10 years ago today

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the tragedies that occurred on September 11, 2001, and I thought I’d share with you my journal entry from that time (which, as it happens, was my very first journal entry ever). I had just moved out to Jersey City, NJ, in July of that year to start working in Manhattan, so you can imagine what was going through my head after that day – I was 1,000 miles away from my friends and family, I was living alone in a huge new city, and then terror struck. To say I wanted to go home was an understatement. Fortunately I did, for a bit. The week after 9/11 I was able to drive back, since our office building in lower Manhattan was uninhabitable at that point – I made a brief pit stop at home in Peoria, then headed to Madison to spend 3 weeks with R. 3 glorious weeks. I was in heaven. But anyway, here was my take on that fateful day…

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Written on October 25, 2001, at 12:30am (my current added notations are in italics)

 

OK, I’m finally starting to write this stuff down, b/c right now I feel like it’s the only way I can get everything out.

 

I’d send R another letter, but it would probably be too depressing for him to read. After all, he spent the better part of an hour trying to cheer me up tonight, and it didn’t work. How would he like getting a letter like this knowing that I just feel worse? I don’t want to burden him – he said hearing that I’m sad makes him sad, but I can’t really see him being sad. He’s back in Madison w/everyone and can go out to the bars or over to their houses whenever he wants. What/who do I have out here? He even admitted that I got the short end of the deal on that one. But how can I be mad/jealous about that? I’m the one that chose to move out here and get rich. Yeah, so I thought. All I’ve gotten so far is heartache. Just my luck that I fall in love w/a guy who’s perfect for me when I’m 1000 miles away and probably will be for at least another year. Will he wait for me? Would he ever consider moving out here and working for maybe a year until I can come back to Chicago? I wish I knew how he felt about me before I left… but maybe not, b/c then leaving the 1st time would’ve been even harder. Thinking we were done might have been the best for me – I…realized what I was missing as soon as I saw R again on his birthday. He couldn’t stop telling me how glad he was that I was back, and I couldn’t stop thanking him. Then the next night he introduced me to C and F and all those guys as his girlfriend, and I couldn’t believe it. I wish I had known. I love him.

 

Then I decided to go back 2 weeks later for the 1st home football game, and it was between those 2 visits that he emailed me that he was falling in love w/me. What?! Guys just don’t say things like that to me. He was drunk, but he meant it. We were officially a “couple”, and I was loving every minute of it.

 

My dad flew him out the next weekend (Labor Day weekend, a week before 9/11), and that’s when it really hit me – I’m in love w/this guy. We had time together all by ourselves, we conquered NYC on foot, we stayed out until dawn, and I couldn’t have been happier. It was very hard to see him go that time – he told me he loved me when we were hugging in the airport. It was the most natural, right response for me to say I loved him too. I’ve never told a guy that before, and I’ve only ever thought it about one other. This is right – why do we have to be so far apart? On my way out of the airport I didn’t know whether to smile b/c I was so happy or cry b/c I didn’t want him to leave. I tried to call A, but she wasn’t there.

 

Then it hits – September 11, 2001. This is what my mom told me I should have been chronicling since it happened, but I guess a month and a half later is better than never. I had just gotten the job I wanted – convertibles confirmed that I was their top pick; rotations were over; and we had just started our training for the Series 7. It was our 2nd day of class when the city fell apart. I had just gotten out of the subway under the World Trade Center when the 1st plane hit. A guy walking toward me asked if I saw that – the WTC just exploded. I turned around, saw paper and smoke flying everywhere, and thought something had blown out of the subway vents. Then I walked a little farther to see around a building and saw the flames coming out of the top of the tower. I had to get to class and tell everyone what was going on (the building in which we were having our class was about 5 blocks directly south of the WTC). Someone said something about a plane while I was walking to class, but I didn’t realize what they were talking about until I got inside and saw the news on the TV. I was about to call my dad and tell him about it, but decided to wait. Good one. I got 1 sentence written down in class before the 2nd plane hit and we were evacuated. I lost L when we got outside, but hooked up w/C and A. Everyone was out in the streets staring at the towers. What in the hell was happening? Now police were trying to get us out of the area, ladies were crying and screaming, and everyone was confused. I had voicemails from P and Dad – why didn’t I return the calls when I still had signal? From then on, no one’s phone worked, so I was cut off from everyone throughout this whole ordeal. I was intrigued by the terrible sight and was content staying down there to watch, but our trio was off to make our way up to C’s apartment on 8th St. by NYU. We headed east and down Wall St., b/c all of the northbound streets in the area and the subways were being closed. Debris was falling, all the traders were out in the street, and they were all smoking. I saw two traders heading up Wall St. to find out what was going on. One was on crutches, but he stopped messing w/them so he could get up there faster.

