I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I just can’t help myself

** WARNING: This post contains WAY too much tmi (and yes, i know the “tm” in tmi already stands for too much, so you should get the picture). So if you have no interest in knowing anything about the marital act in our house (wink, wink, if ya know what i mean) then stay away! 🙂 **

Now that my little full disclosure statement is out of the way, let’s get onto the main event…. I’ve been going back and forth in my head all night and day about whether to post this one or not, and I finally decided to take the plunge. What the hell – I’m opening up with you about all other aspects of my life, so why not this one too? R might want to strangle me if he knew I was telling you guys about this, but I’m really not disclosing anything too personal. It’s not even embarrassing in the slightest, just something funny that occurred when we both happened to be naked. 😉 (oh come on, you all know we have sex. we have a kid, duh)

Let me start by saying that when you have an infant, getting it on usually takes a back seat to the bazillion other things you have to do to take care of said infant. At least it has in our house, anyway. (ok that might be a little embarrassing, letting you know the status of our sex life since having D, but whatevs, it happens ;)) R and I have talked about it lots of times too – it has nothing to do with not wanting to engage in the act, we’re just always busy or tired or busy and tired or tired of being busy…. We’ve even tried to make sure we designate a day each week as “the day” to make sure we, how shall I say, keep in touch like that. Yeah, that usually fails too. (some of you may be thinking really, SM, only 1 day a week? yes – see above about all the busy and tired and baby. 1 day a week. if more, awesome! but right now we shoot for 1. wow, this is getting more embarrassing by the second after all! :))

Well last night D was super cranky after daycare because she hadn’t taken an afternoon nap, so after I fed her once we got home she konked out. Success! And apparently R found my opening the dishwasher to try to get the clean dishes put away before she woke back up enticing, because he suggested a little “nap nookie”. At first I was like what, really, right now? But then I was like yeah, really, right now! Duh. Let’s move this little game to the bedroom.

Now here’s the part that made me want to write this post. I got a new box of condoms the other week that touted something about “her ecstasy”. Yes please, I’m all about that. And yes condoms, because although I’m not yet back to “normal” in that monthly-ish cycle way due to breastfeeding, it doesn’t mean I can’t still get pregnant; and we don’t want D v.2.0 just quite yet. I didn’t know what all the “her ecstasy” in that box entailed, but it was good advertising on Trojan’s part. Well when R opened the box last night we both about died laughing. He pulls out the slew of condoms and goes, “They’re huge!” And dudes, they were – they were gigantic! There was a row of enormous shiny purple wrappers just laughing in our faces. I was like what in the world did I buy?? R said, “What, are these Magnums? I must have been fooling you all these years because I’m not that big!” Omg y’all, we were seriously in hysterics. I kept saying no way, I swear they’re regular size, I didn’t see anything about XXL on the box when I bought them! So I grabbed one of the packages and felt the contents, and it seemed to be the normal size, so we couldn’t figure out why they looked so much bigger than the other kind we’d always gotten. Well screw it, let’s get one of these open and give it a whirl, see what the deal is. Sure enough, it was the regular size and worked like a charm, so I still have no idea what was going on with the wrappers. Besides causing some sexy time hilarity, there really was no reason for the humongous pouches. Inflation I guess – add more packaging to give us less bang for our buck? (ha, get it, bang? i’m so funny)

And the “her ecstasy” part must be the super lube factor on these. Which I am also all about right now. For since I’m still breastfeeding D, that is one of the pleasant side effects I get to experience. A little *lack of moisture* in the lady area, if you will (gross, that just sounds gross, but “dryness” makes me think of a desert). Oh, they didn’t tell you that? Yeah, it’s fantastic. Sorry – I warned you – tmi. I’ve never had to deal with that one before, but now I know why there’s a whole aisle full of lube at the drugstore. So if these condoms take care of that part for you, sweet! Another side effect I had read about while pregnant but wasn’t sure how accurate it would be is the decrease in sex drive you might experience while breastfeeding. Hmm, maybe that’s true too and may account for some of the reason why our mojo has waned a little. I’ll have to work on that one. 😉 You gotta love all these hormones and stuff the female body goes through to make a little person!

So there you have it – a glimpse into the bedroom of SM. Fascinating, ain’t it? 😉 Hopefully you weren’t too shocked and awed and will continue to come back and read. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t make these kinds of posts a habit. Unless you’re just dying for more, that is…. 😉

p.s. This episode just goes to show the difference between sex after 5 years of marriage and a baby and sex while dating. Can you imagine pulling out ginormous condoms while trying to be all coy and sexy in the courtship phase of your relationship? Instant mortification! But now? We just flop on the bed and laugh at ourselves. 🙂