So, guess what? No, I’m not pregnant again. I’m getting a job! After almost exactly a decade of being a full-time stay-at-home mom, I’m rejoining the workforce. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do to earn more money once the twins start school for a while now, and none of my possibilities or efforts were leading anywhere. Then suddenly, like manna from heaven, this literally fell into my lap.
I’m going to be in charge of the wine club responsibilities and helping with marketing for an amazing winery in Napa. I’ll work remotely from home (perfect!), I’ll still get to be present daily for the kids for school and everything (perfect!), I’ll get a yearly wine allotment (perfect!), and I’ll get to travel to Napa a couple times a year (perfect!). I’ve done all the editing and proofreading for this winery for a couple years now, and I’ve always wanted to play a bigger role for them whenever they needed it. They are really great people. So I was beyond shocked and honored when they tapped me for this, because never in a million years would I have pictured that any other role I’d play in the company would be as big as this one. I hope I do it well!
Unfortunately, that means I’ll have even less time for ye old blog here than I do now. It hasn’t been anywhere near as fruitful as it was when I started it for a very long time anyway, but now it’ll be even less so. The difference will be, however, that I’ll no longer feel guilty for not posting in as timely a manner as I feel I should. Or at all. This is going to be a full-time job that I’m starting, and I’m going to make it take the precedence it deserves. I’ll still try to post for the kids’ birthdays for posterity and update their individual pages when something notable happens, but that’ll probably be about it. If you follow me on social media, though, you’ll stay pretty up to date, since I post a lot of pictures there. They all feed into that Instagram area in the right sidebar here, too, so you can follow along that way as well if you just miss me too much.
Thank you for being such loyal fans all these years. I truly appreciate you making me feel like this little blog was even necessary at all, and I’m sure I’ll still see you around here from time to time. But wish me luck! I’m so excited about this opportunity, and I really hope I do a good job.
Like my grandma always told me, cherish the days, my friends. I’ll see you next time!
I’ve been thinking for a while now what to write for my annual year-end post, and I honestly have no idea this year. After meeting COVID in 2020 and having life as we knew it flipped upside down and all around, this year was kind of – meh. We knew that the only way forward was through, so that’s what we did.
Not to say it was a bad year, just nothing really exciting. A look back ~
The Good:
Despite having COVID earlier this month (well, all of us except Lana, somehow!), we are all fully recovered and appear to have no lasting side effects so far. Ryan’s taste and smell aren’t back to 100%, but thankfully none of us had very serious symptoms.
Ryan’s job is secure.
Our houses are still standing and in working order.
In-person school is working out great for all the kids, even with a couple quarantine periods. Middle school has been much less scary for me than I imagined. 😉
Science! Ryan, the big 3, and I are now all fully vaccinated against COVID, and I got my booster just last weekend. The big kids were in between their 2 doses when we got COVID, and I fully believe even having that little bit of protection from the first dose helped them. They all barely felt worse than a bad cold. The poor twins were hit pretty hard, but fortunately they are better, too.
The big kids moved upstairs and the twins moved into their own bedroom for the first time in their lives!
We’ve paid down a big chunk of debt, which always helps one’s sanity.
The twins were potty trained this year, which also helps my sanity and allows us so much more freedom to do stuff as a family. No more diapers!
I lost my shit WAY fewer times this year than last year, which I’m sure everyone has appreciated.
The Bad:
I lost both my grandmas this year. I didn’t see either of them very often anymore, but knowing I’ll never get to again stings. I will be forever grateful that I got to have one last conversation with each of them before they died, but I’ll always wish I could’ve been there in person to say good-bye.
The global pandemic caused by COVID is still raging, and I don’t know that there’s really any end in sight. At least not for a while. Which reminds me, I need to get some new masks.
Politics in general, racism, unnecessary hatred, war. All topics that I’m not going to touch right now but that I’ll just leave there.
In looking at my list, I’m very thankful the goods outnumber the bads. That’s the sign of a pretty great year, right?
I will say, this winter break has been one of the best times I’ve had with our kids. This Christmas was exceptionally fun and magical, and I’ve just had an incredible level of happiness the whole time. We tracked Santa and loved all the preparations for him and the reindeer, we’ve played lots of games, had a couple movie nights, gone ice skating for the first time for the kids, walked to the beach to hunt for sea glass, and just hung out all together. The twins get a little bit easier daily, and watching all 5 of them play together and interact more as people instead of kids and babies is amazing. We got very lucky with this bunch, that’s for sure.