 

My phone still didn’t work at all, and we had gotten far enough east that we could start moving north. I kept turning around to look at the towers, and the flames kept getting more and more intense, along w/the billowing clouds of black smoke pouring out the tops of them. We got stuck in the courtyard of some apartment complex, and I thought I had a signal – no dice. When we finally got back to the streets we were up by City Hall. R and I had just walked around that whole area the weekend before, so at least I knew where I was. Now the masses of people were growing larger, and the cops were trying their best to keep everyone under control. Right in that circle area by that famous no-name government building I heard a thunderous rumble and thought oh great, another plane? Not quite – I turned around and watched the 1st tower tumbling to the ground. The speed w/which the ensuing cloud of dust, smoke, and debris rushed at us was unbelievable. I knew we had to run to get out of there or else we were going to be smothered or trampled, neither of which were very appealing choices. That was honestly the 1st time I thought I was in danger. I lost both of the guys in the scramble, but eventually met back up w/C (A ended up being ok). The cloud kept coming, so we kept running. I wanted to go in the church over there to get away from it b/c I figured it would be open, but we just kept going. Police were telling everyone to stay calm, but that wasn’t working. I couldn’t believe they were just standing there – weren’t they going to get covered by the dust?

 

C and I finally made it to his apartment, and I was so hot and sweaty. It was an absolutely gorgeous, cloudless day – how ironic. The phones still didn’t work, and the only contact we had w/anyone was if they called into C’s landline. One of his friends called, and I gave her my dad’s number so he could call and know where I was. It was now mid-late morning, and the world was upsidedown. I had no idea how far this was reaching until I was able to talk  to everyone. I had so many voicemails that I couldn’t even get to hear, so many text messages that said “Please Call”, and so many emails on my phone, but I couldn’t do anything about them. I felt completely helpless, b/c I was now beginning to realize the severity of what was unfolding around me and how worried everyone must have been when they couldn’t get ahold of me. That was what killed me the most – finding out how upset everyone had been, and for so long, before they got word that I was safe. You don’t know how bad it feels to hear people say, “I thought you were dead.”

 

When I heard C say “Scooter?” I knew my dad had finally gotten through. I was so relieved – contact w/the outside world. I assured him I was fine and told him to call everyone to let them know I was ok – Mom, M (my sister), R, A, P, everyone I could think of. Then he let me talk to A (my youngest sister), who sounded really upset; she could barely say hi. Why was she there and not in school? It wasn’t until later that I learned they found her alone in a classroom crying that morning after she heard the Trade Center collapsed. I’m sorry, Flan. She puts on a tough front for others – so do I. I also learned later that A, E, and R had all been crying in Madison. R cried for me – I’m so sorry.

 

After my dad, M (sister) was the 1st person I talked to – she also called in, b/c I told Dad to give everyone C’s number. I completely lost it and broke down crying during that conversation. She said that once she saw the news on TV after Dad called early that morning, she put all her pictures of me and her Bible in her bag, left DG, and just started walking away b/c she was so scared and upset. She said if I was dead she was dead too, b/c this just confirmed how much I didn’t want to go to NY anymore and wanted to stay in Chicago. Her emotions are rarely wrong. Hearing those words made me see exactly how close I actually had been to being killed. Throughout the entire morning I had been more interested in watching what was happening rather than comprehending what was happening. I was early to class that day. Had I been about 10-15 minutes later, as I was the day before, I could easily have been trapped down there. That revelation was so emotionally powerful – I couldn’t stop sobbing on the phone. It was exactly what I needed. Now I knew how everyone who was worrying about me felt. Thank God they knew I was safe – too bad my damn phone still didn’t work.

 

One of C’s friends came over and we went out for burgers and beers, since we were all starving. When we got back we cracked open a few bottles of wine. The perfect day to get drunk – the entire city and thousands of lives have been thrown into complete turmoil, and the future is beyond uncertain. We watched as everything in Manhattan shut down, including the Path trains back to Jersey – oh great. By late afternoon I could finally use my phone and answer the numerous messages I had. The words I remember hearing the most were when R said how good it was to hear my voice and how calm I sounded. I love him so much. That was all I wanted to do that whole morning was to tell him I love him and I was ok, but I couldn’t. I was so happy to hear his voice too.

