The first time

You’re nervous, maybe a little frightened/anxious…

Will it hurt?

How long will it take?

What am I going to feel like when it’s over?

You start, then maybe stop for a second, making sure it’s not too painful. Then keep going past the worst of it until you’re done and you feel the sweet relief.

Oh wait, I’m not talking about that first time.

Sorry to get your hopes up. I’m talking about a much different first time – the first time you have to poop after giving birth. Surprise!

All right, let me back up a second. I guess I could also have titled this post “Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy – #4:  The Aftermath“.

Again, with all the babies being born and on the way right now, I thought I’d give you my take on the whole thing. It was one of the biggest question marks in my entire pregnancy, labor, and delivery experience – what in the hell is this going to feel like and how am I going to feel afterward?

As always, this is strictly based on what happened to me, certainly not the rule for how it happens for everyone, and it might be a little graphic for some. And obviously it would be totally different for anyone that has a C-section.

If you’d like to read D’s entire birth story, it’s over here. This post will probably be long enough on its own without adding all those pages too.

But to sum things up, she came out too quickly for me to even have a chance to ask for pain meds or an epidural, it hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before, it was probably the most strenuous activity of my entire life (even though the actual delivery part only lasted for 20 minutes), and fortunately I only had a tiny bit of tearing with a few stitches. Now, onto the fun part…

After giving birth, your body is pretty much like what the fuck did you just do to me? It hurts, I won’t lie.

I mean think about it. A small opening increases to over 10x its regular size, then you have to push a large object with shoulders and limbs through it using your pelvic muscles (well, and pretty much every other muscle in your entire body). So it’s no surprise that after that trauma you’re a little messed up for a while.

I was very fortunate with my experience – besides going quickly, I was in pretty good shape physically afterward and only took ibuprofen once or twice in the following days.

Funny story about that too – they give you permission to take a huge super dose of the stuff after delivery, and you can call the nurses for more powerful pain relievers if you need, too. I didn’t read all the sheets they gave me about the dosages, so only took the usual 1 or 2 pills. When I told the nurses this, since they were surprised I wasn’t asking for anything whenever they came to our room, they just laughed, saying I could have been taking like 3 times what I had. Oops. Oh well, I was just happy I didn’t need it.

But back to the point here. So in the 2 days after D was born while I was in the hospital, they had me take stool softeners. Not to make me go (the thought of which scared the bejesus out of me after what had just happened down there), but to make it a little easier when the time came.

And that time didn’t come until shortly after we had gotten home, so sometime in the afternoon of the second day after my delivery. That was fine by me – I would’ve put it off forever if I could have.

Even just peeing afterward was a struggle – the first time I went after delivery I think they had me go in one of those plastic bedpan things, just to make sure everything went ok (i honestly can’t remember if they did anything with that pan of pee, or if they just needed to make sure i could go).

Then instead of wiping they had me wash myself off with a little squirt bottle that I’d fill up with warm water. Thank god. Using toilet paper was another frightening prospect at that point.

And all the “accessories” I had to wear? Geez.

They give you gigantic pads to soak everything up, as well as ice packs to put in your underwear on top of the pads. Those things saved me – they’re big long pad-shaped packs that you crack and then enjoy the icy goodness to help reduce the swelling.

And the best part was they give you an endless supply of everything you need in your bathroom. I was like fill em up! I got multiple refills of both the pads and ice packs. For as little as you really feel like going to the bathroom after delivery, the more often you change those ice packs and nasty dirty pads the better. I think I changed things at least once every hour or two, whenever I could feel the coolness subsiding.

Ok, now this part is extremely gross, so just beware. (no, seriously, BEWARE if you read ahead!)

When we were moved up to our actual hospital room from the delivery room, the nurses said to call them right away if I passed any blood clots bigger than the size of a golf ball. I was like ew, ok. I was obviously bleeding, but nothing out of the ordinary for post-delivery.

Well, as soon as I stood up for the first time up in our room (i think i was walking over to look at d in her little bed), I felt something very big and slippery slide out between my legs.

Oh my holy god, what was that??

I told R that I was afraid something nurse-worthy was happening, and went into the bathroom to investigate. Yep, there it was – a big, maybe 3-golf-ball-sized clot, just chillin’ on my giant pad.

