled alone since any of the kids were born. Actually, I think it’s the first time I’ve traveled alone since I lived out east. Almost 16 years ago. Crazy.

It was really fun. There were 10 of us in the house we rented, which was right on a little lagoon. It had its own private pool, which was all I was looking forward to. It was a shared townhouse, but we never heard the family on the other side at all. They had their own pool, too, and it was on the opposite side of the house from ours.

We stayed just blocks from the beach, so we walked over there each night to watch the sunset and grab a cocktail. Unfortunately there was really only one beachfront restaurant near us, but we found some other fun places for dinners. We grabbed coffee and breakfast each morning at a little local place, then we either walked to other close-by sandwich or burrito shops for lunches or just snacked by the pool.

I got some sun. I got some sleep. I made new friends. I read 1 entire book! And, surprisingly, I missed everyone back here terribly. I couldn’t help but think the whole time how perfect the place we stayed would be for a family vacation with Ryan and the kids, because it really was.

I couldn’t believe I actually made a solo vacation work! It was a great time with some fantastic people, and I’m so glad I went. It’ll probably happen again in about 20 years. 😀

These days

These days are full of burp rags and 2 a.m. feedings; diaper after diaper after diaper and tiny baby snuggles.

Watching them take in this whole new world with wide, innocent, beautiful eyes. Something new to them every day, each piece filling my heart more and more.

These days are full of wiping 3-year-old buns and filling milk cups; taking breakfast and lunch orders and cleaning off hands and faces.

Figuring out when to let them try it and when to keep doing it myself. Knowing they want to learn and grow but selfishly wanting them to stay my babies forever. Trying to raise them to be good, kind, strong adults while making sure they live childhood fully.

I tell them constantly – enjoy every single day and year as a kid, because once you’re a grownup, you’re a grownup for the rest of your life. Being a kid is so much more fun!

These days are full of “Mama, watch me,” and “Mama, know what?” and “Mama, can I have that?” and “Mama,” “Mama,” “Mama.”

And I try to answer each and every one, because I know someday I’ll hear it no more.

These days are full of giving back pacifiers and rubbing tiny noses, soothing and calming just by being near.

These days are full of onesies and strollers and bikes and dolls and toys and imagination and creation and fun. Even the really, really long days. Start over in the morning, look back, and I can always see the fun. They’re kids. They do.

These days are full of laundry and messes and cleaning and laundry and messes and cleaning. But they’re mine, and I get to do them. I don’t have to wait until after work or on the weekend.

These days are full of one more kiss when I go to bed. They’re always deep in sleep and smell warm. Like these long summer days of play.

These days are rarely my own and are almost completely for these 5 incredible, magical, wonderful little faces. But that alone makes me ridiculously happy.

 




38

Yesterday was my 38th birthday, and although I’m not thrilled about the ever-looming age of 40, I will say that 38 is off to a great start.

The day wasn’t the warmest, but the sun was shining brightly and beautifully. I walked Della to school with the other 2 in the stroller, then went for a run when we got home. Then Lana helped me plant the flowers and plants we had picked up at Home Depot the day before – flowers for the pot I put on our front walk, flowers for their little playhouse window boxes, and raspberry and grapes plants for the back garden. Ryan and the kids got me a beautiful necklace that I wanted, and the kids all made me cards. Which I will of course save forever, since they are all going to be amazingly famous artists.

We walked back to school to pick up Della in the afternoon, enjoying the sunshine a little longer. I requested chicken marsala for my birthday dinner, and Chef Rau obliged. He also got me a brownie ice cream cake. It was all beyond delicious, as always! We all enjoyed the cake when Della got home from gymnastics, then watched The Voice, the girls’ and my favorite show. I had a couple glasses of dessert wine to toast to myself, and then we called it a night. It was a very good day.

This wonderful family of mine and and some great friends who know me well made this a fantastic, peaceful birthday, which is exactly what I wanted. Happy birthday to me!

I tried to find a comparison shot of me at 28, but we don’t have any pics from my birthday that year. So here’s a picture from our anniversary that year (the big #1!), which was a month before my 28th birthday. Ah, aging…

 




It finally came to me

Ever since we’ve had children, I’ve wanted to get a tattoo to symbolize them in some way. I thought maybe I’d find a cool way to intertwine their initials, or something like that, but nothing ever stuck with me or jumped out at me as exactly the right design. And that’s the thing with a tattoo, for me at least – it has to be absolutely beyond perfect, leaving no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I really, really want it on my body forever.

Two weeks ago, it finally came to me.

