Last night I had my first pregnancy dream since I was pregnant. Odd. I dreamt that I was in labor with really bad contractions, but when the doctor went to check to see how far dilated I was she just pulled the baby out instead. Like it was nothing. And I don’t mean like she pulled the baby out after I’d been pushing as would be standard procedure. She just all of a sudden had my baby in her arms without me doing anything. It was utterly and totally bizarre.
But it was another girl. And she had a really big nose. Not like a big, old man nose, but really long. And it was all smushed down and sideways as it very well could have been had she actually passed through the birth canal with a nose that long, but she hadn’t. She’d been magically lifted from my womb like a ghost passes through a wall – nothing to it. And she had a really long belly button area where they were trying to snip the umbilical cord off. Like it would have left her with a 2 inch long belly button. Gross. I hate outies. (no offense if any of you have an outie, mind you. i just prefer innies)
Then after this long-nosed, long-belly-buttoned little girl was born, the most disgusting part of the dream occurred – the afterbirth. I won’t go into all the gory details (unless you really want me to), because it was a bajillion times worse than what actually did happen after my own real-life labor, but let’s just say it involved a lot of bloody goopy mess falling onto the floor, some of which was frozen. Frozen?? Yep, frozen. I told you I have truly incomprehensible dreams.
No, I am definitely not pregnant.
And I woke up with really bad gas pains.