Author: Jocelyn Rau

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Me

I just turned 42. Super exciting, I know. It’s not one of the fun ones, like, I just turned 21! or I just turned 30! or even I just turned 40! 42. Meh.

And, honestly, for the first time I’m actually starting to feel age. Not necessarily feeling “my age” or feeling “like I’m aging,” just age. Everyone told me 40 is when the wheels start to fall off – stiffness getting out of bed, random aches and pains, making noises when you sit down or get up just because. Ha! You know the ones.

But lucky me, I escaped one extra year and didn’t feel any afflictions until 41. This past year was a doozy overall to be sure, and maybe it just took more of a toll on me than I realized as we were living right through it. I started seeing a chiropractor last summer for a sore neck and hip, and every adjustment makes everything feel so much better. I’ve never really gone because my back hurts, though, which has always seemed funny to me. However, since then, my right shoulder has been sore, my knees have started aching, I have arthritis in my finger, and my elbows have been inflamed. I’m sorry, what? Swollen elbows?? What the fuck. These all come and go, thankfully not all sticking around permanently or at the same time, but still.

Thinking on it, though, this body of mine has put in a lot of work. Maybe it’s no wonder I’m starting to feel it. I swam 4 years collegiately, which alone could have done me in. I’ve run hundreds of miles since then, raced numerous 5Ks, competed in a handful of triathlons, run a half marathon, carried and borne 5 babies, and am raising those babies every day. And thankfully, I can still do all of it. Well, no more carrying and bearing babies, that’s for damn sure, but the rest of it. Exercise is necessary for me – sound mind and body – and I’m grateful it’s part of my everyday life. In fact, I ran my quickest 5K in recent days on my birthday. Probably because I wasn’t pushing the twins in the stroller!

Speaking of those babies, I’ve become obsessed with the show Call the Midwife. It’s about midwives in 1950s’ East End London, and I can’t get enough. Of course I put our children into every grim situation shown in the episodes, and it makes me so eternally grateful that our 5 are healthy and thriving. There’s plenty of food on the table (that thankfully Ryan cooks!), our rooms are clean and warm, everyone has clothes and shoes, and I’m able to stay home with the kids. Our house is small, yes, but it’s perfectly comfortable and overflowing with love. Plus we own the one next door, too, if we get really sick of each other. And here’s the thing about humongous houses – there’s lots of room to spread out, but there are also lots of bathrooms to clean. With twins who are potty training, 1 bathroom of pee to clean is more than enough for me!

Although 42 is a rather uneventful age, I had an incredibly fun birthday weekend. Ryan was a total bonehead earlier that week so I was fully prepared for an annoying, disappointing day, but he made a miraculous turnaround. I did pretty much whatever I wanted on my birthday – slept in, woke up to amazing decorations and gifts and a delicious egg and cheese sandwich from the kids, walked over to our neighborhood donut shop for treats and coffee with the kids, they all played outside while I went for a run, they got their own picnic lunch together in the back yard, Ryan made a fantastic dinner of beef tenderloin/scallops/chopped salad, and our 2 great friends came over to eat and celebrate that night. Plus Ryan did all the dishes for me! The next day was Mother’s Day, on which I got more adorable homemade gifts from the kids, then we went up to see Ryan’s family for the first time in over a year and take family pictures. It turned out to be much more fun than I expected, and the pictures are beautiful.

So there I am. 42. It may be a boring number, but life certainly isn’t boring these days and I cherish each of them fully. I’ll be over here just drinking my turmeric and ginger tea and taking my multi-collagen while wearing my heated neck massager, you know, to combat all my newfound aches and inflammation. 😉

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April 8

Was a big day around here. The big 3 went back to in-person school for the first time in 174 school days, and it was mine and Ryan’s 15th anniversary.

Last virtual reading group
Last day of virtual school for this crew!
Last virtual P.E. class together
Last virtual day picture with her teacher.
She adored Miss Safer at Richards!
Thumbs up – all done!