Here is a pictorial look at this winter ~
All at home to start the month thanks to COVID
St. Nick
Sick little COVID boy
Lana did school at home all month except for a day and a half
Grandma couldn’t come up because of our COVID timing, so I took all 3 big kids to the Nutcracker for the first time.
I had one of my grandma’s wedding rings made into my own – my engagement stone and setting on her band. I love it.
So there’s 2021 in a tiny nutshell. Not overly good or bad, but there. Like I said last year, this recent history has taught me to have an even more take-each-day-as-it-comes outlook than usual, which I think has helped me, personally, immensely. I do feel much more stable and optimistic going into 2022 than I did going into 2021, so we’ll see what it brings.
Good-bye, 2021. Thank you for everything, but it’s time to move on. Hello, 2022 – we’re ready!
I just turned 42. Super exciting, I know. It’s not one of the fun ones, like, I just turned 21! or I just turned 30! or even I just turned 40! 42. Meh.
And, honestly, for the first time I’m actually starting to feel age. Not necessarily feeling “my age” or feeling “like I’m aging,” just age. Everyone told me 40 is when the wheels start to fall off – stiffness getting out of bed, random aches and pains, making noises when you sit down or get up just because. Ha! You know the ones.
But lucky me, I escaped one extra year and didn’t feel any afflictions until 41. This past year was a doozy overall to be sure, and maybe it just took more of a toll on me than I realized as we were living right through it. I started seeing a chiropractor last summer for a sore neck and hip, and every adjustment makes everything feel so much better. I’ve never really gone because my back hurts, though, which has always seemed funny to me. However, since then, my right shoulder has been sore, my knees have started aching, I have arthritis in my finger, and my elbows have been inflamed. I’m sorry, what? Swollen elbows?? What the fuck. These all come and go, thankfully not all sticking around permanently or at the same time, but still.
Thinking on it, though, this body of mine has put in a lot of work. Maybe it’s no wonder I’m starting to feel it. I swam 4 years collegiately, which alone could have done me in. I’ve run hundreds of miles since then, raced numerous 5Ks, competed in a handful of triathlons, run a half marathon, carried and borne 5 babies, and am raising those babies every day. And thankfully, I can still do all of it. Well, no more carrying and bearing babies, that’s for damn sure, but the rest of it. Exercise is necessary for me – sound mind and body – and I’m grateful it’s part of my everyday life. In fact, I ran my quickest 5K in recent days on my birthday. Probably because I wasn’t pushing the twins in the stroller!
Speaking of those babies, I’ve become obsessed with the show Call the Midwife. It’s about midwives in 1950s’ East End London, and I can’t get enough. Of course I put our children into every grim situation shown in the episodes, and it makes me so eternally grateful that our 5 are healthy and thriving. There’s plenty of food on the table (that thankfully Ryan cooks!), our rooms are clean and warm, everyone has clothes and shoes, and I’m able to stay home with the kids. Our house is small, yes, but it’s perfectly comfortable and overflowing with love. Plus we own the one next door, too, if we get really sick of each other. And here’s the thing about humongous houses – there’s lots of room to spread out, but there are also lots of bathrooms to clean. With twins who are potty training, 1 bathroom of pee to clean is more than enough for me!
Although 42 is a rather uneventful age, I had an incredibly fun birthday weekend. Ryan was a total bonehead earlier that week so I was fully prepared for an annoying, disappointing day, but he made a miraculous turnaround. I did pretty much whatever I wanted on my birthday – slept in, woke up to amazing decorations and gifts and a delicious egg and cheese sandwich from the kids, walked over to our neighborhood donut shop for treats and coffee with the kids, they all played outside while I went for a run, they got their own picnic lunch together in the back yard, Ryan made a fantastic dinner of beef tenderloin/scallops/chopped salad, and our 2 great friends came over to eat and celebrate that night. Plus Ryan did all the dishes for me! The next day was Mother’s Day, on which I got more adorable homemade gifts from the kids, then we went up to see Ryan’s family for the first time in over a year and take family pictures. It turned out to be much more fun than I expected, and the pictures are beautiful.
So there I am. 42. It may be a boring number, but life certainly isn’t boring these days and I cherish each of them fully. I’ll be over here just drinking my turmeric and ginger tea and taking my multi-collagen while wearing my heated neck massager, you know, to combat all my newfound aches and inflammation. 😉
The day started early – kids testing at 2 schools before a usual day even begins. Before coffee. One ran late, I worried I wouldn’t get the next there on time. Exhale.
An outgoing President (ab)using his powers to the end. Not even attending his successor’s inauguration. Selfish and living in his altered reality still. But he left a note. Exhale.