 

Trying to get home that evening was horrendous. I didn’t want to be out after dark, so I needed to get my butt in gear. The city was so strange. There was absolutely no traffic, yet people were walking down the sidewalk and playing in the park like nothing had happened. The lack of cars, especially taxis, was eerie. This place is never quiet, let alone silent. I finally made it to a running Path station, after going to 2 closed ones, hailing one of the few available cabs, hearing that the ferry wait was 8 hours, and rushing through Penn Station to try to catch one of the few trains back to Jersey. One good thing was that our Path ride was free, since they were just trying to get as many people home as possible. Fine w/me – my feet were covered w/blisters (as usual), and I just wanted to get out of there. A reporter from the Journal Star (Peoria’s local newspaper) called when I got home to get my first-hand account of the day’s events. Little did I know that this tragedy would make me a hometown celebrity.

 

I was up late that night letting everyone know that I made it home safely and watching the news. By the time I went to bed in the early morning hours I was completely paranoid. After seeing all of the news reports I was scared the terrorists were going to somehow get in my apartment. What? Sure, that’s likely. I think I was just completely exhausted – physically, emotionally, and mentally. The rest of that week was strange. No one knew what was going on w/our classes, tests, or jobs; we watched more buildings fall; the country was shutting down; people were scared of biological warfare; and songs on the radio could make me cry. When I heard the songs w/clips from that morning, my eyes would instantly fill w/tears. That’s when I heard “Hero” for the 1st time and fell in love w/the lyrics. Those are my words for R.

 

I went and donated 6 dozen socks for the ground zero workers that week. It was the least I could do; I hope they helped. I have never seen so much patriotism in my life. Everyone was immediately united as Americans, and I was so proud. The relief efforts were amazing, and they continue today. I have a feeling this is going to be a long cleanup and recovery process, especially since we are now at war. Bin Laden needs to pay for what he did to this nation.

 

As soon as I got the word that we would not be called into work for at least a week, I was out of here. I couldn’t wait to get home that Sunday night (Sept. 16) and head up to Madison Monday morning. I could feel the relief in my parents’ hugs and hear their love when they said how happy they were to be able to hug me. I felt the same thing when I met R at the Nitty Gritty for lunch that 1st day back in Madison and was able to hug him again. I couldn’t believe he brought me flowers. He is an amazing guy, and I am so lucky to have been able to spend those 3 weeks w/him. Being back in Madison w/everyone was exactly what I needed. I got to spend a lot of time w/M (sister again), which I always love. Everyone tried to work their schedules around whatever I wanted to do, which they didn’t have to do, but which I appreciated deeply. The days I spent up there were so much fun, and they are preserved forever in some wonderful pictures. R and I took some great road trips – I’m so glad I had my car.

 

When I got the message that I had to be back in NY for class a week earlier than I thought I was going to I was crushed. There was so much more I wanted to do w/R, let alone everyone else. That last night I spent in Madison was amazing. R and I went to the Brewers game and then came back to meet A and E at the Church Key. It’s funny – I told A not to cry when they left, but R was telling me the same thing later back at his house. I will always remember how comforting he was.

 

My drive back out here was horrible. I missed R terribly, and knew I was going back to an empty apartment and a job in a city that I no longer wanted to be in. All I could think of was how far away from R I was getting. I cried a lot. Little did I know that I would be back in Madison w/in a week. Like he said earlier tonight when we were talking about how long it would be before we see each other again, we have definitely been spoiled. But like I said, we need to take advantage of all of these opportunities while we can. That’s why my hope of hopes is that he can get Yankees tickets so he can come out here next week. I understand, though – it probably won’t happen.

 

So that’s my story. I’m back in Jersey City, and have seen where I’ll be working when I finally do start, probably in a week or two. The theme out here is definitely God Bless America. As I noticed on my cross-country drives, even though it is a nation-wide sentiment, it is definitely strongest out here. There is even a huge American flag on the west side of one of the World Financial Center buildings. Like Michael Douglas said on Jay Leno, things out here are slower and people are kinder.

 

It’s hard getting back into the swing of things. I miss R the most, and I don’t even want to go anywhere or do anything without him. I’m sure he’s right that things will get better once I start working and going out w/the guys from the office, but it’s just not the same. I keep thinking of what I’m missing back in Madison, like Homecoming and all of the Halloween festivities this weekend. At least our tests will be over Saturday, and hopefully someone will want to go out. I’m sick of not doing anything, but I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I will feel better once work starts up again. We’ll see. At least I’ll have something to do besides playing security guard. I just hope someone can come out to visit soon.

 

This did help. Writing is great therapy, and now I have a log of what I went through on one of the most horrific days in our country’s recent history. My words flow much more easily from my pen than from my lips. After recounting all of these events, I realize I am blessed to be sitting here writing this. My problems are small compared to the world’s, so I should take R’s advice and cheer up. It’s hard right now, but I’ll try – just for him.

 

-J

 

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Little did I know that 10 years later I would finally be sharing that log.