The kids are so happy to be back in the classrooms with their teachers and friends, and so am I! We were elated that Della and Morrison’s teachers switched back to in person, too, so they got to stay with them. Lana’s virtual teacher actually didn’t keep her own classroom this quarter so Lana wouldn’t have been able to stay with her anyway, and Lana’s new teacher seems wonderful. Plus, her virtual teacher now helps out with reading groups in Morrison’s class and Lana gets to see her for an hour each Wednesday during asynchronous office hours, so that worked out great. As much as I miss not having them here all day anymore, I feel with every fiber of my being that sending them back for this final quarter of the school year was definitely the right choice for us. Even the walking to/from school routine feels good again. We’ve still had asynchronous Wednesdays, so I do get to keep them with me those days.

Gotta celebrate with a Fun Lunch!

They hopped right back into the school swing, too. They unload their backpacks right when we get home, wash their lunch boxes and water bottles, do any homework (usually only Della), give me any papers out of their folders (usually only Lana and Morrison), then make their lunches and snacks for the next day after dinner. I absolutely love the independence they’ve gained in these chores. They enjoy making their own lunches and I don’t, so it’s a win-win!

First morning walking to school in over a year!

We didn’t have a big celebration for #15. Ryan sent me a beautiful flower arrangement, I hung up the decorations Lana had made for Valentine’s Day that we were saving for this, and I opened a nice bottle of sparkling wine before dinner. I put on my wedding dress, too, which Avit absolutely loved helping to arrange.

Lana’s anniversary present for us. She made it immediately when we got home from school and had me send a picture of it to her teacher. 🙂 It says “Here comes the bride all dressed in white.”

I say it pretty much every spring, but I can’t believe we’re in May already and nearing the end of yet another school year. Della and I had her middle school tour last night (what the?!?!?!). I will be a total mess the last week of this school year with all the fun activities and celebrations they have planned for the 5th graders’ sendoff from elementary school. Even though the middle school looks incredible and I know she’ll love it, it’s breaking my heart that we’re not all going to be walking to and from the same school together each day anymore, and she won’t be at the same school with any of her siblings again until her senior year of high school. I know these are all just steps in life, but they’re scary for me. I know my kids little, and I love it this way. I obviously won’t love them any less as they grow up, but I’m having a really hard time letting go.

So there we go. April 8 – it was a good day.

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My fifth

You cried. You shouted. You kicked your little feet. You tossed off your blanket. You gathered up all your “guys” and came out of the room, telling me you weren’t taking a nap in a tiny little peep.

What do you think you’re doing? Get back in there right now and go to sleep. No longer, little one, will you try to creep.

Your brother is sleeping, somehow oblivious to your noise. You tried to sleep together to start this nap but couldn’t calm down and agree, my silly boys.

“I don’t want to sleep!” you said. “I’m not sleepy!” you said. But with your little lisp, it came out “I’m not thweepy!” instead.

After 30 more minutes, I knew you needed some rest. So I went to you with calm, trying my best.

I laid you back down, snuggled you up with your guys. Exhaustion was close, as the whole time you barely opened your eyes.

I put my hand on your chest. I held you firmly but not hard. Your body is tired, little one, your cries have played your last card.

Within minutes you yawned. A wide shudder ushering in sleep. I could sense your little body settling and your heartbeat slowing down deep.

Your eyes darted back and forth under the lids, and I knew the time had about come. I was willing you to sleep before the big kids’ time playing outside was done.

I set a 5-minute limit, my hand on your chest the whole time. I didn’t even make it to 3, and sleep left you peaceful and sublime.

You fought. You tested. I helped. We rested. A piece of my heart sleeping in angelic physical form on this earth.

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One year

Today marks 1 year that we have officially been in this global health pandemic (declared as such on March 11, 2020). Friday, March 13, 2020, was the day we learned that school would be closed for a month while everyone tried to figure this all out. Wahoo – an extended spring break!

Our shutdown spread last year, 3-13-20

Well, yeah, not quite.

As we all know, our schools stayed closed for the rest of last school year and Ryan worked from home until August. Masks have been mandated since then. Social distancing is now (supposed to be) the norm. Our kids started this next school year virtually and have been so since September. Life as we knew it became a little topsy-turvy.

And we had it easy. Horribly, a staggering 2.6 million+ people have perished from this virus so far worldwide, with over 500,000 of those right here in our own country. Inconceivable.

However, around here…

I *think* things might be starting to change.

