Life as I know it – Page 7

July 31, 2013July 31, 2013

An anniversary, of sorts

It’s very hard to describe what all has happened during this past year of me being out of full-time work, because I’ve experienced such a huge range of emotions. Something bigger than I think I’ve ever felt before.

I started off scared shitless.

We were losing our big salary; we were losing full, employer-paid benefits; we were losing my life insurance through work; we were pulling Della out of a daycare that both we and she loved, taking her away from her friends, teachers, social interaction, and overall daily structure; we were losing our well-oiled routine.

Was I going to be a good mom staying home with Della? Was I going to be able to give her everything she had at daycare? Was she going to miss everyone there more than she enjoyed being home with just me? How long was my severance going to carry us? How long was I going to be home? How much were we going to have to sacrifice? How in the hell was I going to do this?

And oh yeah, I was almost 7 months pregnant. Delectable timing.

But in a matter of days, I went from more uncertain than I’d ever been in my life to so very, very happy.

I spent every day with Della. We went for walks; we went to the park; we went to the zoo; we played; we did little art projects in the basement; we actually met our neighbors and Della played with all the kids on our block. I became her everything, and it was glorious. She began talking more than she ever had, and it had to have been because she was the focus all day long instead of being one in a class where the teachers had to focus mainly on the kids as a whole. I’ll never forget – about 2 weeks after we’d been home the head of her daycare stopped by to drop off some last art projects and pictures of Della, and she was amazed by how much Della said to her when she came to the door. She said, “Oh my gosh, she never used to talk this much at daycare.” I was so proud.

It was the most lovely time. I was relaxed. I was having fun. I was increasing my stay-at-home motherhood ability level daily. I had not 1 iota of any stress from my job left whatsoever. I was loving our “new” routine, and I was so happy.

Then we hit October 21, 2012, and little Lana Marie entered our lives.

And I was doubly happy. Another little girl! I couldn’t believe it. All of my fears that I could never love another child as much as I loved Della instantly vanished. In their place was an exponentially increasing amount of love that I never fathomed could exist.

Our routine changed once again, but this time I didn’t have to worry about maternity leave and having to go back to work and sending them both off to daycare. I can’t even tell you how beautiful that was. Simply being able to focus on our new baby and being a mom to our 2 daughters was amazing.

I became everything to both Della and Lana now. (don’t worry, ryan is and always has been an enormous help and a wonderful father. i’m just referring to the fact that since i was home full-time, i was the one spending all day every day with these 2 little monkeys)

And then I went from being a blissfully happy new mama for the 2nd time to being not. I was lost.

I became overwhelmed by our days at home, all together, just us. I felt like all I ever did was nurse Lana, feed Della and wipe her butt, and clean the house. I began questioning my ability as a mother. I began questioning my worth as a wife. I began questioning me, and I hated it. I’m not good like that.

So our routine changed again. I got a part-time job, and it was a savior. I worked in a place I knew; the girls came with me but didn’t stay with me; their care was good and it was free; I liked my coworkers and they liked me. I was happy.

And that’s pretty much where we are now. I’ve been doing the part-time job gig at the gym for about 6 months, and it has worked out swimmingly. The girls love playing in the kids care room (for free!!); I enjoy doing something so easy and lighthearted as working a front desk; I love chatting with my coworkers and the gym members all throughout my time there; and although I no longer have a big employer-sponsored 401(k) and year-end bonus, there are actually a lot of perks – free gym memberships for me and the girls, discounts on classes and lessons (so della is now in her 2nd session of swim lessons and i’m thinking about enrolling her in dance next time. can you even imagine the cuteness?!), employer rewards for high-quality service (can you say free massage? thank you very much!), recognition by your peers (most contagious smile, that’s me), a non-existent stress level.

And oh yeah, I’m happy.

So I guess a lot has happened, actually. We’ve added to our family; I’ve gotten my first new job in almost a decade; Ryan got to spend a month at home with us for a mini-summer vacation; we’ve taken some awesome trips. My belief in myself as a mother is now rock-solid, my feeling of self-worth is unshakable, and I’ve even gotten in really good shape by running with these 2 beans in the jogging stroller. Can’t beat that, eh?

Sure the thoughts of when this routine will end have started creeping in, but there’s no definite answer yet. Ryan has thrown out October, since that will be Lana’s 1 year birthday, but I now want nothing more than to prolong my time home with the girls beyond any deadline. We have considered some scenarios that may do that, but like I said, nothing is for sure yet.

