“I just don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore…”
I’ve often heard people say things along those lines and could never really understand what they meant. What do you mean you don’t feel like you? That doesn’t make any sense. Until now.
I just don’t feel like “me” anymore.
I don’t feel like Jocelyn; I just feel like a random “her”.
I spend my days at home being a mom right now, but that’s all I do. And I don’t think I’m a particularly good one much of the time either, so that’s a kick in the ass. I’m sure Ryan would rate me pretty low on the scale of wife-dom too, since most of the time he’s home after work I’m wrangling one or both of the kids and spending the entire evening dealing with bedtimes and cleaning up messes. Do I feel like talking about anything once that’s done? No. Lovely.
When I look in the mirror I see tired, boring, plain, not necessarily unhappy, but just un-. Where did I go? I used to see really happy, pretty, fun, if I do say so myself.
Lost.
How do I get un-lost?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for all that I have – a great husband, 2 incredible daughters, a home, food on the table, a wonderful family, our health. Which actually makes me feel worse – like how dare I get down on myself when I have so much that’s good? What do I have to whine about?
I don’t know when I got lost either. Fairly recently, I guess. Maybe it’s not having a job to make me feel like I contribute? Maybe I’m no good at having a toddler and an infant at the same time? Maybe it’s my growing dislike of winter? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t gotten any real, heart-pumping exercise in months (which definitely needs to change now that i’ve gotten the all-clear after having lana)? Maybe 33 is the age where I just start to suck in general? Who knows.
I don’t feel depressed in the clinical sense, so please don’t send me a list of meds or therapists. I don’t not want to get out of bed; I don’t not get stuff done that needs to be done; I don’t not.
I just don’t feel quite like me right now. I feel an overall sense of blah, if you will. Unfortunately, it’s not becoming on me.
So maybe it’s a good thing 2012 is on its way out tonight. Besides the birth of our second daughter, the beautiful Baby Lana, this year can suck it. I lost my job, and now I seem to have lost me.
I hope I find her again in 2013.
Hang in there, Jocelyn. A new baby is always tough. Slowly, slowly “you” will emerge again. Sleep always seems to help. So does cookie dough.
Christie recently posted..A New Yearβs Renewal of Vows
Thank you, Christie! I think one of the hardest things was actually writing this down for others to read, because once I hit “publish” I just felt better. And as if she knew I was struggling, Lana has slept all the way through these past 2 nights. But I could definitely go for some cookie dough, too. HA!
Oh friend, I’m so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you or something to help. I went through a small slice of what you’re feeling when E. was born. I too unexpectedly lost my full-time job (I still had it part-time though and eventually it became almost-full-time again, so that helped) but it sent me reeling. I felt stuck at home all the time b/c not only was I trying to figure out motherhood, with a baby who refused to nap from day 1, but I had no money to ever go do anything, like Gymboree playdates or baby music/yoga/swim classes. Hell, I can remember my biggest excitement of the week was the one day a week I let myself use change to go buy Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts.
Anyway, all I’m saying is this too shall pass. I can’t imagine going through a full winter too, especially with two little ones. Maybe in a couple months you can start to find something part-time/freelance. Those 10 hours a week that I was able to cling onto for dear life in the beginning were my saving grace. In the meantime, blog it out. It helps.
And if all else fails, in the famous words of a wise blue fish — Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
And don’t ever doubt three things — a) you’re an amazing mom. The fact that you worry about whether you’re doing a good job makes you better than 99.9 percent of other moms out there. b) Your life’s value is not tied to your career, as much as we may feel it is. The same skills that made you an excellent employee are still there. c) Your husband understands. This is better of the “for better or worse” — he’s legally required to understand. π
hang in there.
Jackie @ MomJovi recently posted..What I’ll Always Remember About This Christmas
Oh, Jackie, thank you! Your words literally brought me to tears, but the good kind. It is so incredibly helpful knowing that I’m not crazy for feeling this way and that there isn’t something terribly wrong with me. Simply getting it off my chest helped a ton, and I thank you dearly for reading.
Yeah, I was dreading having a winter with a newborn, and I think that may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy. The weather isn’t even that bad (yet!), but I just hate not being able to get outside like we could all summer. Fortunately I have my first appointment back with my trainer at the gym tonight, which I think will work wonders for me. Just that hour where I don’t have to think about anything child-related and get some blood flowing is apparently more important than I realized.
