“I just don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore…”
I’ve often heard people say things along those lines and could never really understand what they meant. What do you mean you don’t feel like you? That doesn’t make any sense. Until now.
I just don’t feel like “me” anymore.
I don’t feel like Jocelyn; I just feel like a random “her”.
I spend my days at home being a mom right now, but that’s all I do. And I don’t think I’m a particularly good one much of the time either, so that’s a kick in the ass. I’m sure Ryan would rate me pretty low on the scale of wife-dom too, since most of the time he’s home after work I’m wrangling one or both of the kids and spending the entire evening dealing with bedtimes and cleaning up messes. Do I feel like talking about anything once that’s done? No. Lovely.
When I look in the mirror I see tired, boring, plain, not necessarily unhappy, but just un-. Where did I go? I used to see really happy, pretty, fun, if I do say so myself.
Lost.
How do I get un-lost?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for all that I have – a great husband, 2 incredible daughters, a home, food on the table, a wonderful family, our health. Which actually makes me feel worse – like how dare I get down on myself when I have so much that’s good? What do I have to whine about?
I don’t know when I got lost either. Fairly recently, I guess. Maybe it’s not having a job to make me feel like I contribute? Maybe I’m no good at having a toddler and an infant at the same time? Maybe it’s my growing dislike of winter? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t gotten any real, heart-pumping exercise in months (which definitely needs to change now that i’ve gotten the all-clear after having lana)? Maybe 33 is the age where I just start to suck in general? Who knows.
I don’t feel depressed in the clinical sense, so please don’t send me a list of meds or therapists. I don’t not want to get out of bed; I don’t not get stuff done that needs to be done; I don’t not.
I just don’t feel quite like me right now. I feel an overall sense of blah, if you will. Unfortunately, it’s not becoming on me.
So maybe it’s a good thing 2012 is on its way out tonight. Besides the birth of our second daughter, the beautiful Baby Lana, this year can suck it. I lost my job, and now I seem to have lost me.
I hope I find her again in 2013.