I’m just riding this wave and enjoying every day I have on it. I look back to those first days home with Della and how unsure I was and can’t help but laugh. Why was I so scared? This is exactly what I’ve always wanted since the day she was born. Just because I didn’t choose the circumstances surrounding how it came to be doesn’t mean it’s something bad. And now I fully realize that.

So happy 1 year of non-full-time working anniversary to me.

I am very happy.

May 6, 2013

They think I’m WAC-y!

Last night I attended the annual staff appreciation event the WAC holds, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. Ryan stayed home to watch the girls and at first I was very skeptical of going alone since I hate doing stuff like that by myself, but I’m glad I ended up going. I talked to a couple of the girls in the kids care room at work the other week to see if anyone else was going alone and a lot of people were, so I figured what the hell.

It was held downtown at the Milwaukee Athletic Club, and more than anything I just wanted to see the venue. It’s a fancy country club-type place to which I’d never been. (i work at the Wisconsin Athletic Club, this was held at the Milwaukee Athletic Club, with which the WAC has reciprocity membership. kinda confusing, i know)

The food was great, there were a ton of people there, and it was fun seeing everyone in something other than black and yoga pants. It actually took me a minute to recognize some of my coworkers since we girls all had our hair done nicely and were wearing dresses and heels. It was also entertaining watching a couple people get rather boisterous as the night wore on, the cash bar kept the drinks flowing, and the dance floor opened, but I was plenty content to observe all that from the sidelines.

Anyhoo… A number of awards were given out during dinner as well. There were some length of service awards, trainer and salesperson of the year, outstanding employee award, and on and on. In addition, each of our 6 clubs gave out peer awards – every employee received a ballot with their invitation and was supposed to vote for a coworker from their home club for each of the handful of categories listed.

In an amazing twist of fate, I won one!! The North Shore WAC, which is the one at which I work, bestowed upon me the “Most Contagious Smile” award. I was so surprised and deeply flattered. I’ve only worked there for about 3 moths, so the fact that enough people voted for me to win something was crazy. A number of members have told me how nice my smile is and appreciate that I always greet them cheerfully, but I had no idea so many of my coworkers felt the same way. And I got $25. Excellent.

And last week my boss gave me a gift certificate for a half hour massage, simply as a thank you for all that I do there. Sweet! Who knew working the front desk at a gym would be such a great gig?

In related news, Wednesday is my birthday. Well I guess that’s actually completely unrelated, but whatever. It’s just what I thought of next.

I’m never one to shun my birthday; I usually love celebrating it to the fullest. But just a few days ago I was remarking on the fact that it was already going to be May, and I realized I had honestly forgotten about my birthday.

I don’t mean like oh shoot, it’s just my little ol’ birthday, it’s nothing special. I mean like I literally had not given it one half of a thought this year. Guess that’s what happens when your life revolves around 2 tiny human beings – 99% of my brain is dedicated to them, the other 1% goes to me, Ryan, the house, what I need to do on a daily basis to stay sane and keep things running. You know, no big deal.

At least spring seems to finally have sprung around here. The lowest high temperature I see through the extended forecast is high 50s, which is much better than the high 30s we saw so recently. About damn time this year. My tulips and lilacs may actually bloom soon. Yay, my beloved May flowers!

April 30, 2013June 1, 2013

Summer lovin’

I am beyond thrilled that the weather is finally starting to turn. Huge emphasis on the finally. I swear this winter seemed to never end, no matter what date the calendar read. Having a newborn during those miserable winter months wasn’t the most fun either, but that’s not the point of this post…

This summer is going to be so much fun. Ryan’s place of employment allows them the full calendar year after a baby is born to take parental leave, so he has saved his and will be taking a good portion of June and July off. We get a summer vacation as a family this year! I can’t wait. First up will be a nice long road trip out to Colorado to visit my sisters and meet our brand new nephew, who should be making his appearance sometime in the next couple weeks!! (Marissa, if you’re reading, did you just poop your pants at that thought? 😉 )

But I think I will coin this the summer of music. We have more concerts lined up so far than I think we’ve had in any other season. Check this out:

Kenny Chesney & Eric Church at Miller Park in May
Tedeschi Trucks Band at Red Rocks in June
Violent Femmes & The Avett Brothers at Summerfest in June
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers at Summerfest in June
Rush at Summerfest in July
The Eagles at Summerfest in July
Paul McCartney at Miller Park in July

Come on! That is one hell of a lineup! This is going to be awesome.