I don’t know why, but every time I thought of what represented the kids best, sea turtles came to mind. A while ago, I had envisioned tiny little sea turtles wrapping around the inside of my left wrist. But they would’ve had to be super duper tiny so as not to be massively obvious, then I wouldn’t be able to incorporate their initials very well, yadda yadda yadda.

So then I decided on my left side, right in the middle of my side, so they’re kind of swimming up toward my heart. Bingo. Plus, Ryan said he didn’t like wrist tattoos at all, so that helped solidify that positioning. I actually went to the tattoo shop a friend recommended a couple Saturdays ago to get it done, but they didn’t have time for me right then, so I went to another shop that also didn’t have time when I walked in but said they’d call me back later that afternoon. I got a much better vibe from the second place, plus I found a penny on the ground outside the door when I left, so I called back that night to make an appointment for the following Wednesday.

It ended up working out for the best that my original plan of attack to get the tattoo didn’t pan out, because that night I had time to draw exactly what I wanted instead of just going in with a rough idea; the girls got to pick the color they wanted for each of the flowers by their initials; the tattoo artist with whom I ended up getting the appointment did an amazing job putting my sketches together and bringing them to life; I found another penny at the shop right before I got the tattoo; and the artist made the final tattoo look better than I could even imagine.

I just love it. It makes me happy every time I look at it. These 3 kids are my absolute heart and soul, which makes this tattoo so meaningful.

I’ve been having a lot of status envy lately, which I know is stupid and an unnecessary waste of worry, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I just get stuck. We’re surrounded by so many incredible things and places, it’s kind of hard not to sometimes. Seeing my beautiful tattoo and realizing how truly happy I am helps me snap out of it.

We don’t have a lot of money, we don’t live in a big giant house, we don’t drive fancy cars (Tesla is apparently the new expensive car of choice around here, by the way), we don’t go on exotic vacations all over the world. But these kids and the family we’ve created and our wonderful web of family, friends, and neighbors and the unbelievable community in which we live bring happiness that can never be measured with a price tag. And although I’ve been without a salary for over 4 years now, we’re making it work, something we never thought was possible before it actually happened. Plus, now when I do work, I get to do it in my home while our children play and sleep. Also priceless.

So thank you, little sea turtles. Not only are you exactly what I wanted for my tattoo, you are also a permanent reminder of happiness.

 




Hello, world! Again

“Hello world!” That’s the title of the generic first placeholder post when you create a new blog, so I thought it pretty fitting to use here. The first post on my new, redesigned blog. And, being the editor I am, I couldn’t help but add that dialogue comma in there for accuracy.

So, whaddya think? ScooterMarie has become Jocelyn Rau. Plain and simple, just how I like things. I actually wanted an easy name like that from the start, but when I first set this blog up back in 2011, Ryan said I should go with something more unique. Hence, ScooterMarie was born. And it worked great. But I was never 100% in love with the name, so now that I’ve decided to redo the blog design, I figured now was as good a time as any to change the name. Plus, jocelyrau.com was available, so it worked perfectly.

Hopefully you like the change as much as I do. Those pictures up in the header are all ones we’ve taken over the years, and I love how they change randomly. Bits of my life coming to life on here.

If you had subscribed to my RSS feed on ScooterMarie to get notified every time there was a new post, I think you’ll have to subscribe to the new site address to keep getting them. Just click on this little orange square, and it’ll take you right to Feedburner:

So thanks for sticking with Jocelyn Rau – me and my blog.

 




Thankful, always

Thankful for a beautiful 6 year old whose kind heart and amazing mind inspire me and make me prouder every day.

Thankful for the most incredible 4 year old I’ve ever known. Her fairy spirit knows no bounds, and the inner workings of her mind are some of the most indescribably magnificent places humankind has ever experienced.

Thankful for an adorable little almost-18 month old whose smile lights a room, whose laughter brightens the darkest hours, and whose hugs make everything better.

Thankful for the man whom those 3 miracles call Daddy, without whom none of this would be possible.

Thankful for the time to be everything to our children, day and night.

Thankful for the health and strength to be everything to our children.

Thankful for family near and far, here and beyond. No matter how frequent or infrequent the contact, all are forever a part of us.

Thankful for friends old and new. Those friends who are always there, who know your secrets, who will keep you laughing until your sides ache and your cheeks hurt, and who make it seem like no time has passed at all when you meet again.

Thankful for friends, neighbors, and good people who believe in and value the same things. The importance of knowing you are there for our children, too, cannot be put into words.

Thankful for this house that becomes more and more our home every day. Our children came home here, are growing up here, and are learning life here. It is ours and they are safe here.

Thankful that our children are already realizing this is what’s important in life; that not everyone has what we do even when so many have so much more; and to be thankful and grateful, not greedy and selfish.