I *think* we might get through the worst of this sometime this year if people can just keep their acts together. Yes, still wear your masks. Yes, still stay away from me if we’re strangers and I have no idea what your COVID-19 business is. Yes, still keep gatherings to a minimum.

I *think* I can feel a little hope creeping in that we might all (and by all, i mean all 7 of my immediate family) actually get to the other side of this without getting sick. There is 1 caveat to this coming in a few paragraphs, though, by way of school…

I *think* I’ll feel comfortable enough to do more outside our home and close bubble sooner than later.

There are a lot of factors at play here, though, to make all these *thinks* come true:

  • We need the vaccines to keep getting here readily and for everyone to actually get them. I’m eagerly awaiting my turn, hopefully come May. That’d be a great birthday present!
  • We need people to stay smart. Don’t crowd yourselves into a bar, restaurant, movie theater, shop, what-have-you just because you have your vaccine and a mask. Does anyone else around you? Has anyone else around you just been exposed and nobody realizes it yet? Did any of those mask-less patrons next to you just sneeze on your back and you didn’t know it because it’s too crowded?
  • We need the 3 Ws to stay in play – wear a mask, wash your hands, and watch your distance.

Numbers are encouraging since the vaccines have come out, but we are definitely not out of the woods yet. We are still in this thing, and I just hope enough people keep remembering that to keep us all safe. I’m ecstatic that you’ve gotten both of your doses and are seemingly in the clear for now. I haven’t, though, and neither has my family.

And yes, after 3 full quarters even though I said we’d go back after 1 if everything stayed healthy and open, we are going back to in-person school for the final quarter of this school year. The big 3 had all decided they wanted to stay virtual and with their current teachers for the rest of the year when the school board threw us a curveball – at the start of Q3 a month or so ago, they began the “phase-in” process, whereby all grades eased into a 4-day-a-week in-person schedule instead of the 2-day-a-week in-person blended model. Our whole district is now in person 4 days a week with Wednesdays remaining asynchronous for the remainder of this school year, and so far it sounds like it’s so good.

So we’re gonna give it a shot. Della really wants to be back in the classroom for a little while before moving up to middle school next year, and I know Lana and Morrison want to be at the same school with her one more time. Fortunately Della and Morrison will get to see their current teachers at recess duty (assuming they stay the virtual teachers for their grades) and Lana can still pop into her teacher’s Wednesday office hours since they’ll now be at different schools, because they will all miss their teachers terribly. I’m going to be a wreck! For as much as I can feel the cabin and spring fevers creeping in for all of us and know they’ll love being back at school, I’m going to miss them terribly. These are 3 giant pieces of my heart and soul with whom I’ve been lucky enough to spend every day of the past year. We’ll never have time like this together again. Well, I’m assuming not, but after last year I guess I shouldn’t say that with too much certainty. Wish us luck!

Spring is in the air, and hopefully soon less coronavirus will be, too. This March is definitely different from last March – no 50-lb. bags of flour and beans to stock our basement pandemic shelves, no worrying about running out of toilet paper since all the store shelves were raided and empty, no constant family game nights, no homemade pretzels and countless loaves of homemade bread being made, no cutesie little pandemic art projects. I think we were all over that a while ago. Now we just want to be able to move on for good.

Stay safe, my friends. Stay safe.

Our 1-year anniversary spread tonight, 3-12-21. Some things don’t change. 😉

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They’re three!

The twins just turned 3 and life with them is anything but dull, that’s for sure!

They had a really fun day to celebrate the big 0-3. Grandpa Frank came into town for the weekend since his birthday is the day before theirs, we got a huge snowstorm on their birthday, our great friend Miss Clara came over to sing happy birthday at lunch time, and they got 2 cakes! Della made them a fantastic Uni and Mickey funfetti cake by request, and I ordered an awesome Daniel Tiger cake from my favorite bakery in Peoria that Grandpa brought up.

We don’t have their 3-year well check for a couple weeks, so I’ll update their stats here once we’ve seen the doctor.