And on a completely different note, I bought a new face lotion that I am loving. Despite containing a broad spectrum SPF 30, it’s super light and not greasy at all. This is something I definitely appreciate with oily skin. I just started using it so I’m not sure how truly effective its claim to reduce dark spots is (i really hope that works, though), but everything else about it is great. It smells really good too, which is a major criterion for me with any product ever since my sense of smell went haywire when I was pregnant with Della.

That’s about it for today; just some random thoughts for you all. Get out and enjoy the day – it’s supposed to be in the 80s here! The girls and I are going to the park for the first time in months, and D is so excited. I just ordered a double jogging stroller that is supposed to arrive today, and I can’t wait to test it out.

April 8, 2013April 5, 2013

7 years

Today is my and Ryan’s 7th wedding anniversary. It was one of the best days of my life.

it was a beautiful, cloudless, cold day

no wedding prep is complete without mimosas!

i was so excited

do what?

true love – he cleaned goose poop off my wedding shoes

we ate cake!

so very, very much fun

and we danced ourselves silly. the dance floor was never empty

Cheers to many, many more!

January 14, 2013January 14, 2013

We’re molting! And other news

I guess more accurately we’re shedding, but I liked molting better. But either way, the time has come for the postpartum shed to begin. Yuck! And this time it’s not just me, but Lana too. Her tiny little hairs are falling out all over the place, as are my foot-long ones. Again, yuck!

I don’t remember Della losing her hair at this point so much, but then again she had a fraction of the amount of hair that Lana does. Hers did fall out too, but maybe it just wasn’t so obvious since there was less of it. I just hope this doesn’t last for 3 months again, making me think my hairline is receding like it did last time, because I detest cleaning hair up from every surface of the house.

Let’s see, what else… Della and I actually did a craft project today! I know, stop the presses. Every so often they would send home their little placemats from daycare with a picture of the kid and other stickers and pictures and stuff on them. We have 2 past ones, and Ryan thought it needed updating. So that was our project for this morning. I think it turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. She picked all the pictures out of a magazine, I cut them out and glued them on, then she adorned it with stickers.

And speaking of daycare, D’s going back! Well, just 1 day a week, but I think she’ll love it. She still talks about 3 of her friends from there all the time, and I always feel bad when she does, thinking, well don’t get your hopes up because you’ll probably never see them again. I actually did ask the daycare director if they’re still there, and all but 1 of them are.

So we’re starting this Wednesday. Ryan will either drop her off and pick her up on his way home from work, or I’ll keep the car that day and play taxi. I really think she’ll enjoy being back with all the other kids, I’ll get a day to focus only on Lana, we can do it on a drop in basis, and we already know we love the place. Win, win, win, win, win…

Also, get this. I applied for a job! It’s just a part-time front desk position at the gym where I train and used to belong, so it’s not like I’m setting out to make my fortune here. I knew a long time ago that if I ever lost my last job, I would be very hard-pressed to make 6 figures again unless I did that same thing. Which I don’t really think I want to right now. So why not do something more lighthearted and fun?

The other great thing about this job would be I could probably take the girls into the kid care room while I was there, plus I’d get a membership for free. Winning again! It would just be a couple hours in the weekday mornings, whichever days they have openings. I spoke with the guy in charge of the front desk staffing today, and he will be working on February’s schedule later this week, obviously filling openings with current staff first then going from there. So he said he’ll let me know later in the week one way or the other.

I also said I would volunteer if they have no paid openings right now, which would still get us out of the house and me a free membership. So hopefully something will pan out there. I think it’s kind of a long shot since I didn’t see any front desk part-time openings on their website, but you never know. I’ll keep you posted.

Sooo… I think that’s about it. Fortunately 2013 seems to be off to a good start, and I’m feeling much better about everything these days. I definitely feel much more found than lost right now, and I am so thankful for that.

January 6, 2013January 7, 2013

The first time of many, I’m sure

Yesterday we went to an annual family Christmas party, and it’s always a great time. Ryan has a really big family, so fun always ensues when everyone gets together. And this year was no different. Except for one thing…

There were 2 little girls there, one of whom was 6 and the other must have been the same age. They were running around together the whole time, having a blast. One of the girls literally wheeled in a suitcase full of toys when she and her family arrived, which she immediately proceeded to dump out on one of the couches.

