To kid, or not to kid?

That is a question I guess most everyone must answer at some point in his or her life – do I want to have kids, or do I not want to have kids? And if I do, in what way will I begin that process?

It is a very personal and sometimes very private decision. And I know for many it is not always that simple; some who so very badly want children are unable to have their own. It can become a very heart-breaking struggle, and in no way, shape, or form do I want to give the impression that I am making light of anyone who has had to endure such hurdles in building a family. I just want to share a little of my own tale…

Never was I the type of person who thought, oh I can’t wait to be a mom! Not that I definitely didn’t want to – I always assumed that someday I’d probably have kids – but more that it just wasn’t something I really thought about that much. I was always more of the vein, “Oh your kids are really cute, but you can keep them over there with you.” 😉

Even once R and I were married, baby fever never set in like it does for a lot of people. We didn’t really discuss kids either – when we wanted to start having them, if we wanted to start having them, how many, etc. I think we both just figured we’d have them eventually. I knew R wanted kids for sure, but I still wasn’t 100% convinced that being a parent was right for me.

Fortunately we never got the “So when are you going to have a baby?” prodding from either of our families, so I never felt any pressure to hop on that train.

I loved our life as a couple – we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, we could go wherever we pleased, and we could do it all with very little advance notice or planning. We had a ridiculous amount of fun, and it was just the two of us. That was my biggest qualm about having kids – I didn’t want to share R. Oh yeah, I’m selfish, too. 🙂

Then I turned 30.

Ugh.

The big 3-0.

Some people are like I’m 30, woo hoo, let’s par-tay!! I was like I’m 30, barf, I’m old, it’s the worst thing ever. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if the world ended on my 30th birthday, that’s how much I was dreading the day.

But it was also a biological turning point. I thought well, I’m 30, if we’re going to try to have kids, we’d better get started because I’m certainly not getting any younger.

I really believe it was not having a 2 to start my age that was the baby catalyst for me. Kind of like oo, 30, that’s very adult-sounding, you’d better have some kids soon if that’s what you want to do. Hmm, typing it out like this makes me sound more like a weirdo than anything, but that’s pretty much what my thought process was.

I was very lucky, too, that R was so chill about the whole thing. Like I said, he’d already revealed that he wanted to have kids, but he never pressured me either. So when I finally decided I was ready and asked him what he thought, I will never forget the sweetest words of his reply: “I’ve just been waiting for you.” ::melt my heart::

And when I told him that the biggest roadblock for me was not wanting to share him and missing having “just us”, he said, “It’ll just be a bigger us.” Well ok, now that you put it that way, it doesn’t sound quite so scary.

And so it began.

Now, I’m the type of person who likes to know exactly what’s going on instead of just leaving things to chance and seeing what happens. So I started tracking everything I could to figure out what my body was doing and how things were shaping up to make this happen. I had gone off the pill about 9 months before we really started “trying” to try to get my body back on its natural track. I was on it for roughly 10 years prior, so I was afraid I’d messed something up on the inside in that length of time.

Fortunately that wasn’t the case, and even though my natural cycles ended up being pretty long, I got pregnant on our second real attempt. D was starting to bake.

Fast forward just under 39 weeks, and we had a baby girl. Yikes!! Now what?

Utter and complete infatuation and love like I’ve never known, that’s what. As soon as we were out of the delivery room and trying to comprehend that we were now a family of 3, that’s when my baby fever set in.

I was in heaven.

It was the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced – in seemingly an instant I was a mom and it felt oh so right. Never in a million years would I have thought I would enjoy this, let alone love it. But I do. D is the most amazing thing we’ve ever done, and R was right – it is just a bigger “us” now.

Now here’s what’s been on my mind a lot lately. How do you know if/when you’re ready for more?

You’ll think I’m nuts, but as soon as D was born I immediately wanted another baby. I just really thrived being a new mommy and knowing that every single thing she needed came from us. That automatically became my #1 job – take care of and protect her.

And these past 7 1/2 months have been awesome. She is a beautiful, hilarious little person, and spending time with her just makes my day that much better. And I know we definitely want more kids, but I’m kind of back to my original question – how can I possibly share D with another child?

Will it be unfair to take time away from her to care for another baby, even though it will obviously be necessary? I certainly won’t ignore her when another one comes, but will she see it that way? Will she feel like Mommy loves the new baby more since that’s the one that will need so much attention at first? How long should we wait before trying for another, and how do we know what age span between the two (or more) we will be able to handle? And how can I possibly love someone else as much as I love this little girl?

I guess I just have to keep remembering that with each child I won’t be losing space in my heart or life for everyone else, I’m just expanding it exponentially for the newcomers. So, god-willing, hopefully we can add a few more to our brood and Mommy will be ok. Well, maybe not a “few” more, but hopefully at least one. 🙂

Stay tuned for D v2.0…

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.  ~Dorothy C. Fisher