Ok, disgusting. I’d better call the nurse.

She came in, put on her latex gloves, and mushed the thing around between her fingers to see what was going on (sick!!). Fortunately it looked normal, there was no need for alarm, and it was the only one I passed. Gross, the fun continues.

I guess that clot was what the placenta looked like, because I didn’t see that in the delivery room (sorry, i warned you this part was nasty).

After that it was just the bleeding to deal with, which was like the heaviest period ever times about 10. Plus each time the nurses came in to check on me they pushed on my abdomen to make sure my uterus was contracting properly, which not only hurt, but caused more blood to come out.

Fortunately everything went perfectly, and it was back down better than they expected by the time we went home. (my bleeding continued for about a month, finally tapering off completely by 6 weeks after. it obviously wasn’t so heavy that whole time, but still enough to need the pads)

My first shower post-delivery was quite the experience too.

I hadn’t stood for that long of a time since giving birth, and felt pretty weak. I had showered just shortly before we went to the hospital the day I gave birth, so I didn’t shower again until I think the second day after, before we went home. Maybe it was the afternoon of the day after, I don’t really remember. But anyway, it was a chore.

It took a really long time, I was nervous washing off the busted open area for fear of catching a stitch on the washcloth so just kind of patted things down there, and I didn’t know if it was going to sting getting soap in that general vicinity. I didn’t have any stinging fortunately, but the washcloth and towel I used to dry off both went directly in the laundry when I was done.

I’m telling ya – it’s a dirty job, this labor and delivery thing.

And now for the part you’ve all been waiting for – the pooping.

I was so scared of it. I was convinced it was going to rip everything back open down there, and I just didn’t want to do it.

So once we got home and I felt the urge, I warned both R and my mom (who came up the day after D was born and stayed with us for another couple days) to ignore any screams they may hear emanating from the bathroom, but if I wasn’t out in like an hour maybe give a friendly knock on the door to make sure I hadn’t passed out from the pain.

So I took some baby wipes in (hell no was i even going to try to use t.p. are you kidding me?!), sat down, and prepared for the worst.

You should’ve seen me – I was seriously acting like I’d never pooped before and didn’t even know what to do. It took forever for me to just relax and get the show on the road because I was so fearful.

But whaddya know? It ended up being much less traumatic than I expected. Thanks to the Colace they’d had me on for the past couple days things just kind of slid out without too much pushing on my part. And the gentle touch of the baby wipes was much friendlier than toilet paper ever would have been, so the clean-up wasn’t too bad.

Whew! You have no idea how relieved I was that was over.

So, there you have it. The messy aftermath of vaginal childbirth. Fun stuff, eh?

Like I said, I was lucky not to really have much pain at all afterward, so I didn’t have to deal with taking any meds home other than the occasional ibuprofen. And by my 6 week postpartum checkup, all the stitches had healed and dissolved completely, and my doctor couldn’t even tell there had been a tear at all. Sweetness.

Now, here are my tips for l&d:

• Don’t take any cute pjs that you think you’ll want to wear for delivery. In case you missed it above, this is a very messy process, and things get bloody. Let the hospital gowns get soiled, not your own stuff.
• Do take some comfy clothes to wear after delivery, once you’ve had a chance to clean up a little. I did wear their gowns for at least the whole first day and a half, though. Pack your nursing bras and tanks if you get some. This is the perfect time to start getting used to them once you’re out of the gowns.
• Stock up on pads before delivery – I got a bunch of the ultra thin super absorbency ones. Super absorbency will definitely be the order of the day, so getting them as thin as possible was much more comfortable than the huge bulky ones they gave me in the hospital.
• They gave me both a numbing spray and cream in the hospital, in case I needed some extra help on top of the ice packs. If you use the numbing spray, spray it on the pad or ice pack in your underwear, not directly on yourself. I used it once, and couldn’t even imagine spraying anything directly on my poor lady bits after that experience.
• Take the ice packs home! I lived on those things, literally, for days after delivery.

I’m sure I missed some gory details in there somewhere, so for those of you with upcoming deliveries, feel free to ask away! This was a fun one, wasn’t it? 😉