Well of course Della saw that and made a bee-line for that mountain of dolls, cars, blankets, and other crap. I could tell the little girl was less than pleased that little D came creeping over to play, so I just made sure Della knew that those were not her toys and that she was sharing. All was well.

Later in the afternoon the girl who brought all the toys was running around with a blanket draped over her like a cape, which Della thought was fantastic. D was having the time of her life chasing after the caped girl and the other one; she probably ran a million laps around the place where the party was. I thought oh great, they’re having fun, that’ll keep D entertained for hours.

Well shortly after the blanket adventures began, I glanced over to where D and this girl were, and the girl was chiding D and wagging her finger in D’s face while wearing a very stern expression. Della was sitting on the floor in front of the girl, and the look on her face just made my heart break. It was a mixture of sadness, confusion, and disappointment that this girl with whom she’d been having so much fun was telling her she couldn’t play anymore.

I was so mad. I completely understand that 6 year olds rarely want to play with 2 year olds, but Della was completely harmless. These girls were running around like banshees anyway, so what did they care that D was following them? She couldn’t even keep up with the circles they were all running anyway. Della’s little head would come bobbing around the corner a good half lap behind the other two each time. I just kept thinking how dare she point her finger in my daughter’s face like she’s the boss? As ludicrous as it sounds, I was royally pissed.

After I saw that I couldn’t keep my eyes off the trio. I became obsessed with making sure Della didn’t get her beautiful little spirit crushed again. I kept seeing the pair of older girls go up to Della, then run away, teasing her into chasing them like they wanted her to play. But then they’d go into the bathroom and hide from her.

At one point they happened to walk up next to where I was standing holding Lana, and I heard them saying something about “oh no, there she is” and having to get away from the little girl. I told them to just leave Della alone because she’s only 2 and just wanted to play with them.

Then one time when I went into the bathroom to wash out a water bottle, Della was in there crawling on the floor trying to get under one of the stall doors because the girls were hiding in it. I about barfed seeing her crawl on the bathroom floor, so while washing her hands I made some comment to D like, “oh, are the girls in there?” She said yes and I could hear them giggling, and I said I thought they were hiding from her. She of course didn’t understand what that meant, so I asked them why they were hiding. They said they were hiding from the boys and Della, and I said well Della just wants to play with you guys because she likes you. They said “I know” in unison and just kind of laughed.

I don’t know if my prodding helped, or if they just decided to give up trying to “get away from that little girl”, but from that point on it seemed like they actually didn’t mind having D run around with them as much. At one point the 3 of them were actually sitting on the hearth of the fireplace together, looking at some toy. And of course D wanted to run around the rest of the time with one of her new blankets tied around herself like the other girl had been. Ok fine, if it makes my baby girl happy.

Now before you yell at me for being a crazy, overprotective parent, yes, I know Della had no idea that the girls weren’t playing with her but were trying to get away from her most of the time. She was just thrilled to be seeing other kids and running around. And she probably had no idea what the one girl was even talking about when she had her finger in D’s face. But I did. And I just couldn’t help feeling crushed.

Della and Lana are little pieces of my heart and soul running around outside my body now, and I will always try to protect them. Especially when they’re this young. So knowing that someone was purposely trying to quash Della’s innocent little sparkle and make her have a bad time just killed me. I seriously wanted to cry when I saw D sitting there on the floor, just wanting to play, and having that poor little look on her face while getting pointed at and scolded by a 6 year old little brat. I wanted to simultaneously scoop her up and smother her in hugs and slap the other girl for not including my daughter. (of course not for real slap, geez)

This little episode got me thinking, though. If I feel this bad when my girls get little hurts like this (i should say nonexistent really, since between me and d i was the only one who knew what was going on), what am I going to do when they go through the inevitable big hurts? I won’t always be there monitoring the situations and making sure everyone lets them play.

My greatest wish as a parent is that Ryan and I instill in our children the senses of confidence and compassion and knowing right from wrong. And more than simply knowing right from wrong, having the strength and self-confidence to act right instead of wrong, especially when wrong is the far easier choice. So hopefully when the big hurts come, as I know they unfortunately will, our girls will be able to navigate through them and come out on the other sides relatively unscathed and stronger.

This protecting my heart and soul when it now has its own legs and runs circles around me… Does it ever get any easier?