**ETA: We had their well check on February 17, so here are the official 3-year stats:

Nat

  • Height: 39.5″ (90%)
  • Weight: 34 lbs. (73%)
  • Head circumference: 51 cm
  • BMI: 15.3 kg/m2 (26%)
  • Blood pressure: 96/62

Avit

  • Height: 39.25″ (87%)
  • Weight: 35 lbs. (80%)
  • Head circumference: 53 cm
  • BMI: 16 kg/m2 (50%)
  • Blood pressure: 92/60

I tend to use the word “crazy” to describe them, but I don’t want to give them a complex. 😀 They are constantly running, jumping, wrestling each other, chasing after the big kids and doing anything they can to get on their school meetings, shouting and laughing as they tear through the house, and running some more.

They are incredibly smart, and it manifests itself differently in each of them. Avit has glommed onto Morrison’s electronic Lego Super Mario and instantly knew how to control it to earn coins, make the eyes light up different ways, talk, etc. He also figured out how to use all the functionality on the new little cameras they got for their birthdays within about 5 minutes of opening them. Anything with a button he figures out immediately. No tablet or remote is safe when he’s around. He also loves stop signs!

Nat is the artist. He loves to color and was staying in the lines almost perfectly months ago. He also commands the electronics, but his go-to is more often the bag of markers.

They both love to read through all the little board books we have, and they have become really good at puzzles, too. Their current overall favorites include Daniel Tiger, Cuphead and Mugman, Super Mario now thanks to Morrison’s Lego sets, Peppa Pig, and Little Angel and Cocomelon (shows very similar to Little Baby Bum, their first dose of baby mind control :)). They love to sing, know their ABCs, Avit can count to 20 and Nat can count to 10, and they each have their own bedtime song – Nat gets Mr. Sun and Avit gets Twinkle, Twinkle. Their words have increased and improved by leaps and bounds since last year, and they both speak in full sentences. I still have to translate often, but they are definitely understandable.

I have finally weaned them down to only using their pacifiers during naps and at night, and they still love all their “guys.” Nat has Uni, Llama Llama, Mr. Bear, Fluffy Nigh-Night, and snuggies; and Avit has Elmo, Mickey Mouse, Mr. Elly (elephant), and snuggies. No, we have not even begun potty training because neither of them shows any interest whatsoever and it’s absolutely impossible to potty train a kid who doesn’t want to, so don’t bother asking. 😉

For as loud and crazy and frustrating as they can be, they are some of the most loving, snuggly little boys in the world. Nat gives the biggest wraparound monkey hugs, and I wouldn’t trade Avit’s slobbery kisses for anything.

Life with twin little boys is definitely harder than anything I ever anticipated, but I still look at them in amazement every day. Their beautiful little personalities and spirits do bring so much joy to this house, even though it usually comes with a lot of volume and occasionally some headaches, too. I love them so much, and fortunately the heart-filling times far outnumber the times they send me fleeing into the basement to escape.

Happy 3rd birthday, Nat Jennings and Avit Jerome!! We love you two so very much, and watching you grow from newborns into kids together is an incredible journey.

And now for the 3-year comparison posts and photos!

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Exhale

The day started early – kids testing at 2 schools before a usual day even begins. Before coffee. One ran late, I worried I wouldn’t get the next there on time. Exhale.

An outgoing President (ab)using his powers to the end. Not even attending his successor’s inauguration. Selfish and living in his altered reality still. But he left a note. Exhale.

A woman sworn in as Vice President of the United States of America. A woman of color. The first. WOMAN. Exhale.

A man sworn in as President of the United States of America. Our oldest yet, but true. Honest, empathetic, present. A man who’s endured personal tragedy one would never wish upon their greatest foe. Spent his career in our nation’s halls of democracy. Third time’s a charm. #46. Exhale.

No violence. No protests. No bloodshed. No shouting. No fighting. No casualties. Exhale.

Hope for tomorrow. Breath for tomorrow. A sense of a future we can believe in again. A sense of a future of respect and unity. A sense of a future of pride. A long road ahead for certain, but one that now feels walkable. A sense of a future. Period. Exhale.

My eyes burn by the end of the night. Heavy from verging on tears all day. Tears of stress; then joy, relief, hope. Heavy from exhaustion. Exhaustion from the release of the weight of the past years that I had no idea was even affecting me. Heavy from being on edge all day waiting for something to happen. Heavy from being relieved beyond belief that it never did. Heavy from fully realizing the importance of this day for not just me but for my children. They can do anything. Exhale.

