Dear Morrison,
I owe you an apology. And it’s for something of which I’m sure you have no notion nor will you ever have any recollection whatsoever. But I still feel I need to tell you, from my heart to yours.
I’m afraid I haven’t been a very good mama to you for much of your infancy. And yes, you’re only 9 months old so still in your infancy, but it’s mainly the earlier and mid-infancy months of which I speak.
I don’t think I’ve been the mama you deserve. Because you deserve the absolute very best, my sweet boy, and that has not always been me.
Don’t worry, I have loved you from the very second I knew I was pregnant with you, as you are my child and part of me. But there were times when I honestly did not like you very much. And trust me, it makes me feel terrible to even say that.
And the reason why makes me feel even worse, because it’s not just an “oh he’s crying, I don’t really like him right now” or “oh he’s not sleeping again, which I don’t really like” kind of not liking you. Although I’m sure the sleep deprivation didn’t really help matters. I really, truly didn’t like you, my very own son.
Because you were a boy.
And because I had wanted another girl and therefore thought I wasn’t capable of loving a little boy.
And that I couldn’t love a little boy as much as I love your sisters.
And that I wasn’t a “boy mom” and never could be.
I know, it’s absurd. I fully, 100% recognize and admit that fact. And that’s why feeling this way about you has eaten me up and made me feel like an absolute miserable parent. Who in their right mind would feel unable to love one of their own children as much as any others for any reason?
Me. And I’m more sorry than you will ever know.
But for some reason, over the past month or so, this feeling has lifted. All of a sudden one weekend I had so much fun with you and realized how utterly idiotic I had been feeling and probably acting. For although I never treated you poorly or worse than your sisters or badly or anything like that, I felt like I was subconsciously doing so due to my irrational mind-set.
It’s totally stupid, I know, believe me. Because I love you with my whole heart and soul, just as I do your sisters. And I never ever want anything less than the best possible things in life for each and every one of you. That I’ve always known.
And now I also know that there’s no such thing as a “boy mom” or a “girl mom.” There is simply mom. And I am one.
I’m yours. And I’m your sisters’.
And I am positively the best mama there ever could be for you. I promise to keep acting like it, now that I’ve finally started.
So please forgive me, my dear baby boy. You are my little lovebug. You always have been and you always will be.
Love,
Mama