Again, THANK YOU!!
I’m new here. I’m pretty sure found you through Alexia over at Babies and Bacon a few months ago. My kids are the same ages as Alexia’s.
Anyway, I want to give you a big hug! Let me tell you, you are *so* not alone! I wrote a post this spring when my second was about two months old that had a very similar tone. It’s just so hard. I think the second is a harder adjustment than the first. It will get smoother. It’s only now that Wyatt’s 9 months old that I’m starting to feel at all like “me” again. A new version of me, but definitely me π
Erika Z recently posted..#aHeartFitFriday Launch (Linky)
Erika, hi! And thank you!! You guys are making me feel infinitely better with your incredibly kind words. Simply knowing that there are others out there who know exactly what I’m talking about makes me feel so much better. Like, hey, maybe I’m not losing my mind after all. π And I agree – #2 has been a much bigger adjustment than #1. I look back on when Della was born and think, why in the hell did I think that was hard? That was nothing compared to this time around!! I think it’s just been a much bigger adjustment than I expected or even realized at first. It kind of all hit me like a ton of bricks these last couple weeks.
Thank you, thank you so much for reading and letting me know you understand!
Ok…I’ve been there too! I think all of us Moms have. Especially those of us who worked full time, then found ourselves without a job and two babies at home…alone…with no one to talk to and no adult convo at the coffee pot. Right?!?! It sucks, and I’m sorry you are going through it. I was in P-town with hardly a friend at all…we had moved there right before winter. Winter is so isolating. The best advice I have is to seek out friendships. It seems odd, having to start over as an adult looking for friends, but that is what is going to get you through it. I joined a Meet Up group of moms of toddlers. It met once a week – I made some good friendships though it. Also, my saving grace was going to the gym! The gym had childcare, I got to drop off the kids and have about an hour of alone time doing something for ME. Even if it was just walking on the treadmill and watching TV, or honestly, some days I just went and bought a smoothie and read a magazine. No Joke. But I met other moms that were doing the same thing as me…and it helped…a lot. Eventually I got a part time job at the gym, got my membership for free, and got to put my kids in childcare for free. It was a win-win!
As far as feeling lost…I still feel that way some days. It is truly hard to lose that professional identity. And it is still hard for me, 7 years later, when people assume I have no identity outside of my kids and husband simply because I don’t work outside the home. You have to remind yourself that you are amazing, and you are somebody, and just because you stay home with your children doesn’t make you any less of a person. It will get better! You will find yourself again. π Hugs!! ~S
Suzanne @ The Wine{a}be recently posted..Happy New Year!
THANK YOU!!! Oh my god, thank you! Reading your reply, it was like you were inside my head. A baby in winter when I can’t get outside – check. Trying to keep up adult relationships when spending all my time with tiny humans – check. Missing exercise and contemplating part-time work at the gym – check! Did you read my mind? π I have honestly thought countless times about working part-time at the gym I use to see my trainer. I no longer have a membership, because seriously, when do I have time to go? But thankfully I can still see her there once a week without it. Maybe I should look into doing something there. This one has childcare too, so the girls could go in when I worked and worked out. Then they’d get some kid interaction, which is another big thing that’s been weighing on me – the fact that Della no longer plays with her peers all day, and still talks about some of the little kids from her daycare class. What a great idea! Thank you for reminding me of it!! π
And thank you so much for reading and your kind words. They truly mean the world to me and help so much.
Yes.
I know all of this.
I wish I had more to say other than you’re not alone & I understand & you’re going to be okay & I still think you are marvelous.
Beth Anne!! Holy shit, I just fainted! I can’t believe you read my little post. I’ve admired your blog from afar for YEARS, and the fact that you looked over here and took the time to comment… THANK YOU!!
Your words are more than enough. Knowing that I’m not the first and only one to feel like this and that I’m not as alone as I feel is helping immensely. Again, thank you so very, very much.
I am so sorry you are struggling! I also fought through many of these same feelings after having my first. She was a November baby, we didn’t have family in town or many friends with kids, I had lost my job 3 months before she was born, blah blah blah. It is a TOUGH adjustment. Know you are not alone… and that you are much stronger than you realize. Please drop me a line if you ever want to talk/vent/whatever!!! I’ve been there, survived, thrived, fought through it again & survived again! π Change is tough, but you will find a better version of you very soon. *HUGS*
Kelli @ Momma Needs a Beer recently posted..VlogMom: Let’s Rock in 2013
Thank you so much, Kelli! I am so glad others know what I’ve been going through and feeling. I seriously thought I was crazy or just stupid for feeling this way, but once I got it all out and have seen such an outpouring of support, it’s helping so very, very much. I think maybe I will make it after all. π
After reading all the other comments I don’t think there is much more to say that someone else hasn’t already been said.