Sleep well tonight. Tomorrow dawns bright. Exhale.

1-20-21. Biden Harris. Exhale.

Artist: Julia Burzon

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Roaring ’20

2020, man. What the fuck happened??

The year started off so great: A new decade! So exciting! So hopeful! The next 10 years! Remember?

That train went off the rails pretty quickly, eh?

A global pandemic that’s killing millions. Mother Nature hating humankind – raging wildfires, a million hurricanes and tropical storms, floods, blizzards. Murder hornets. Swarming locusts. Economies on destructive roller coasters. Widespread unemployment and shuttered businesses. The bastard racism alive and well. Nationwide protests. An election that tested the foundation of this country and shook us to our core. Holidays spent mostly apart from family and friends physically but connected electronically. Social distancing. Zoom. Virtual. Synchronous. Asynchronous. Wear a mask! A new normal.

Safer at home and lockdown last spring were actually not that bad. As I’ve said time and again, being home and not having to load all 5 up to go anywhere is my specialty. The big 3 did great with virtual school during that time and got a couple chances to connect with their teachers again by the end of the school year, even though we weren’t in classrooms anymore.

{If you’d like a little year-end review of those posts, here’s what happened during weeks 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and post.}

However.

As summer vacation rolled in and our normally relaxed, unscheduled days dawned, the coziness of all 7 of us being at home together got a little less cozy by the hour.

If I heard, “I’m on a call!” once more… If the boys ran through the house at top speed and crashed into something or each other once more… If the girls bickered over who went first for whatever or got to control the remote to watch whatever or just whatever whatever once more…

As a normally very even-keeled person, experiencing a constant, humongous range of emotions became exhausting. Happy! Crabby! Chilled out! Angry! Elated! Enraged! Loving! Crying! Laughing! I lost my shit more times than I have in my entire adult life before March of this year, and I began questioning things that I held as rock solid in every aspect before the stretch of time that was 2020. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t kill 1 or more of us daily.

Actually, wine. It was probably wine that saved all of our lives.

I kid. Kind of.

I had also planned to finally take all 5 kids to Canada with my mom and sisters for a vacation this summer, but obviously that didn’t happen with the border closure. We did take a couple of shorter trips within the Midwest, though, so those helped to get the ants out of our pants a little. And then Ryan went back to work in his building in August, and we started to slide back to a slightly reduced level of insanity. And rage on my end, I won’t lie.

As you know, when school started again in September we chose to keep the big 3 fully virtual. With the success they’d had at home last spring and the complete uncertainty of how everything was going to play out with in-person schooling and the spread of covid-19, we felt it was right for us. Fortunately it’s worked out great so far, with each grade having enough students choose fully virtual that each of their classes has a dedicated fully virtual teacher, not splitting her time between those students in class and those on screen. And again, that not having to get everyone out the door at a certain time each morning thing… I’ve gotten very used to it! We get to choose virtual/in person by quarter, and I think we’re going to stick with fully virtual all year. The kids all love their teachers, as do I; they’re doing an excellent job; and they haven’t missed a beat instruction-wise or socially.

And now here we are, the calendar about to flip yet again. The kids and I did get a little in-person family time before Christmas, and the rest of this holiday season we enjoyed here at home, the 7 of us together. I definitely don’t have the same excitement going into 2021 as I did coming into 2020, but I do have a take-it-as-it-comes attitude. I think that’s what 2020 taught us; well, me, at least – you have absolutely no idea what’s heading at you next, so take it as it comes as best you can. I count my blessings daily (literally, believe me!) that we all have our health, Ryan still has his job, I am still able to be home full time with the kids, the roof over our heads is still standing, and we can put food on our table.

(*click on each image in the gallery to enlarge it*)

  • Gobble, gobble!
  • So very thankful
  • New Santa bags!
  • School at Grandma & Grandpa’s!
  • Our own private Nutcracker party this year
  • Franz, our waiter, ha!
  • Starting off winter break with a breakfast of hot cocoa and candy canes
  • Snow day!

So, 2021, here we come. 2020, you can fuck off. We survived you, and we’re thankfully still going. As my grandma says, “Cherish the days. March on.” That, and I just restocked the wine cellar.