A woman sworn in as Vice President of the United States of America. A woman of color. The first. WOMAN. Exhale.
A man sworn in as President of the United States of America. Our oldest yet, but true. Honest, empathetic, present. A man who’s endured personal tragedy one would never wish upon their greatest foe. Spent his career in our nation’s halls of democracy. Third time’s a charm. #46. Exhale.
No violence. No protests. No bloodshed. No shouting. No fighting. No casualties. Exhale.
Hope for tomorrow. Breath for tomorrow. A sense of a future we can believe in again. A sense of a future of respect and unity. A sense of a future of pride. A long road ahead for certain, but one that now feels walkable. A sense of a future. Period. Exhale.
My eyes burn by the end of the night. Heavy from verging on tears all day. Tears of stress; then joy, relief, hope. Heavy from exhaustion. Exhaustion from the release of the weight of the past years that I had no idea was even affecting me. Heavy from being on edge all day waiting for something to happen. Heavy from being relieved beyond belief that it never did. Heavy from fully realizing the importance of this day for not just me but for my children. They can do anything. Exhale.
Sleep well tonight. Tomorrow dawns bright. Exhale.
That’s going to be my next tattoo. My grandma always says that to me, and I have it in her handwriting. It’s going to run vertically along my line of sea turtles for the kids. When I get around to it…
Fully the past decade of my life has been spent preparing for, having, and raising babies. And yes, I still consider the twins babies, even though they’ve turned 2. They don’t speak in complete sentences; they can’t dress themselves; they can’t make me a cocktail; and they still poop in their pants without warning. Definitely still babies.
But, since they are now 2, I’ve begun to wake up a little and see the world around me again not just as a pregnant/new mom, but as a regular person. And lately, that, unfortunately, has put me in a frequent state of comparison – houses, travels, other ways of and standings in life in general. Materialistic and superficial, yes, I am well aware, but it happens nonetheless.
There is a particular street in our village that is my absolute dream – the homes are enormous, the yards are equally huge and immaculate, it looks like you’re in a forest, and it feels about 8 million miles away from our area, when in reality we’re roughly a mile apart. I told Ryan maybe someday we can sell both our houses and look for a spread over there. Even that would probably still be a stretch.
I think comparing oneself and life to others is fairly common, but it just gets so damn annoying. I know I’ve said this here before, but as far back as I can remember I’ve always felt just a little different than everyone else, always just kind of out of place. I’ve never been able to place why, and it’s odd how many times people say “Me, too!” when I say that because I’ve always looked at everyone else as being the “they” with whom I and others compare ourselves. So to hear people say they’ve felt the exact same way and know exactly what I’m talking about seems crazy to me. I’d love to walk through every single day thinking my space in this world is absolutely perfect, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and there’s not one thing else I should be doing, but that’s easier said than done when we’re constantly surrounded by massive amounts of wealth that will probably always make me feel “less than,” no matter how happy I am. And I am, actually, truly happy. Just wondering, that’s all. Does a little comparison ever completely end? Is it human nature, or am I just weird?
A friend said to me the other night that he admires how I’m always going through life with a smile. I was completely surprised, yet flattered, and said well how am I supposed to be, angry at all the “could have beens” all the time? I feel like it’s better to go through life not just looking at the cup as being half full but having that half full part be overflowingly full. Sure I could’ve stayed in NYC, been a multi-multi-millionaire by now, and be living in a ridiculously expensive luxury penthouse in Manhattan, but I didn’t. I knew there was no way Ryan would have stayed out there permanently, I didn’t really want to either, it would have been impossible to raise a family there the way we’re raising ours, and I honestly hated my job more than just about anything I’ve ever hated in my life. I realized the second I started working out there that everyone around me cared solely about money, and that’s not me. There is SO much more to life that they were constantly missing. Having money is definitely a good thing, but it’s not the only thing.
And without me and Ryan being us, none of our kids would be here; and they pretty much are my life. Yes we live in a too-small house with too many kids and we don’t get to do everything that everyone else gets to do or go everywhere that everyone else gets to go or have everything that everyone else gets to have, but they don’t get to have our kids and the love and fun we have with them, either. Our 5 children are healthy, they’re happy, they have fun in the now and the everyday, they don’t really want for anything, and for that simple fact I am so grateful. So that’s why I smile. Because although it isn’t much right now to most people, it’s everything to me. It’s mine. It’s the “what is,” not “what should be.” I really do cherish the days with my whole heart.