For me, going from 1 to 2 was so much harder than having the first. I felt trapped, alone, and struggling to figure out who I was. One of the best things I did was get out of the house once a day. It might have only been to the store, but it helped me to feel connected to something else besides diapers, tantrums, and feelings. I also tried my hardest to work out. Many days the gym day care ladies had to find me b/c one of mine was screaming, but hey, 10 minutes of cardio was better than nothing, right?
I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. I’ve been at home for 2.5 years and although my hubby may think differently, I don’t always like it. I miss my former self. There are lots of days where we have nothing planned in a city that doesn’t quite feel like home yet, in a city where I only have aquaintances, and that can send me into a temporary tailspin. It’s tough. No doubt about it. But as everyone else has said, you are not alone. And it’s bound to get better!
Thank you, Susie!! I think that’s the biggest thing – I’ve just felt so isolated. Ryan said, too, that I just need to get out of the house more, and I agree, but it’s so damn hard getting both of the girls ready to go that usually by the time I get everyone together it’s like why even bother now. Plus we only have 1 car with the car seats in it, which he takes to work, so that significantly narrows my options for travel. I can only walk them to CVS or the little grocery store so many times. π I have been trying to get out whenever the weather permits though, and you’re right – I always feel better on those days. Fortunately we have a great group of ladies and kids on our block, so there are a good amount of playdates, and those help too. I’m also going to apply for part-time work at the gym. Even if they don’t have openings, my trainer said there are volunteer opportunities available – I could still get a free membership that way, since I can’t justify paying for one again right now, and the girls could go in the kids’ care room while I’m there. That would be awesome. We’ll see if it pans out, but at least it’s a start. I’m sure I’m still in here somewhere, I just need to get started finding me again. π
My apologies for my typos/grammatical errors! Can you tell I’m a frazzled mother of two toddlers typing on my iPhone?!?
Hahaha – I barely even noticed! I’m right there with you, except one of mine’s an infant. π
So I’m a bit behind on your blog, but still keeping up with you here and there on FB. I also don’t have much to add after all of the other ladies comments. And someone may have also mentioned this, but remember, your kids are also at HARD ages right now. It does get easier. Not better, just easier. Now that my youngest is past 2, life is just easier. So hang in there. And someone was right…it’s winter. Everyone gets a little blue in winter! Spring is right around the corner…
Tricia @ Take 10 recently posted..New at Target…Skeggings?!?!
Thank you, Tricia! Thank you!! And you’re totally right – it being winter is a big kick in the ass with a newborn/infant. I don’t like being outside in cold weather, so I’m certainly not motivated to take 2 little kids out in it either.
Ok, clarifying. When I put “not better” I meant every stage is special. But some of the work gets easier.
I get you. π
This is just a hard place! It absolutely gets easier, I promise. It’s just hard to feel like yourself when you’re in transition like this- your body is still getting back to normal, you’re juggling two very young kids now, I’m sure you’re exhausted, you’re still adjusting to being home instead of going to work every day (it takes a long time to switch that off)… It’s just hard. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want what you have. Don’t feel bad. You’re allowed to feel like this!
Eventually the girls will be a little bit older and will play together and all they’ll want you for is mediation during fights. lol It’s just this season of your life that is demanding a lot. But it will turn soon.
You’ll find a way to get back to yourself. You’ll start getting out more. Now that you’ve added another member of the family, it’s even easier to run out of room to care for yourself when you’re putting so much into caring for everyone else. You and your needs are important too! Don’t *always* put everyone else first. Whether it’s getting in a workout or going to the movies alone (my favorite thing to do when I get time… 2 blissful hours of not having to take care of ANYONE!), find something that you can do that is just for you.
Good luck! And big hugs coming your way from Texas!
Claire recently posted..Fashion Friday: I (sort of) Fit into My Pants Again Edition
Thank you, Claire! Thank you so very much. You have no idea how comforting it is to hear those words and know that I’m not “stuck” like this forever. And the cross-country hugs – so much appreciated!