1 year ago today, this happened.
It’s very hard to describe what all has happened during this past year of me being out of full-time work, because I’ve experienced such a huge range of emotions. Something bigger than I think I’ve ever felt before.
I started off scared shitless.
We were losing our big salary; we were losing full, employer-paid benefits; we were losing my life insurance through work; we were pulling Della out of a daycare that both we and she loved, taking her away from her friends, teachers, social interaction, and overall daily structure; we were losing our well-oiled routine.
Was I going to be a good mom staying home with Della? Was I going to be able to give her everything she had at daycare? Was she going to miss everyone there more than she enjoyed being home with just me? How long was my severance going to carry us? How long was I going to be home? How much were we going to have to sacrifice? How in the hell was I going to do this?
And oh yeah, I was almost 7 months pregnant. Delectable timing.
But in a matter of days, I went from more uncertain than I’d ever been in my life to so very, very happy.
I spent every day with Della. We went for walks; we went to the park; we went to the zoo; we played; we did little art projects in the basement; we actually met our neighbors and Della played with all the kids on our block. I became her everything, and it was glorious. She began talking more than she ever had, and it had to have been because she was the focus all day long instead of being one in a class where the teachers had to focus mainly on the kids as a whole. I’ll never forget – about 2 weeks after we’d been home the head of her daycare stopped by to drop off some last art projects and pictures of Della, and she was amazed by how much Della said to her when she came to the door. She said, “Oh my gosh, she never used to talk this much at daycare.” I was so proud.
It was the most lovely time. I was relaxed. I was having fun. I was increasing my stay-at-home motherhood ability level daily. I had not 1 iota of any stress from my job left whatsoever. I was loving our “new” routine, and I was so happy.
Then we hit October 21, 2012, and little Lana Marie entered our lives.
And I was doubly happy. Another little girl! I couldn’t believe it. All of my fears that I could never love another child as much as I loved Della instantly vanished. In their place was an exponentially increasing amount of love that I never fathomed could exist.
Our routine changed once again, but this time I didn’t have to worry about maternity leave and having to go back to work and sending them both off to daycare. I can’t even tell you how beautiful that was. Simply being able to focus on our new baby and being a mom to our 2 daughters was amazing.
I became everything to both Della and Lana now. (don’t worry, ryan is and always has been an enormous help and a wonderful father. i’m just referring to the fact that since i was home full-time, i was the one spending all day every day with these 2 little monkeys)
And then I went from being a blissfully happy new mama for the 2nd time to being not. I was lost.
I became overwhelmed by our days at home, all together, just us. I felt like all I ever did was nurse Lana, feed Della and wipe her butt, and clean the house. I began questioning my ability as a mother. I began questioning my worth as a wife. I began questioning me, and I hated it. I’m not good like that.
So our routine changed again. I got a part-time job, and it was a savior. I worked in a place I knew; the girls came with me but didn’t stay with me; their care was good and it was free; I liked my coworkers and they liked me. I was happy.
And that’s pretty much where we are now. I’ve been doing the part-time job gig at the gym for about 6 months, and it has worked out swimmingly. The girls love playing in the kids care room (for free!!); I enjoy doing something so easy and lighthearted as working a front desk; I love chatting with my coworkers and the gym members all throughout my time there; and although I no longer have a big employer-sponsored 401(k) and year-end bonus, there are actually a lot of perks – free gym memberships for me and the girls, discounts on classes and lessons (so della is now in her 2nd session of swim lessons and i’m thinking about enrolling her in dance next time. can you even imagine the cuteness?!), employer rewards for high-quality service (can you say free massage? thank you very much!), recognition by your peers (most contagious smile, that’s me), a non-existent stress level.
And oh yeah, I’m happy.
So I guess a lot has happened, actually. We’ve added to our family; I’ve gotten my first new job in almost a decade; Ryan got to spend a month at home with us for a mini-summer vacation; we’ve taken some awesome trips. My belief in myself as a mother is now rock-solid, my feeling of self-worth is unshakable, and I’ve even gotten in really good shape by running with these 2 beans in the jogging stroller. Can’t beat that, eh?
Sure the thoughts of when this routine will end have started creeping in, but there’s no definite answer yet. Ryan has thrown out October, since that will be Lana’s 1 year birthday, but I now want nothing more than to prolong my time home with the girls beyond any deadline. We have considered some scenarios that may do that, but like I said, nothing is for sure yet.
I’m just riding this wave and enjoying every day I have on it. I look back to those first days home with Della and how unsure I was and can’t help but laugh. Why was I so scared? This is exactly what I’ve always wanted since the day she was born. Just because I didn’t choose the circumstances surrounding how it came to be doesn’t mean it’s something bad. And now I fully realize that.
So happy 1 year of non-full-time working anniversary to me.
I am very happy.