And when our house is finally done, it will be practically double the size it is now. The kids will be able to run upstairs to their room, something I’ve always wanted in a home. I am fully aware that the size of one’s house is not the be-all and end-all in life, but with a family of 7, a little more breathing room will be nice.
All right, there are my mind’s ramblings for the day. Sorry it’s not a post full of pictures of the kids again, but it’s good to let my brain dump every once in a while. I used to do that all the time on here, but then we had all those kids mentioned above and life filled up and the house filled up and so did my head. Don’t worry, it’s slowly starting to come back to normal. Then watch out, Dream Drive, here we come! Just kidding, I’ll just be over here arranging furniture in our new upstairs instead. 😉
It didn’t dawn on me until just a couple weeks ago that ringing in 2020 will not only start a new year but a whole new decade. What?! For some reason, that struck me hard. Woah, a new decade! It sounds so… big.
So then I started reflecting, something I rarely have time to do. The 2010s were pretty significant for me:
I started them at 30 years old; I’m ending them at 40.
I started them pregnant with our first child; I’m ending them with my pregnancies behind me.
We started them with 0 kids; we’re ending them with 5.
I started them having no clue what it meant to be a parent; I’m ending them as a pretty confident one.
I started them thinking having kids meant simply adding a baby to your family; I’m ending them knowing exactly how life changing having kids is. You’d better be prepared.
I started them working full time in the world of Wall St.; I’m ending them not working full time again for quite awhile, possibly ever. And definitely not in that arena; once I have the need/desire/time to go back to more time-consuming work, I will be looking for more freelance opportunities in my current editing field.
I started them putting myself first in pretty much all of my endeavors; I’m ending them knowing how to put others’ needs first constantly, namely those of 5 very small humans who live in my house. This past decade was definitely a lesson in selflessness and humility. Having kids can do that to a body.
This blog didn’t even exist in 2010; now it’s 9 years in.
Just us, pre kids and carefree
#30
#30
#40
#40
#40
Me then and now
Almost done as just a couple
Della
Last time as a family of 3
Lana
Last time as a family of 4
Morrison
Last time as a family of 5
Nat
Avit
The beginning, growth, and completion of our family
So. Our family is complete. Our house is nearing completion (that’s been over a decade-long project!). We are all healthy. And I’m happy. Simple joys, but ones that are important to me.
2010
2011 (in Hawaii!)
2012
2013
2014 (pregnant with Morrison)
2015
2016
2017 (pregnant with the twins)
2018 – complete!
2019 – welcoming a new decade!
Our New Year’s Eves of the past decade
Looking into the 2020s, I do have some feelings. And I say feelings, not goals, because that’s not how I roll. I don’t set tangible, hard goals or deadlines. I live by how things feel. It’s much easier.
I feel like getting to do some traveling with our brood. Doesn’t need to be elaborate or far, just exploring and seeing new places with the kids is fun.
I feel like getting to know our kids as growing individuals will be great. I spent the last decade, the whole of my 30s, having babies; now I’ll spend this one raising them. Hopefully I’ll do it right and they’ll be good people, assets to humanity, not a bunch of little turds.
I feel like these will be years of doing – finishing our house, enjoying where we live, watching the kids grow and thrive, living life as a big family.
I feel like getting to do some things my way, not just doing everything as governed by a baby. Or two.
2020. It sounds so futuristic, yet it’s here. The 1920s are the one era I always say I’d love to go back to if I ever got to time travel. Will the 2020s be my roaring ’20s?! Thank you, 2010s, for all you gave us. Now cheers to 2020 and the next new decade!
Everyone uses the hashtag #thisis40, but that’s not right for me. I turn 40 today, but it’s not just “this is 40.” This is MY 40. A number I’ve been dreading, but then again, age is just a number, isn’t it?
40 sounds both ancient and anew at the same time. When you’re
young, 40 seems so old. Over the hill… It’s all downhill from here… Old as dirt…
The clichés are just so wonderful. And when I was 20, 40 seemed like it was
light years away. Yet here I am already. But when you’re 90, 40 has to sound
young. I would think so, anyway. Hopefully I’ll be able to know in 50 years.
As of today, though, 40 is good. Feels no different than any other age so far. 😉
I’ve never envisioned life at 40, what I’d be doing at 40, how I’d feel at 40. I have always hated the question “Where do you see yourself in X years?” Or “Where do you want to be when you’re XX years old?” Why do people always ask that? I have never ever been one to look that far ahead in life, no matter the scenario. I mean yes, in a very general sense like savings in the bank, a roof over my head, etc. But not specifics. Ever. Like when you’re on a job interview you’re obviously supposed to say, “Oh, I see myself running the company in 5 years.” Or something equally as ass-kissing as that. A real go-getter. Ambitious. The corporate ladder climber. Whatever. My answer to myself has always been “I want to be happy.”