So very thankful, always.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 




These days

These days are filled with the voices of 3 tiny humans. Some days contain more shouting than others, but all are full of love.

These days are filled with tiny hands and feet and faces.

These days are filled with wiping those tiny hands and butts and noses, hopefully not at the same time.

These days are filled with peals of laughter and screams of upset, sometimes simultaneously, and not always from those 3 tiny humans.

These days are filled with the goodnight hugs, kisses, wishes and dreams, breakfast orders, one-more-drink-of-waters, one-more-rub-my-backs, and can-you-start-the-music-over-one-more-times that seem to take 18 times longer than the bedtimes themselves.

These days are filled with cutting food into tiny pieces.

These days are filled with many ridiculous kid-friendly words to mask the adult words that really want to come out of my mouth sometimes.

These days are filled with the almost magician-like ability to know where each and every piece of clothing for all 3 children is so that one can be pulled out at a moment’s notice when pee, poop, food, grass stains, mud, or some other such substance destroys the original article of clothing from any given day.

These days are filled with an amazing display of coordination and logistics – making sure everyone is up in time, fed, dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, one lunch packed, one backpack readied, socks and shoes and coats on, gone to the bathroom, diaper changed once if not twice, and smaller kid and baby loaded into the stroller in the mornings to be ready to walk the bigger kid to school; repeating said process with the smaller kid and baby 7 hours later to pick the bigger kid up from school; taking the bigger and smaller kids to swim lessons once a week; making sure the baby gets the appropriate amount of formula in his bottles every day, since these are the last weeks of formula for him before switching to whole milk; making sure that same baby also gets a wide enough variety of real food to keep him full after meals without offering him things that immediately end up on the floor; ensuring the bigger and smaller kids get outside as often as possible when the weather is nice so they don’t make me run screaming, I mean so they get some exercise in play; making sure all 3 are pj’d, teeth brushed, peed and diaper changed, bottle given, and in bed on time; and generally ensuring the health, happiness, safety, and security of 3 tiny humans.

These days are filled with tiny footsteps at 2:45 a.m. when the music has stopped and needs to be restarted.

These days are filled with lifting the smaller kid up to the kitchen sink to wash hands after going to the bathroom because, for some reason, she prefers that sink to the one that is 6 inches from the toilet in the bathroom and has a stool right underneath it for small kids to climb up and wash their own hands.

These days are filled with baby cries and snuffles in the middle of the night to find that magical pacifier that sends him instantly back into the land of nod.

These days are filled with a tiny head peeking over the side of a crib at me in the morning, bouncing up and down, eager to start his day with me.

These days are filled with races between the bigger kid and smaller kid from the kitchen to the living room and back, since to them that seems like a mile.

These days are filled with 2-wheeled bikes for the bigger kid, scooters and training wheels for the smaller kid, and strollers for the baby.

These days are filled with grabbing the baby’s hands out of the garbage can, away from the bigger and smaller kids’ art stand, out of the cabinets in the kitchen, off the nightlight in the hallway, away from outlets, away from Daddy’s stuff, and preventing him from falling into the laundry hole (for it literally is a hole, not a chute).

These days are filled with “Mama.” “Mama?” “Mama!”

These days are filled with load after load after load after load of never-ending laundry.

These days are filled with snacks and bottles and sippy cups.

These days are filled with picking up endless numbers of toys endless times every day. Why do we have so many toys? My no-toy rule has somehow been completely ignored for the past 5 years.

These days are filled with kisses for bumps, bruises, and scrapes.

These days are filled with preventing arguments, reminding of manners, teaching responsibility, showing compassion, trying to teach right from wrong, teaching kindness and inclusion, showing how to make good decisions, ingraining the importance of respect, instilling self-confidence and a strong sense of being loved and belonging, teaching that everyone has a story and is important, and daily trying my damnedest to be the Mama they deserve and to not raise little assholes.

These days are filled with tiny eye rubs when the Sandman is near.

These days are filled with burp rag-covered shoulders and baby snuggles.

These days are filled with a complete, purposeful, and pretty much blissful ignorance of basically anything outside my 4 walls and 3 tiny humans, especially politics. Wait, it’s an election year??

These days are filled with pb&j, hot dogs, grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese, and chicken nuggets. You know, my favorite foods.

These days are filled with a ferocity of love that I never dreamed possible before having these 3 tiny humans.

These days are theirs, and I try to be as present as is humanly possible for every single one.

These days are mine, and they are finite, so I cherish every single one.

For those 3 tiny humans? They are mine. And they make me so, so very happy.