And I am happier than I’ve ever been. Ergo, I’d say 40 is off to a smashing success.
Let’s review why:
Many people my age are either currently working their dream job, still chasing it, or stuck in one that is far from it. I already had mine, worked that field for a decade, and crushed it. Not that many people can say they went directly to work on Wall St. from undergrad college, no graduate school whatsoever. And not only that, but that the investment bank for which they worked targeted them directly at school; they didn’t apply for a single thing. I can. Then when that part of the decade was over, I found the exact job I’d been wanting since school right here in Milwaukee. I worked there as long as I possibly could, until they shut their doors for good.
And I’ve been home with our kids ever since. From the moment Della was born, something inside me clicked, and all I ever wanted was to be able to stay home with her. I never wanted to go back to work, when I fully expected to be ready to return to my desk after maternity leave. I lost my job when I was 7 months pregnant with Lana, and that dream came true. Definitely not in the way we’d ever hoped, since losing a nice big salary was pretty alarming, but we’ve made it work. And added 3 more kids along the way…
Speaking of home, we’ve been wise enough with our finances to be able to pay this one off fully. That, in turn, allowed us to buy the one next door when it came up for sale, and we are now landlords. I never saw that one coming, either. Life is certainly full of surprises.
Speaking of home again, I recently taught myself how to patch drywall, fixed a rip on one of our bathroom walls, then repainted the whole bathroom. I also took a big anchor out of a wall in another room and filled and painted over that hole, too. Very minor tasks, yes, but at least now I feel like I can actually help a little bit with the never-ending scroll of a to-do list that constantly envelops our house. I also scrubbed every inch of our kitchen floor with baking soda and peroxide to clean off the 8 years of dirt and grime that had thoroughly soaked into every nook and cranny so we can seal the entire thing, and I nailed down a whole section of siding along our kitchen that has been flapping in the wind for years. Picture me patting myself on the back here.
I have a husband who started as my best friend in the world. He lived out east with me for one of the years I was there, and we’ve experienced some of the most fun, best days of my life together. And now we’ve been married for over 13 years.
We have 5 amazing children. Kind, creative, smart, loving, hilarious children. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself having this many kids, but here we are. And it’s not nearly as terrifying as I thought it would be when I was pregnant with the twins. The big 3 are incredible older siblings, and the twins are the funniest little nutballs ever. It gets loud around here, but it’s also full of love and laughter. Two big keys to happiness.
I have the most wonderful group of friends ever. And not just one group, but multiple groups. One giant mixture of different, fun, simply fantastic people. I realized just how lucky I am to have all these people in my life this past weekend, when Ryan somehow completely surprised me and gathered so many of them together to celebrate my birthday with us. It was truly one of the best nights of my life, and I don’t think I’ll stop smiling from it for a very long time.
I have my health, and so does our family. Please, universe, don’t curse me for putting this out there, because I know how incredibly fortunate we are with this. Sure, each of us has had strep throat or an ear infection these past couple months and right now half the kids can’t stop coughing, but that’s nothing we can’t handle. Big picture, we’re all doing a-ok. I can still exercise, which has always been important to me, and, after 5 kids, my abs can still do this. Superficial? Yes, but something I thought for sure was gone when I heard I’d be carrying 2 babies in there at once. This body has served me very well. I hope I can keep it in shape and running just as well for the next 40+ years!
So yeah, I guess age is just a number. My 20s were for working, being selfishly young, and having fun wherever and whenever we wanted; my 30s were for starting and completing our family; now my 40s and beyond will be for raising this family and enjoying every second life has to offer. 40 has always sounded frightening, probably because it sounds so grown up and I still don’t always fully feel like a grownup. But now that I’m here, it actually is just another day. A really, really good day.
I had to take a “last night of 30s” picture last night – it’s so lovely. Please notice not only my awesome winter pj’s that I’m still wearing in the heart of spring but also that the kids have given me their cold for my birthday. Sharing is caring. Also, I clearly prefer our bathroom for staging selfies. I’m really just showing off my newly painted walls. 😉 And I dug up a picture from my 30th birthday for a comparison with my head shot from today, 10 years and 5 kids later. The first 30th one’s blurry, so I threw in the one of me and Ryan, too. Happy birthday to me!
